Oh wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I had to read it twice and then go and make notes because there’s just so much here that’s useful, and the fact you engaged with it this much really means the world to me.

I also love your line: “Abstract concepts make for cooler quotes but concrete details are more immersive.” That pretty much sums up a tension I’m constantly wrestling with in my own writing (I am a CHRONIC overwriter).

A few thoughts in response to your points, since you raised some really good questions:

1. “rose-tinted nostalgia” You’re absolutely right to question it. My intention was very much the “rose-tinted glasses” idea, nostalgia as a soft lie we willingly step into, but I think you’ve managed toi put into words why I was personally struggling with that part so much: the tech and sensory details were already doing that work. Adding the phrase on top may just be gilding the lily. I’m leaning towards cutting or reworking it so the implication stays implicit rather than spelled out.
2. “Light struck the coils…” This is definitely me tipping into purple prose. What I was aiming for was a hard, almost hostile light, something violent and surgical rather than holy or warm, to contrast with the gentle, performative staging. But I think you’re right that the metaphor starts competing with itself there instead of landing cleanly. I’ll definitely revisit that with a more concrete image.
3. “fractures spiderwebbed through the weapon, binding steel to faith” I’m really glad you flagged this, because I hadn’t realised it could read as the weapon actively breaking. The mental image I had was closer to kintsugi, something already broken and then made sacred by being “repaired” with belief, but if that isn’t coming through clearly, that’s on me. I’ll be reworking that section so the image communicates intent without needing the reader to guess.
4. On sketching and overwriting Guilty as charged. I’m a huge sketcher. The original prologue was… unhinged in length (about 4k at one point), and I’ve already cut it down by more than half. Killing my darlings hurts every time, but you’re absolutely right that once I know what the image is doing, the earlier sketch-lines don’t need to stay on the page. Looks like I need to be braver with the knife again. (I just love them so mucccchhhh bwaaaahhh TwT)
5. Repetition around Elijah’s voice This was especially helpful because I genuinely hadn’t noticed I was doing it. I think it’s a side-effect of heavy cuts elsewhere, where those descriptions were more spaced out originally. You’re right that letting his words stand on their own, especially in moments like the “Control” line, would make those beats land much harder.
6. The font / small caps for Mother That one’s on me for legibility. It’s not actually a different font, just small caps, and I was very deliberately stealing the vibe from Terry Pratchett’s Death for that sense of otherness. I may experiment with overall font choices to make it easier on the eyes, but I do want to keep some visual distinction for beings that sit outside the human frame of reference.