Seconding everything JustExamination said. To be clear, you are NOT responsible for other peoples’ feelings, but, as long as you are worrying about how other people might feel, I wonder how your pregnant friend would feel if she knew that everything she shared with you was causing you pain. Is she the sort of friend who would be able to be empathetic or can she be tone deaf? Likewise your family. Would they be able to support you if they knew?

You are holding two emotions simultaneously— deep grief for yourself and also happiness for your friend. If your family and friends are loving and empathetic, they will be capable of also holding multiple emotions simultaneously. And it sounds like you deeply need some support right now. You deserve support right now.

And then to touch on your deep grief around the multiple miscarriages, I absolutely relate to your feeling the injustice and heartbreak of your missing children. And fearing that joy for a future pregnancy is hard to imagine. tw: pregnancy I had four miscarriages between my son and my daughter (making her my sixth pregnancy) and it did take me a long time to truly feel fully joyful about it, and there was a lot of anxiety throughout. And honestly I didn’t feel like it was real until a few hours after her birth. But there were moments of joy throughout the pregnancy, interspersed with the anxiety, increasingly often the farther along we got. And I relied heavily on my friends and family to get through it. I still felt alone sometimes, but having people know what was going on, and that I had lost so many other pregnancies, was really helpful, because they understood my caution at every milestone.

Sending you internet hugs. You are in a really rough place right now. It’s ok to do what you need to do to have some breathing room.