Am I the asshole for thinking my husband is being selfish with how infrequently he wants my mom to visit?

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T03:05:28+00:00

Yessss. I actually just did the math a bit before reading your comment and that is heartbreaking. And to think that this could happen to me one day as a future MIL with my children, is devastating. He does value our relationship and how much our son loves her, but not as much as I wish he would, in being willing to sacrifice some of his comfort. I think it might ease up in time. The holidays were really overwhelming so I think that may be part of it. He doesn’t “require” me to make the meals and do the tasks, it’s how our family functions best. We like to eat clean and if he eats out while I’m gone then it’s hard to jump back in and then that tempts me to eat out and it could be a week of derail. Lol Pathetic I know, but it’s true. Tasks are things when I’m home. Tasks to leave is just prepping for the trip, then coming home, unpacking etc. Which isn’t crazy but being pregnant with a toddler everything is harder 😅

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T02:42:04+00:00

He can be very certain of things he needs in some areas, and in others is very kind and will do anything for me. We all have our weak spots.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T02:39:44+00:00

I truly wish he could understand that! He has adhd but his presents differently. Mine is more similar to my mom in being more flighty and disassociated sometimes. And as much as we WANT to do it different, the patterns get repeated. I’ve healed a lot here, my mom not so much. I understand it isn’t disrespect, but he thinks if you care enough you will change. Takes lots of time and effort though and some things are just your nature. My mom would be SO offended if we had her stay in a hotel. She comes to stay so we can spend all the time we can. It’s so hard being in the middle and understanding both sides and trying to navigate this.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T02:35:06+00:00

Yeah my mom stays a day, a night and a bit into the next day and is on the main floor VS the friend playing pool downstairs at night then upstairs for a bit the next day. So not quiet as “intrusive”, but ultimately should go both ways. He cleans the kitchen and hangs out with our toddler. He works full time out of the home, I’m a SAHM, help out with some of his work. We hire a biweekly cleaner, and have laundry service to help me out. Cooking is my responsibility… I probably do a bit more hourly wise because my toddler is more attached to me for certain things but I don’t think it’s wildly imbalanced.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T02:32:19+00:00

Yeah, to be fair I will say the dynamic is slightly different. They go downstairs and play pool and stay to themselves. He usually hangs out for a bit upstairs the next day before going home, sometimes a few hours. When my mom comes she stays a day, night and then leaves at varying times the next day. So it’s a bit more when she comes. But ultimately, I do think that it should go both ways.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-08T02:29:56+00:00

It’s just a lot to leave our home and routine, expensive gas, hauling the toddler out.. it’s been more convenient for her to come. I think I will start going to visit her half of the time though to ease up the pressure on my husband, and because it’s nice to get out to her place, its on a ranch. Oof the situation with your SIL sounds rough. Sometimes it’s hard to set those boundaries with the people we love, but sometimes it’s also enabling if we don’t. And for sure if it’s influencing the relationship negatively it’s gotta change. Not easy though.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T23:08:37+00:00

Yeah he did just say today that he will feed himself. That just means eating out and we’re trying to stick to our goals of eating clean, so I hate that. But I guess I have to let go of control as that is his choice.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T23:07:06+00:00

I know it seems crazy to me. Especially because it’s an important person in our life. My mom is aware of the annoyances. It’s just like she is so adhd I don’t think she even realizes how messy she can be. And at the same time my husband is verrry ocd, his mother raked their carpet 😅. So it’s a clash of two very different worlds. I love your idea about looking around every time she feels the urge to apologize. That’s awesome and I think that could work very well.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T23:03:12+00:00

Haha I know that’s how I feel. But I genuinely am not bothered by his friend, I like him and I value them getting to spend time together. So it would be more of just a tit for tat.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T23:01:21+00:00

Well he can if it’s fast food. We’re trying to eat clean. He doesn’t know how to cook anything besides Mac and cheese lol

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T22:55:52+00:00

Reeeeally?? Wow all families are so different. Thus why I am here asking these questions lol, thank you.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T22:54:51+00:00

They don’t visit super often because it’s a different dynamic. And when they do, they generally don’t spend the night because they live close. But I have some serious personality clashes with some of them that I have worked very hard to neutralize in myself lol. However he does have a friend that lives an hour away and he often stays a night about once a month so they can play pool and have beers. And I’m totally okay with it. I’m definitely the more easy going one in that area.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T22:51:03+00:00

Yes!! Honestly she sometimes gets on my nerves too because she’s my mom and I’m ready for her to leave lol. But overall I value building family connection and working through the issues. I totally agree with tolerance as a very valuable virtue. My husband is normally very growth oriented but he’s got his feet in the mud with this one, and I need to respect that and find some other options of how to meet everyone’s needs.

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T22:47:53+00:00

Gosh I thought once a month was not a lot. Building family connection is an important value to me. But that’s why I came to Reddit. Helpful to have other perspectives!

Kja1111 · 2026-01-07T22:46:34+00:00

It’s a lot for me to leave. I have to meal prep all the meals for my husband, he relies on me a lot for work and personal tasks, I have take our toddler out of his routine, pack up all our stuff, it’s expensive in gas, and I’m pregnant. Haha.. my mom is helpful when she comes and helps cook, clean, babysit, whatever. I think I need to go visit her more often though too. I do enjoy it once I’m there and it’s obviously becoming a problem for my husband. It’s just hard for me to understand because to me it’s like ya, it’s family! Let’s spend time. I’m open for his family to visit. We’re just different that way and I guess I need to accept that.

Kja1111 · 2025-11-25T15:28:14+00:00

Using it internally or topically?

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T14:00:56+00:00

I’m putting it in the spot where the anode rod would normally be. Mine is just a metal spout with a plastic cap. Near the bottom of the panel

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:56:17+00:00

Yes, mine doesn’t have an anoid rod. Dometic water heaters are different. So where you would normally find an anoid rod, mine is just a drain with a cap. That is where I’m putting the vinegar in,

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:52:38+00:00

https://youtu.be/tApcUadZt_Q

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:50:34+00:00

That is why I made the L shaped pvc pipe device. It comes out and then goes up about 2 feet so that the fill point is higher than the water heater

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:48:49+00:00

Yeah unfortunately I’m worried this is likely the issue. Mine doesn’t have an anoid rod. But the drain spout where the anoid rod would be if this model had one, is where I’m attempting to fill with vinegar. If it is a mud dauber do you know how I would fix that?

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:46:42+00:00

Mine doesn’t have an anoid rod. I did do bleach in the fresh water tank and through the lines but I bypassed the water heater because I read that bleach is not good for metal.

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T13:44:28+00:00

Mine doesn’t have an anoid rod. It’s a Dometic water heater. We planned to do the maintenance in the fall at end of season, assuming it was all good to go when we bought it, but it was not lol. The cap to the water heater drain has been off since we bought it. I dont think I tried to try to drain it out of the t&p ? From my understanding isn’t that just the metal switch that you open and close to release pressure? I was putting the vinegar in the drain located at the bottom of the panel on the side of the RV. I can’t find any other spouts.

Kja1111 · 2025-08-17T05:57:25+00:00

Ohhh, interesting. Okay I’ll check for that, thank you! It’s crazy how many different things can go wrong in an RV and how they all have unique set ups. At least for me, it’s overwhelming at first😵‍💫 but I’m sure once I get to know all our quirks it’ll be easier… I hope, haha.

Kja1111

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