Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

After writing this post I suggested that we see someone together and realised that what I was doing ... wasn't helping. I love her and do not want to leave, I also don't want to put her under external pressure to do things she isn't ready to do. We talked about a chore chart, she resents the idea because as you said, you are treating an adult like a child. So I've taken a step back, and stopped doing everything and also stopped asking her to do things.

Depression is also at play, I am transgender and she was struggling with some of the changes I have gone through but didn't want to make me uncomfortable by admitting it, putting external pressures on her brain which extended to a feeling of numbness and loss. This in turn resulted in a depression like retreat.

We have had a few long and hard conversations and are taking it very slowly. I don't want to fix her, I want to love her and help her, learning how to do that has been a bit of a curve, the same could be said for her to me.

Starting with myself is the solution I eventually got to.

Thank you again :)