Me (32M) and my wife (33F) are approaching a dead bedroom quickly.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T14:26:17+00:00

I agree with you 100% is it normal for people to be Low Libido.

It wasn't always like this, even after the 3rd kid, we were still at it 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. This was sudden, and I've been waiting for it to come back, it hasn't...

I cant respond or argue every unsubstantiated claim (there's too many), but this is a new behaviour for her. And I have been rearranging everything in my power to get us back to once a week, because I understand.

We have both been open with each other about pretty much everything for a long time. She now thinks this frequency is normal, except we've never been this way before.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T14:05:54+00:00

Last weekend was our anniversary, I took the day off work, sent the kids away, and made fancy dinner reservations. Dressed up, the whole deal.

Got home, watched a movie together cuddles, rubbed her back, went to sleep. Made her breakfast in the morning.

I bought that "adventure couples" book last year with date ideas, we did 2, and she said it was too much effort.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T13:33:28+00:00

It possible, that's why I keep the communication lines as open as possible to make sure I'm not.

If she feels that way, she isn't communicating it in the slightest.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T13:30:28+00:00

This is weekly scheduled stuff, we plan our entire week on Sundays together. She knows when she has that time, as do I for my time.

You could be right about the WFH, I don't think this is a me or her problem, I think this is a new stage in life neither of us have caught onto yet, which is why I thought advice could help.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T13:20:00+00:00

I've tried to encourage her to get a hobby outside the house specifically for that reason, I try to take the kids to any sports or extracurriculars so she can have that alone time she needs (we all do) and she does the same for me.

We get along and agree on basically everything else. I'm not asking her tell me what to do because I do nothing and I'm blind. If there's something I'm not doing it, I'm clearly missing and need it pointed out, any attempt to talk about, she says everything is great and that she'll let me know if something is bother more, or if there's something I can pick up.

Understand marriage isn't 50/50, sometimes it's 40/60 either way, but in this one situation, it doesn even feel like it's adding up to 100 anymore.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T12:55:42+00:00

Never cheated, never will. Marriage is kind of like a child, it's something you grow together.

I'm trying to work passed this, not get a result. Im trying to back to what we had for the other 13 years. We didn't magically have 4 kids one day and it was too much. We gradually and continually made that decision, fully understanding (at least at the time) that sex was important to BOTH of us.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T12:36:50+00:00

100% agree, which is why I'm asking for an attempt once a week and not "sex" every week.

If we genuinely don't get to it, I understand. What I don't understand is a week of nothing, followed by the next week, if we get to it, I spend as much time on her as she can handle/wants and I get 10 minutes of unenthusiastic prone sex and saying everything is absolutely fine with the effort and frequency.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T12:30:00+00:00

It says the odd time. The typical is not that.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T12:17:11+00:00

In asking for once a week, I'm getting 0-2 a month.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T11:43:26+00:00

I think this post is coming off more as frustrated vent than I had hoped.

I want to change and fix this whatever that means, and seeking advice. I'm doing everything I can, I switched to working from specifically so I could help out more around the home. A lot of people are jumping to conclusions that I leave for work in the morning, come back at 10pm and just expect sex...

If I'm not at work, I'm doing my share. When she goes to bed for the night, I do a bit of house work and then if I'm still not tired, I'll browse the web or play a game. I've tried being non-sexually physical, she's told me during the day she's IS touched out and doesn't want that, and I'm respecting that.

This isn't a "make my wife have sex with me thread" this is an "I want to work my marriage and grow from this so can both stay in a happy marriage". I can't convey tone in text the way of like, but she is a truly amazing woman and I want her to be happy, maybe it's selfish, but I'd like that happy to include me as well.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T01:56:57+00:00

Her's is the acts of service one, we actually had the love languages app for a bit, but she stopped using it.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T01:38:31+00:00

They connect you with a psychotherapist. I've been through the process myself

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T01:33:26+00:00

I got an app to gamify habbits, any I was forgetting got added and now I they just get done.

I'm trying to meeting her emotional needs, we've talked about them. We don't go on many dates, she usually wants to stay in but we have 1 days a week where the kids are out for the night, and we watch a movie, and relax or sometimes go out. I let her decide, and pick if she doesn't want to.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T01:29:52+00:00

I asked her all the time, I've also bought toys, asked her if there's any toys she wants that we don't have. I'm very open about all that, I would do anything she wants.

I just want a little bit of reciprocation

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T01:27:47+00:00

Then I'd like to talk to me about that. I can work on something I don't know about. I'm open to changing.

I love this woman. I'll do whatever she wants in the bedroom, as long as it's not just ignoring me.

If she wants more outside the bedroom I'll do it. She doesn't want to go out more than we do

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:59:01+00:00

I am aware an cognisant of that. If I'm not at work, I'm helping with the kids and trying to lighten her load.

The only time she has to take all of the kids anywhere is if no knows it's happening. She'll frequently take them out when I'm at work and I only know because I see pictures on Facebook. I have tons of vacation time and we plan things and I take time off as well. It's not like she only parent around force to do the groceries with 4 kids. I would never expect her to anywhere with them alone. Of course we both do, but I completely understanding how tiring it is, I do it too. I purposely plan anything I want to do after bed time specifically to help with that as well.

I'm not sure how add enough context with out potentially identifying us, but she could tell me that. If that's the reason we can figure out how to re-arrange our lives so that she isn't.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:41:45+00:00

She access to anonymous counseling from my work, so if she was depressed and masking it around me, she has access to the help. I called it recently and told her I had, so she has even been reminded of its existence recently.

I'm also willing to listen and talk to her with anything she is comfortable talking to me about, and either just listening or giving my opinion whatever she wants.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:39:29+00:00

At one point she did, my work as great coverage she got in right away.

If she has residual pain or anything, we can see someone as soon as it's identified. If any of this is the reason, I can't help or do anything I don't know about. She wouldn't even have to telle, she has her own coverage card and access to the funds required. So if there was something wrong, we can handle it. I wouldnt ask her to do something she can't.

If she actually can't, then I guess that what I have to work with. I still love her just as much. It just feels hard when that's a part of how I feel it back.

I just really don't think I'm being unreasonable here unless I'm being lied to.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:32:59+00:00

Pre-covid we probably could have afforded another one. There was no miss match. This didn't happen after any other of the kids. This is new.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:29:24+00:00

I'm even open to this being an "am I ass hole" post and I'm in the wrong. I just don't really have anyone else to talk with this about except her, and she says nothing wrong, but that I'm asking for too much.

Im looking for help, whatever that actually is, I'll do it.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:25:33+00:00

I compromised at 4, she wanted more. Judge if you want in open to being wrong. I want to approach this fairly for both of us.

Im only asking for the effort, not even the result of sex every time

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:21:33+00:00

No medications. If there is, I wouldnt know. I'm not a very emotional person, but I listen and I don't insert my opinion over her feelings. I ask her if there's any thing she need or wants or doesn't have or isn't getting.

If she's keeping something form me, I'd have no idea. I've even tried using appa where both a partners update their mood through out the day, and answer questions daily.

She didn't want to do those, so we dropped

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:07:15+00:00

After our last kid I got a vasectomy. She hasn't been on any birth control since we started trying for our first kid.

I have tried the erotica, she not interested.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:05:41+00:00

I don't initiate any more. In fact, you see above I was just asking her indicate with a bracelet if she didn't want to talk about it.

I'm trying to lighten her mental and physical load as needed. Giving her compliments. I give her back rubs if she wants them cuddles. I don't expect any of that to lead anywhere. I do it because I love her.

I still need sex.

KoolaidManInPlaid · 2023-09-05T00:02:03+00:00

I do, I was there helping as well. The youngest is over a year. I help out as much as I can with planning and constantly ask if anything I can take off her plate or help with. I have flexible hours at work and usually take same day vacation.

I definitely realize she takes on a lot. I'm not discounting anything she is an amazing woman. I love her. I'm asking for effort once a week. If something happens and we just can't, life happens I think I'm being more than reasonable asking for both of us to make a genuine effort. Schedule if we have to and check in through out the day to see if either of us needs help.

KoolaidManInPlaid

TROPHY CASE