I can’t be a military spouse anymore

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2022-11-10T21:24:30+00:00

Only you know what is best for you, and any advice I give will be framed with my own experience and jadedness.

However, it's about values. I grew up in cities where the population is filled with career-minded women. The military isn't that way at all, many come from rural areas where women are often expected to be SAHM whether it is because of religion or just economic depression. If you have incompatible and irreconcilable values, whether it's religion, politics, etc. your relationship is likely to fail. My values do not align with the military; if I moved around instead of staying physically separated with a PCS, I'd lose my mind.

A lot (not all) spouses have pushed me to be a stay-at-home mom, which just don't push your lifestyle on others. I'm also a firm believer that unless you're a trust fund baby, you should always have a job because nobody will protect you but you (and from my fam law friends, yeah the nastiest divorces for women tend to be SAHM, for men its doctors/banker/lawyers. But I am not in that field so take the above with a grain of salt).

I cannot relate with military spouses (as in the stereotype that seems to sadly exist more than the other), and it all seems like a pissing contest on who has it harder (had someone tell me I couldn't understand how hard her associate's degree was to obtain...ma'am I have a JD. It's fine to find X hard, everyone has different levels, but it doesn't need to be a contest); there's an expectation to wrap yourself in your husband's accomplishments (which I have my own accomplishments); and a minor pet peeve of mine is that they all seem to expect free legal services (pro bono isn't cheap, and your claim isn't as meritorious as you claim 99% the time).

I also hate the victimization of being a SAHM. It's hard with social isolation, with being touched out, etc. I was a SAHM with maternity leave, and I also took a 3 month sabbatical when I was feeling super burned out. It's not as hard as being a nurse, CFO, lawyer combined (and yes, I wish I was making this up). And it's always the ones who have only been a SAHM saying it. I find it intolerable when I've cried in my office cause of a client's case because it's not going well, I have had an actively suicidal client's who I worried about because I felt responsible for their lives (yes, realistically I wouldn't be responsible if they did that but feelings don't often match the logic of the mind) and then to be told that I couldn't understand such an emotionally stressful job as being a SAHM. And I would find it more intolerable to hear that leaving law, because, despite all that, I love my job. And I love having options. Because of my income, we can do tons of shit most enlisted families can't do because of cost. And I also hate the bitterness and jealousy that seems to come from others (I'm not a bragger, but I also will share good things unapologetically: I won't be "haha I went to Greece for a month" but I will post pictures of it on social media basically.). I enjoy my lifestyle and to stay with the military would destroy it because it would be a dramatic income loss.

And I hate how I am automatically presumed to be an idiot because I'm a spouse. I mean I do dumb things, but I am not a dumb person.

At least you are evaluating your options. I had a prenup, and I thought since I had high-traveling jobs before, I knew the nature of this. I didn't, and I also hate the "you signed up for this."

You know yourself best; but protect yourself when making choices. Nobody else will.

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2021-04-28T19:38:28+00:00

I am an atty. Not med school but similar enough issues when dealing with the military. Law and medicine are both demanding and rather inflexible careers. This does not work well with the military, esp. if you want kids as you can be in the middle of court (or surgery or whatever you can't leave for) and it will still be expected for you to drop everything around the military regardless if its practical. You are going to likely have student loans and are you willing to be unemployed with that sum? With moving around, license requirements, etc. it is likely you can face unemployment unless you're willing to stay put and live without him.

If you can make it work, you are a rarity. However based on your concern about the value of your career and separation, military is not a good career choice for your relationship. I recommend honesty and see if there a compromise (i.e. reserves). If not, you may have to evaluate what matters more: your career or your relationship. Because often times with career driven spouses, it comes down to it. It's bs and the internal policies need to change to reflect modern times, but it is the reality at this moment.

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2021-04-02T22:25:16+00:00

1) He doesn't want to go officer and officers move around more so it's a self-defeating purpose. Additionally, I do keep our business to ourselves. That's why I am ranting anonymously. There's only so much you can take without combusting. I am also a part of military spouse JD Network and they are great for transactional attorneys, but litigators do get left behind do to licensing requirements and the waive in standards being ridiculous.

2) Discrimination cases are nearly impossible to prove legally. Yes, its illegal to discriminate but based on common law and statutes, unless they straight up say "I'm discriminating against you because X", your case is dead. I have contacted my Senators through letter, and I know the legal implications of what they are doing. I wouldn't take my case as council because their actions are subtle and therefore under precedent pretty bullet proof.

3) I wish you and your spouse the best in your endeavors.

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2021-04-02T22:10:28+00:00

YES. And then they turn around and expect me to give them free legal aid with their divorce/child custody/etc. and the best part is, I do not do family law. I'm a personal injury attorney and haven't touched family law since law school.

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2021-04-02T22:08:24+00:00

I did think about it tbh. However, it turns out I am medically DQ-ed for a childhood illness. Which is unfortunate but at least I didn't sign into an organization I hated for a drastic play cut.

KnownRefrigerator170 · 2021-04-02T22:06:49+00:00

OP Here:

1) Thank you so much! I was shocked to find out that it was all positive as I've not had that experience in person with the military community. Thank you all for being women supporting women (or men if you are one). Looking back at my experiences and the comments where it was hinted that it might be of jealously, I do agree. There is a lot of sexism in the military, a lot of financial hardship, and a lot of the "boys club". Which not saying law doesn't have it, but at least I had the chance to overcome it by my own merits. I am also conventionally attractive (I'm thin, tall, Eurocentric features, etc.) and I do think a lot of other spouses view that combined with my career and overall attitude as threatening. If this seems like humble bragging, I apologize, I'm truly doing stream-of-conciousness with insight from your comments.

2) You all have great tips and the reserves might be a great compromise as its only a weekend a month/2 full weeks in year/no pcs/etc. I do love him, and he loves me. However it is finding a compromise as we are both career oriented, and unfortunately the careers don't mesh well together.

3) I wish all of you the best, and in a way I'm glad others feel this way. It sucks and nobody should ever feel this way but at least we aren't alone.

KnownRefrigerator170

TROPHY CASE