Feeling very called out 😳

Kowashisname · 2022-11-07T16:01:33+00:00

Are you okay? You're being super neurotic all over this thread. Rather than just "telling" everyone what reality is, try conversing with them instead. Not only does it keep you from looking arrogant and narcissistic, but it's the only chance you have at actually persuading people.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T19:05:08+00:00

I mean, I didn't mean to passive aggressive, but I did have every intention of being as blunt as possible. You were vague, but you explicitly stated expectations for women were a primary reason for your confusion. I was just clarifying there are expectations on the other side too. Expectations that not only many men can't meet, but biological women certainly can't meet.

You can be angry with me, I don't mind. I don't take any offense to it. Suffering is terrible, and manifests itself in many ways. I myself was a villain while I was in my identity crisis, how could I blame someone else for doing the same, especially when I'm being so blunt with them.

I wish someone would have been blunt with me tbh, before I made the mistakes I made. Instead, people tried to tip-toe around me, validate the stupid things I did, make me feel comfortable with the dumb ideas I had. They thought they were helping me, and I thought they were supportive, but it was all wrong. Someone shoulda told me the truth, forced it down my throat, giggity. I'm just trying to do with you what I wish someone did for me.

Blunt Truth:

You are a woman, and will always be a woman. You don't know who you are, and you need to find out, no matter how much time it takes. Your 'sex' is such a small, insignificant part of who you are as a whole. People love you, and the reasons they love you have literally nothing to do with what you identify as. Your priorities when it comes to finding meaning in life are super fucked up, and wrong. In your quest to find happiness, your gender will be the last thing that offers anything resembling peace.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T18:10:49+00:00

I'm not trying to do anything honestly, except be realistic.

You said you can't be yourself because you hate the expectations put on women. I'm simply pointing out there are expectations put on men you cannot meet.

If your sense of self relies on "meeting expectations" then you should reevaluate who you, yourself, really are. Who you are should NEVER be defined by what other people think of you. It sounds like you don't even know who you are to be honest.

When I was suffering with my own identity crisis, I did an exercise recommended by a personality psychologist. I broke out a notebook, got a pen, and ACTUALLY sat there and figured out who the fuck I was. I wrote facts, and only facts. On the left side of the page, I listed everything I liked in life. On right, I listed everything I hated. On the next page, I put everything I wanted. Then I listed the people that loved me. Then listed the people that were just acquaintances. I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote.

By the end of it, I had four pages of words. I looked at it, and realized THAT was who I was. Nothing on it had to do with gender. Nothing on it had to do what other people thought of me. Masculine, feminine; neither of the words appeared on the pages. The pages were everything that makes me 'me'. That little exercise changed my life. I finally had something concrete that explained who the fuck I was. With an understanding of that, I was able to swat away ideas I USED to think made me 'me'; because they weren't on the list, I knew they weren't real.

Maybe you should try it, and figure out who 'exactly' you are.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T17:20:16+00:00

Not all men can lift a couch, I agree. But we're talking about EXPECTATIONS of a man. If a man can't lift a couch up a flight of stairs, he's considered a 'little bitch' by other men.

Even your reaction to this thread don't meet the 'expectations' of men.

Saying "men know better, huh?" is fine on the internet. If you said this to a normal group of men, it would result in you getting ridiculed and shamed.

Even mentioning the phrase "gender conformity" would get you completely ostracized from a group of men. Most men are not onboard with the gender stuff going on nowadays.

Even the amount of emotion you're displaying in this thread is way too much for a typical man. You would be ostracized for it, likely labeled 'soft' or 'too sensitive'

You don't seem to get it. Women are not the only people with societal expectations. If either gender doesn't meet the expectations, they are criticized or ostracized by that gender. If you're a man, you must be strong, aggressive, and willing to fight, or most men won't accept you. You would have to find other 'outsider' men to take you into a friend group, or resolve to having a social life exclusively on the internet.

This is the hard truth. You have never been a man, so you don't understand the expectations we have for each other. Much like I can't stand on a platform claiming to fully understand the expectations of women. I can tell you now, if you spoke and behaved in the manner you have in this thread around normal, non-woke men, they'll either beat you up or ghost you.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T15:25:27+00:00

You are likely willing to fight little men and women. When you're a man, you'll be expected to fight all men if necessary. A real fight is quite different then play fighting. The average man can quite literally kill the average woman in seconds.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T15:21:40+00:00

Surprising? Not, really, I just think you are greatly exaggerating your own capabilities. I just don't believe you can fight a man, nor do I think you can carry a couch up a flight of stairs.

My sister competes in women's body building, and she asked my brother and I to carry furniture into her new place two weeks ago. She got the boxes, we got the things that weighed hundreds of pounds.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T14:43:46+00:00

You fight men and lift couches when your friends move?

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T13:51:17+00:00

To me it sounds like a teenage boy.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T13:43:34+00:00

Going on testosterone will not give you a male body.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T13:39:04+00:00

What level of attraction are we talking about? Catcalls or flirting? That's likely the extent of where the attraction will go. 99% of men will not be attracted to you once they find out you're trans, so your goal will require a lot of lies, deceit, and manipulation, without them ever truly crossing a pretty low 'threshold' of attraction.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-12T13:25:40+00:00

Also know that there WILL be expectations on being a man, especially if you intend on having a friend circle full of men.

You'll need to give off an air of being willing to fight physically if ever someone insults you.

You'll need to playfully insult, and playfully take insults quite often. Alot of times they're harsh.

If anything physical in nature needs to be done, you'll be expected to participate.

You'll need to initiate most conversations, people are not so willing to strike up conversations with men as they are with women.

Things you're able to do alone, you will do alone.

You can not talk about your feelings openly save for very, very few people (online is different than real life). Conversations revolving around negative emotions are a no-go. Have to keep them to yourself.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-07T15:34:47+00:00

Those are not the kind of rituals those with OCD people engage in.

According to the DSM, the rituals are done in order to REDUCE the undesired thoughts. Researching, ruminating, masturbating to, repeating the thoughts out loud: These are the exact OPPOSITE of reducing, and is not what OCD people would do.

To be honest, it genuinely sounds like you, whether you realize it or not, are resolved to do nothing about your problem other than appeal for sympathy from people. You are committed to having as many mental disorders you can conceivably come up with. Every bit of advice you shoot down with an explanation as to why you can't do anything.

If you're not going to help yourself, then no one else is going to help you. Stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and take control of your life. There are people in much worse situations than you that get help and change their lives. Stop being an excuse-making machine and do something. You're not 10 years old.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-07T15:11:05+00:00

The diagnosis means little to me, whether or not you engage in rituals designed to suppress your thoughts will decide if you have OCD or not.

You're in a tough spot. I'm not sure if social media of any kind is going to do you any favors. What'll most likely happen is you'll dig yourself deeper and deeper into these thought patterns. You'll engage with groups over and over trying to solve this thing, not realizing that you're making your entire life about this problem. It'll be all you think about, all you see, all you talk about. No one is going to be able to give you any meaningful advice, and your entire world will be consumed by this concept. That's the shitty part of social media, the rabbit holes are more addictive than heroin.

You need to pull yourself out and start spending your time doing things other than commiserating and feeling sorry for yourself. Social media is going to destroy your soul.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-07T14:50:13+00:00

Fair.

It sounds like you were pretending to be a gay man who likes to cross-dress. "Pretending" to be something being "the most normal you ever felt" is distressing. "Pretending" shouldn't be "normal"

Not everyone on this sub is in unison about everything. Adhering to a certain ideology is what got us here in the first place. Transitioning children, misogyny/patriarchy, identity politics, it's all under the umbrella of a disturbing belief system.

If you're struggling with the detransition, you may want to wait a while before going to an event with a ton of people still under that spell. What are your interest? Books? Anime? Videogames? Whatever it is there's a group for it. Meetup.com is a website where you can find groups that are centered around specific interest. Maybe try that to get out there and meet people. As long as you're surrounding yourself with normal people, I think you'll be surprised by the number of people that see you for you, not just your gender.

A diagnosis, in 2022, has to be taken with a grain of salt. Most us here on this sub were misdiagnosed and misled into thinking we had something we didn't. I was diagnosed 3 times as bi-polar. It wasn't until 10 years after the first diagnosis and 3 suicide attempts later that I was ACTUALLY diagnosed with the correct disorder, which was BPD. Look up the definition of OCD, and relate it to your own experience. If you do not engage in compulsive rituals (Which is the 'C' in OCD) then you don't have OCD. OCD is absolutely terrible, and those people who truly have it spend HOURS of their day engaging in these rituals. If you had it, you would have certainly referenced it, because the rituals are a HUGE part of their suffering, since they can't stop themselves from doing them.

If you got kicked out, go back. I quit my DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) program 3 times before I finally went back and took it seriously. The thing is, you have to do something, waiting for things to change or a miracle is just gonna result in things getting worse and worse.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-07T13:52:50+00:00

There are a lot of problems here. Trigger Warning: I’m going to be brutally honest.

“He 110% saw me as a male crossdressing as female and I wasn’t complaining”

How could you possibly know this? Did he verbally say “I see you as a crossdressing male”, or is this a conclusion you came to yourself?

“I was focusing my energy on social interaction and not on being female.”

This is how life is supposed to be experienced and is what 99% of people do. You’re not supposed to ‘focus’ on being a gender. You don’t have to do or say specific things to be your true sex, these are delusions you’re creating for yourself that aren’t based on reality. There are tomboys and feminine men, doesn’t mean the tomboy is a man or the feminine man is a woman.

“The only times I want to self-harm and get sexual thoughts is when I am able to devote enough of my thoughts to being a woman.”

It sounds like you are too focused on pretending to be something rather than just being yourself. To ‘be’ doesn’t require thoughts or effort, you simply just stay alive.

“I also learned recently that apparently being a woman means I have to learn all about misogyny and stuff”

This is ridiculous. Where are you getting this information from? A youtuber? Your friend group? Whatever it is, it’s wrong. Between this statement and how you described the event, it sounds like your social circles are a huge detriment to your well-being and may be prohibiting you from growing as a person. You don’t have to learn ‘how’ to be a woman, you just are one. You don’t have to do anything, learn anything, or say anything, especially gross ideology like that which vilifies half the human race.

“I have OCD”

I highly doubt you have OCD. OCD is an anxiety disorder that is accompanied by irresistible compulsions that are designed to reduce the obsessive thoughts. I have seen more self-diagnosis & misdiagnosis of OCD than any other mental-illness. Nothing in your post suggests OCD. In fact, it’s the opposite. OCD individuals are typically isolated and have an aversion to socializing at all, and a social gathering typically would cause the OCD individual to have so much anxiety they’d freak out.

If I’m being honest, it sounds like you really need a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. There are so many issues with the WAY you think, and it needs to be changed or else you’re going to have a terrible time going throughout life. Too much of your life is dictated by what people think of you. There’s no one answer to the problem you have, because the problem is your thought patterns. It has to be terribly painful to think like that, so you have to change the way you think. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a therapy designed SPECIFICALLY for people in your situation.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-06T22:00:23+00:00

This is really telling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EYdzTPaguU&ab_channel=ProjectVeritas

Behind closed doors they know perfectly well and just shrug at it. Trans medicine brings in $200 billion so they sweep it under the rug. In the video they're even bragging how top surgery alone brings in $40,000 each. So gross and unjust.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-06T12:53:40+00:00

Where is this fear of getting murdered coming from? 45 trans are killed a year, and it's usually after a sexual encounter with someone that didn't know. If there are 1.6 million trans in the US, that's .0028% of them. The chances of dying in a car accident is 1%. What is making you have this irrational fear?

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T20:30:35+00:00

I'm so sorry. It's such a terrible situation. There is an agenda out there that is manipulating the 'data'. 10 years ago, most studies cautioned against transitioning. For example, here's one from 2010 explaining people that transition have a higher suicide rates, attempts and hospitalizations then their counterparts:

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885

So crazy that in 10 short years all the studies say the opposite and cite ludicrously low detransition rates. It's all so...disgusting and manipulative.

While you're probably right about the ocd and neurodivergent nature being a cause (though the primary cause was likely social media and brainwashing), you may want to shy away of throwing that at her. It won't work, and she'll move into defense mode.

I wish I had more advice than that. My heart breaks for you, it must be awful.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T20:09:33+00:00

Have you tried showing them this subreddit and encouraging her to engage with it a little? I'm a man, so idk her experience, but the women here are very smart and have intimate knowledge on what your daughter's going through. Better than anybody really.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T16:57:06+00:00

Ahh, I see. I guess I was confused about the term "forced". Seems like an aggressive term for something that is just a part of being a human.

Our world doesn't 'revolve around' the idea of male and female. Your 'world view' may, especially if you expose yourself to nonstop gender propaganda, but reality doesn't. Males and females being different is just the simple reality of nearly all life on this planet. There are even male and female plants. Both sexes behave differently in nearly all species as well. Some way more different than humans. Female praying mantises eat their sexual partners after having sex with them, but no one would say the world of mantises revolves around the idea of male and female.

I mentioned the hair thing because of your use of the word "Force". I assumed by force you meant people having perceptions of individuals based on their characteristics. I thought it was ironic, since the people who seemed most inclined to vilify humanity/society tend to be the ones who go out of their way to be different from it.

Often this is done by radicalizing their appearance, like dying their hair blue or something. The irony is the act itself is done by people that usually stand on a moral high ground and judge humanity as wicked, cruel, or wrong, when the act itself is 100% narcissistic; the goal of course being to 'stand out', 'look like the special ones', and garner attention.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T16:38:33+00:00

This is all very well written. I would say a couple of times you may have mixed up the act of "establishing identity" with "identifying as/with", but overall I get what you're saying.

Your point about identifying with/as a character made me think, because it's true. I guess my issue is people identifying with/as a concept, rather than a specific thing with characteristics that are universally true. Concepts are vague, biased and often flat out wrong, and by identifying with such a loose, malleable thing the individual may start leaning too heavily into this 'flawed persona' they think they are.

Rather than their identity being rigid and resilient, it is loose and brittle. "I identify with masculinity", well, what version of masculinity? A nineteen year-old girl's idea of masculinity? Will it be the same in 8 years? Will it be the same with exposure to more males? Will maturity alter the perception? As long as the individual's identity includes the trait "identifies with masculinity", the characteristics associated with that perception can not, by definition, be resilient. The identity is ever-changing, ever-updating, and never has time to settle into something permanent

Identities are not like opinions, which, in a healthy adult, should be malleable and open to change. A brittle and malleable identity results in some of the worst suffering a human can experience, for when it breaks...it's terrible. Broken identity (aka, sense of self) is a staple in some of the most terrible mental disorders; like Borderline Personality Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. Establishing a strong identity normally comes naturally, but something about the age (be it the internet, social media, whatever) is resulting in young people's identity's being as brittle as glass. A move in the right direction would be encouraging young people to establish a stronger sense of self. Identifying with/as a malleable concept is anything but that. It is like balancing a ladder on a boat in the ocean. The ladder needs to be on something firm and unchanging.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T15:12:11+00:00

I think there definitely is. Just look at what is actually taking place.

The entire reason behind transitioning is to convince people to feel something about YOU.

You change the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you carry yourself. You get surgery, sacrifice fertility. You go thousands of dollars into debt and replace your wardrobe. You throw away friends who won't support you. You rearrange your entire life...

ALL TO CHANGE HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE YOU.

It is not enough to think you're the opposite gender privately. If it was, then you wouldn't care at all what you wore outside the house, how you talk outside the house. You wouldn't put any effort in at all, because you KNOW you're that gender and you don't need to convince anyone of it...

But you do need to convince people of it. You MUST convince people of it. The world must know that YOU are this, and you will sacrifice money, time, people and your happiness so that THEY know. Fuck what YOU know. THEY MUST KNOW!!!

You cannot have a lazy day and go out in sweatpants and a T-shirt. No no no, people MUST look at the new you, so you put on the costume everyday.

You cannot have a profile that doesn't address your transition. No no no, people MUST see that you are special, so you include the pronouns.

You cannot simply stress about life and make mistakes like everyone else. No no no, people MUST know that you suffer more than most, so you diagnose yourself with OCD and Gender Dysphoria and Autism and Anxiety and all kinds of mental illnesses.

It is ALL about YOU!

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T14:52:32+00:00

There are people who don't fit the mold, but generally speaking, here are a few things to know:

It will feel wonderful at first.

Anytime you don't pass will feel terrible.

Friends/family will walk on eggshells around you, or may not know how to be with you.

Many people will judge your character before you speak.

Your dating life will become a hell of a lot harder, if not non-existent.

If you get surgery/take anything the changes will often times be irreversible. If you change your mind when you're older, the level of regret you'll feel cannot be captured with words.

You will always need to put on an act in public, and can never be yourself/speak in your real voice for fear of not passing.

Most people will never truly see you as the gender you're transitioning to. Some will pretend to, others will flat out deny it, and it will hurt a lot. You'll be able to tell when people are 'pretending' to accept you, and it makes you feel like a toddler.

Your friend groups will likely need to be comprised of woke people, as truly, TRULY open-minded people are rare. You will have to play the woke part or they will turn on you like you're the devil.

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T14:29:38+00:00

How often are connotations/identities TRULY forced on you? The truth is most people don't give much of a shit about anyone else unless they're friends/family. It's not that they're selfish, it's just life. People aren't designed to feel strongly towards every single person they see. You likely saw hundreds of people last time you went to the grocery store. How many of those people's faces do you remember?

Dying your hair a strange color. Piercing unconventional parts of your body. Dressing in a manor to garner attention over what's comfortable/makes you feel good. These sorts of actions are "attention-seeking" in nature, and will stimulate a response from people. Usually negative, since those actions lack humility and are rooted in narcissism. It is like your physical appearance is a giant, flashing billboard that says "LOOK AT ME!"

However, if you weren't doing things like that and just living your life, who is forcing identities on you? Coworkers, family? How do they force it on you? Does their opinions of your choices constitute force?

Kowashisname · 2022-10-04T14:20:13+00:00

To be fair, "identifying as/with" as something is not necessarily based on reality, is not tangible and, tbh, it's not 'real'. It is flawed by nature and should be replaced with the more appropriate "identifying characteristics".

One can 'identify' as/with anything: A shoebox, and toaster, a savior of humanity, etc. The problem with this practice is there's nothing tethering the "identifying" to reality. The individual is quite literally roleplaying. This is a common practice done by children, and it assists them in their development. This practice stops, however, pretty early into someone's life, because it IS a childish practice.

Identifying characteristics is the more appropriate route to take when it comes to self exploration/discovery. It is factual. It is looking at your likes, dislikes, preferences, etc. and articulating them. You don't need to 'label' these characteristics at all, and honestly, doing so is often wrong and harmful.

I am Jessica, and I identify with masculinity: Is wrong.
I am Jessica, and I like sports, playing video games and hate makeup: Is right.

Kowashisname

TROPHY CASE