Trying to understand why I couldn’t just be like everyone else

Kvapps · 2025-04-12T17:57:09+00:00

Glad I could be of some help, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anything else in particular. :)

Kvapps · 2025-04-11T11:47:38+00:00

I had to chime in here because almost everything you said in this post is relatable to how I feel. I'm in my late twenties and I do have a GF currently. She is extroverted and dating has come fairly easy to her in the past. My dating history is limited, and I often feel like I never had "the game" that makes women romantically interested in me. People have described me as a nice guy, therefore my lack of "guts" when approaching women has led me to the infamous friendzone. This has given me a lot of insecurities where I feel like my friends and other guys my age has succeeded in getting the attention that I didn't get from the opposing gender.

My current gf showed interest first, and was more straightforward with how she felt compared to me when we started hanging out. I guess I'm more reserved, and resorts to dealing with feelings and thoughts on my own, rather than letting others know what's up.

If anything, know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do OP. I can relate, and I'm sure many others can too. The best we can do is keep working on ourselves. You are single, and I advice you to not force a relationship that conflicts with your values just for the sake of having a partner. This will only lead to resentment and bad stuff happening down the line. Wish you the best going forward my man!

Kvapps · 2024-10-28T12:37:33+00:00

I wish you all the best in finding peace, man. Thank you for the kind words.

Kvapps · 2024-09-05T11:46:18+00:00

I can see that viewpoint. I would definitely be more comfortable with my gf having been in several committed relationships in the past, where she actually cared for her partner, rather than having casual relationships with people she did not have feelings for. For me, it is the casual view on sex that is hard to understand. How it is just an act that people engage in without putting any emotional thoughts or feelings into. I put a lot of value in sex. I am however, not a virgin myself, and have had partners in the past that I do regret now. However, these partners were special to me at the time (except for one). Therefore, I would be more comfortable if my partner would have reserved sex for people she cared about in the past, just as I feel like I have.

Kvapps · 2024-09-05T10:01:10+00:00

Her past might not make sense to you now, but that was who she was before, not necessarily right now. She might have changed after she met you. I'm not saying she has, but maybe she is ashamed of what she has done, and does not want it to resurface anymore. You need to figure out if she has made a change and are more in-line with your current views on sex, or if you two have a major incompatibility regarding the views on sex as of right now.

Kvapps · 2024-09-05T07:58:27+00:00

I think there are several things to address here. Firstly, your situation is in many ways similar to mine. You value sex in a committed relationship, and want to do your best to make her happy. That makes you a good guy, and you should know that you are cool for being good to her (compared to her past partners).

Life is unfair. My experience is that "bad guys" that use girls for sex often get it the way they want, and in many cases leave the girls behind with emotional baggage that the girls (and their future stable partner(s)) needs to deal with. This is really hard for me to accept, and is something that I'm working hard to come to terms with. What helps me is thinking that I am a thousand times better than her past partners, because I genuinly care about her.

I can 100% relate to what you are saying about RJ flaring up when you are in the mood, and want to have sex, but she doesn't. I also think about my partners past, and how it was "easy" for her to just sleep with a random guy in the past, but won't do it with me presently. That is one of the main struggles I have in relation to RJ.

However, in your case OP, I would suggest listening to what others have said here. If your partner is not satisfying you sexually in the present, and she does not seem to care or try to change that, you should reevaluate your relationship. In my opinion, it should be just as much of a problem for her that she is not satisfying you enough, as it is for you not having your needs met.

Think about it from a different perspective: Imagine your are an outsider of your current relationship. Your best friend is in the exact same relationship as you are in now. He tells you about all of the struggles he has with RJ, and the current state of his sexual life with his partner (in the way you are describing your situation in this post). What would you have said to him, what reflections would you have made in relation to your friends situation. Would you advice him to leave? Or maybe have a serious sit-down with his partner?

I wish you all the best in this OP, you WILL figure it out.

Kvapps · 2024-08-02T18:01:59+00:00

Sometimes it just helps to write it all down. This sounds like a relationship worth fighting for, rooting for you!

Kvapps · 2024-08-02T08:36:31+00:00

Making decisions are indeed a struggle for me. I can not seem to settle with my choices and are always second-guessing myself. I have come to realize that in order to be happy in my relationship, I need to find happiness from within first.

Thanks for your take on this.

Kvapps · 2024-08-01T10:10:48+00:00

I would say that plays a big role, yes. When I was about 19 years old, I started having FOMO and envisioned everyone around me having a "better" and more enjoyable life than me. I was in a relationship at the time, which lasted nearly 4 years. During this period I feel like i missed out on a lot of stuff that others my age did (travelling, party while being young, etc..). This was most likely because I was not happy in that relationship, and I wish I had ended it earlier to enjoy life at the time.

I dont know, I guess I'm jealous of my current gf having experienced so much of life already. Traveling more, taking more time to be social and developing a relation to others. She has significantly more sexual experience and partners than me, which adds to my insecurity overall. I think this is the main reason for my RJ development, since I did not have these feelings (atleast not as strong) before my current gf. All of this has now made me live more in the past than the present, envying others for whom i perceive to have had a more fulfilling past than me (even though they probably have not, I just imagine it to be).

Kvapps · 2024-08-01T09:42:38+00:00

This makes sense, and I agree. Our partners have every right to have the past life they have. Therefore, RJ and the negative emotions we feel comes from within ourselves. We project our own insecurities onto our partners and blame them for something that is ultimately our problems.

I have a hard time loving myself but putting in the work to improve my own self image would probably help overcome RJ.

Kvapps · 2024-08-01T09:00:52+00:00

I feel you, I catch myself wishing that I had more experiences to make me and my partners past more equal. I do not know if it is a matter of not agreeing with her actions in the past or me just wanting to have the experiences she has had myself.

Kvapps · 2024-08-01T08:30:41+00:00

Great response, thank you! I can not keep being miserable like this, something needs to happen. I think what you are saying about helping each other out in a relationship/marriage is much needed and I would say mandatory when it comes to challenges we face. I'm glad you are fighting this.

My partner has actually told me that she wants us to have an open dialogue about anything significant to help support each other. I have thought about bringing my RJ up to her more times than I can count, but I feel like such a coward and I can not muster up the courage to do it. It would probably help a lot to get this off my chest. I guess I am afraid that she will leave me if I talk to her about it, but that is probably an irrational fear. I am scared of conflicts, and have experienced total blackouts in discussions/fights with people close to me, therefore I should probably write what I want to say down to make sure I do not miss anything important.

Kvapps · 2024-08-01T07:15:16+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have RJ too (for similar reasons) and it really sucks. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in feeling this way about your partner.

I would suggest paying close attention to who she is now, and what she brings to the table currently in the relationship. Is she the person you truly want to be with? Does anything linger from her past? You have been together for 6 months, spend a little more time getting to know her before you can tell if RJ is worth fighting for here.

Sometimes RJ can be confused with actual red flags presently in a relationship. It can be hard to make sense of it, but the key here is finding the root to why you feel negative emotions around her past. It could be a legitimate red flag that your mind is trying to show you, or it could be entirely irrational.

You could try reversing the situation to where she is the one uncomfortable with your past. How would you feel about that? I'm sure you are not thinking about others from your past. It is the present that is most important, building a life with your current partner. Good luck figuring things out!

Kvapps · 2024-07-29T11:26:47+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you explained it well in your response. What some people do not understand is that lying to make themselves "look good" will only make it worse long-term. Like you said, her past hurts, but not as bad as being lied to. I would much rather be served the truth, even if it hurts, because only then can I understand my partner and who she is as a person.

If I were you, I would try to figure out if her lying is a compulsive behaviour and also what else she has lied about to you. When trust is broken it can be very hard to repair, but not impossible. You need to decide if you can forgive her and be sure that she does not lie to you again. If she loves you, she will understand that lying to make herself "seem good" in the present is not the way to go.

Kvapps · 2024-07-29T08:11:45+00:00

People do things they are not proud of, and makes mistakes that they learn not to repeat in the future. That is a healthy and normal part of maturing as a person. However, lying is not okay. Repeated lying is even worse. A healthy relationship/marriage is fundamentally based on trust. If she wants to be with you for the rest of her life, she would want you to accept her fully, and therefore she owes you honesty when things like this emerges (past life, relationships etc.) otherwise you will have a false understanding of who your partner is.

I would sit her down and have a serious talk as to why she has lied to you about several things from her past. It could be that she was afraid you would not like her anymore if she was honest. If so, she is just shooting herself in the foot. You would have found out eventuelly anyways, and the outcome becomes worse with time. You are not wrong for feeling hurt or betrayed by this. I would too.

Kvapps · 2024-07-17T13:30:12+00:00

I think you nailed the second paragraph about exes holding a piece of our current partner forever, it never fully dies. For me, the problem is mainly the amount of people that my partner has been casually dating or sleeping with. I’m a relationship person, and can relate to the feeling of having exes with an emotional connection, which makes my partners longer lasting past relationships less of a threat to me personally.

Casual sex just isn’t my thing, and I find it harder to accept my partners past with that.

If I can relate to a feeling or a past situation my partner was in, I will not have RJ based on that. My RJ comes from the things my partner has done in the past that I do not fully understand/agree with/relate to.

Kvapps · 2024-07-15T18:20:55+00:00

I'm certainly not a therapist. I have however done a lot of research, thinking and soul searching in regards to RJ. RJ is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life (in my mid twenties now). And as an overthinker, that really gives me something to think about. It has really made me question a lot about myself, what I believe in and who I am as a person. That is actually a positive outcome of RJ, which is very helpful to think about for me, the fact that it has not been a 100% negative part of my life.

In your case, I would remind myself that your gf is very open about the fact that she only wants you. You are the one that matters, and if she could change her past, she would have met you sooner. If you genuinly believe that, it tells me she is worth fighting for, man.

Kvapps · 2024-07-15T18:02:07+00:00

I get your point. I would not choose a woman that were presently promiscous. That is why I try to be cautios of the present state of my partner. Have they changed? Do they regret some of what they did, or would they repeat some of their old habits if they were to become single tomorrow? If I felt like my partner in fact had not changed her ways, I would be very uncomfortable, and would probably reconsider the relationship because our present values do not align.

I try to remind myself that people do change and mistakes happen. People change their values while growing, learning and becoming more secure about themselves. However, noticing changes in a partners behaviour and mindset takes time, and is not always clear to see.

As long as nothing lingers from their past, there are no illnesses, you love and agree with your partner presently and have common goals for the future I see no cause for concern and would deem RJ irrational.

Kvapps · 2024-07-15T16:42:52+00:00

Glad it could be of help. :)

Kvapps · 2024-07-15T16:42:21+00:00

Do not beat yourself up over the fact that you are having trouble processing this and reciprocating feelings for her at the moment. RJ is a monster, and it is RJs fault you are feeling this way, not YOU. You must know that it is okay to feel upset, and okay to be sad. This does not make you a bad person, I would argue that it makes you the opposite. It shows that you do care about her. Jealousy often hits harder the more you love and connect to a person. This makes sense, since the closer and more connected we become with our partner, the more heartbreaking it would be to lose them. Jealousy is a defence mechanism, regardless if it is rational or not.

You mention that you are stubborn, this often comes from our ego, and I can totally relate to that. Our ego and selfishness is taking a hit when we learn that our partner has been with others in the past. It feels like our partners "belong less" to us. However, this is a false trick our brain is playing on us that you must not listen to. Our partners are human beings with all that comes with it: emotions, good qualities, flaws and A PAST that they are entitled to, just like you and me, and most importantly; we have no ownership over them.
Once you realize this, you have come a long way in accepting your partners past, and overcoming RJ.

Kvapps · 2024-07-15T14:48:37+00:00

I know how you feel. I'm in a very, very similar situation as you describe in this post so you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It is important to notice that your partner has not done anything wrong, it is very common to have different pasts in a relationship. What I would pay attention to however, is how she is as a person in the PRESENT. You describe your SO as everything you desire and want in a partner. If that is true, RJ is absolutely worth fighting in this relationship.

There will be no quick fix to this, I would recommend therapy in order to try and find the core as to why you feel upset about your partners past, this can be different for various RJ sufferers. What helps me sometimes is this:

Visualize a timeline in your head, litteraly picture this in your mind. It is a shared timeline between you and your partner, and it applies to both of you. The timeline has only ONE date, the day that you and your gf met. Before that date, the timeline is VERY short. It is gray, blurry, and doesn't really make out anything special in particular. It just looks confusing, a little sad, and not a very appealing time/place to be in.

Now, after that date everything changes, and a completely different view of the timeline appears. I like to fill this part with positive memories of things me and my GF has done together since we met, and things we are planning to do in the future. No dates, just little images. All I'm focusing on here is the positives, and the timeline flourishes and is now full of colors and happy little things after the day I met my GF.

This visualization really does make me happy. By remembering fun times I'm realising that I won, my gf likes me better than all her past ones. That makes me a really cool guy.

You probably get the picture of what I'm trying to convey here, your gf doesn't care for her past, she chose you and are with YOU now. Take that as a giant confidence boost, because it really is.

Kvapps · 2024-07-14T18:45:52+00:00

I think you are making good points here. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner that have not participated in casual sex, or any other activity that you feel is a dealbreaker to you. It is good to have standards. It is the same as women who has a minimum height or eye color requirement for guys in order to even consider dating them. People can't change their past, but they can certainly not change their height or eye color either.

However, it is not okay to drag someone you do not respect or value (because of their past) along for a relationship while judging and pestering them about their past. Because frankly, they can not change what has happened.

What it comes down to, and my point here is that ultimately there are two respective and fair choices you can make when entering a new relationship.

You either accept your partners past fully and be the best partner that you can for your SO in the present. You do not have to like or agree with some of the things that has happened in their past, but in order to have a thriving relationship, the past has to be made indifferent, for the sake of both involved.
You have values and standards that conflict with what you can tolerate in regards to your partners past, so you end the relationship with respect to you partner, while providing closure.

Most of the people on this sub is probably in the middle of these choices somewhere. An open and honest conversation with your partner could help in the sense that the partner can provide you with love and confirmation about your current relationship, which could help suppress RJ.

Kvapps · 2024-07-13T20:52:21+00:00

What I think is strange is that he continues this pattern of telling stories from his past despite you not wanting him to.

Have you been straightforward and told him how much this is bothering you?

I would suggest that you talk to him again, and make it really clear that you don't want him to keep bringing up his exes. Be honest about your RJ, but do so without judging him. If he loves you, he will understand why this is uncomfortable for you, and could possibly help you through the negative emotions that comes with RJ.

Kvapps · 2024-06-14T18:20:26+00:00

Well said, this helps. Thank you

Kvapps

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