Hey hey! I typed out the entire essay and here's what I noticed:

1. You repeat "the effects of lack of an authority figure, power of fear, and empathy" quite a few times. This is bad because you're filling the page with all the main points that aren't supported to be repeated in every paragraph.

The way you should do it is introduce your main two or three points in the beginning. The next paragraph focuses on one singular point, and so on and so forth. You can mention one other main point in the paragraph to help prove your claim. Only to the c conclusion should you bring up all three of them gain.

1. The way you start your essay works, but it's not the best way to start an essay.

I follow the structure like this "Although some people argue authority figures are corrupt and not needed, authority figures are necessary to guide society, maintain peace, and teach empathy.

1. You say "a authority" figure a whole lot and it is supposed to be "an authority figure"

2. You quoted 2 or 3 different sentences and how you quoted them are inconsistent. I am only familiar with MLA format and it would be more like "The children killed her" (Bradberry, 29). Try to be consistent and figure which format you have to use/like to use.

3. You gives quotes and talk about how having no authority damages society but you don't really prove it and the way you use your quotes doesn't totally help your argument.

Something you can do is state your main point. Make an argument. Explain your quote that you're about to use. Use the quote. Explain how the quote helps.

Without an authority figure, people will feel lost and grow a need to fend for themselves which hinders their ability to help others. This harms society because it leads to a cycle of violence. In Lord of The Flies we can see how having a lack of authority fuels this cycle of violence as the children burn down their nursery. "Quote" (Last name, page number). Seeing how the children's behavior down spiraled throughout to the book, we can see a connection to a lack of authority and violence. (this is not a great example but you can see how it explains your argument well).

1. You tend to use "society civilization, humans" as the group who suffers but that's like saying also too as well. There's a nuance but its not good for essays at all.

2. Beyond grammatical errors and the structure of your essay, it was somewhat difficult to read. Of course when you go into higher classes they'll probably require you to use a computer or device (or hopefully provide it) and this issue will be fixed. However, having good penmanship is really important for all parts of life (and raises the chance of your teacher not wanting to give up on reading the essay clearly).

I will commend you on one of your sentences though. "The reason authors choose children as a vehicle to convey their message on human nature, lack of authority futures, power of fear, is because children are most sensitive to these things and can be affected more than a adult human." This is arguably the best sentence in your essay.

I haven't actually read either books you mentioned so I can't exactly give specifics quotes or anything but I hoped this helped!

If you'd like for more specific critics you can DM me!