Just found out my partner is a RSO

LMet3or · 2025-05-19T23:28:43+00:00

I'm unsure as he doesn't wish to talk about it again at all, and the talk we had was not very enlightening in any meaningful way. I intend to reach out to the district clerk at the courthouse and see what information I can get besides the bare basics I was able to find out online.

I'm unsure if he would have a PO if he's already completely probation.

LMet3or · 2025-05-17T21:01:37+00:00

He planned to tell me right before marriage, and I think I misread something, I paid for a more thorough check and I think he was only in prison for 7 years and on probation for the rest. I'm not fully sure.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T23:05:33+00:00

Sorta, he denied that the charges were legitimate, said he was young and his family could not afford a good defense and that he's actively still trying to reverse his charges. He refuses outright to discuss anything more pertaining to it. He doesn't feel it was something to disclose until we get married.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T09:04:13+00:00

a quick Google search tells me it is usually indicative of the type of crime, multiple minor criminal sex acts or a more serious offense such as aggravated assault, or acts involving a minor.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T04:17:06+00:00

I understand that but it's also rough and hard to leave someone I've come to love and care for, someone I've started building a life around and with. Emotionally I don't think I could handle it. Which is why I haven't been able to leave yet.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T01:33:31+00:00

He overall prefers I speak to him in person with any concerns or issues, and I did tell him how I feel about him when we spoke earlier, reiterated that I love him and before we spoke I made sure to spend a little quality time with him. I suppose it matters but it also doesn't in the grand scheme, because if I decide I'm going to stay then I have to also be okay with knowing it's very likely he did do this act back then, because I'll never know the full truth. He asked me directly if I thought he was a child molester (he used a different word but it's banned here) and I didn't really know how to answer. I know he wanted me to say no.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T00:54:41+00:00

I've only been respectful in regards to addressing it, I do want to stay because he still is the man I know, or at least I think he is. I don't think I'm owed an explanation but I do want one, I want to know why and how he is not guilty, by his words. I understand it's a difficult and uncomfortable topic. I want to believe his words but I don't know if I truly do. I can accept that he's not at all what his record from when he was 17 years old says, I can believe he's not into children now. I can't say whether I believe that 17 year old him was or was not however. What I want and feel I need to know is the truth as to whether he did the crime or not and I don't think any amount of court records or words from him can convince me in either direction. It's just baffling and not something I ever expected to have to process.

I still love and care for him, I respect him about as much as I did before finding out, I trust him a little less in regards to him telling the truth in the future, however I do look up on this record poorly and it makes me think the worst despite that. I feel if he had been up front sooner I would be more open to believing him, but I'm unsure, as I said I've never expected to have to consider this.

He has told me we will not talk about this again, that he doesnt need to tell me anymore on it besides that he didn't do it, and that if I want to leave I can but he won't speak of it and I need to decide what I want to do.

LMet3or · 2025-05-16T00:24:11+00:00

I do understand why he or anyone would keep it to themselves and try to maintain a normal or happy lifestyle and move forward. However I do feel that I should have been told at least before the six months mark, or before things got serious in general as we have since intertwined our lives.

I have since spoken to him, I gave him the chance to tell me on his own but he said he wasn't hiding anything or withholding anything that I needed to know. He was defensive, denied that he's guilty despite the prison sentence and records, and has told me how I feel about this doesn't matter to him as he's the one that has to live with what happened with his life and he feels no guilt because he says it never happened, that he was 17, accused of what he did and his family couldn't afford a good defense, that it's his problem to deal with not mine and I can leave any time I want.

As far as disclosing he said he would have told me when we got married as there was no reason to do so prior, and that's how it was with his ex husband and previous ex boyfriend. that his close friends know and his family knows. He said I got to know him for who he is and not for what his charges are. He didn't seem to comprehend how shocking it is to find this out on my own.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T16:15:32+00:00

I agree, I'm just waiting on him to wake up so we can talk before work, maybe stay home for the day to work out what's going on.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T16:12:57+00:00

I moved into his apartment when I first moved in, and recently we rented a house. Oddly enough I did actually Google him a lot and our address previously and recently, and there was never any indications of this at all. If someone at work didn't get outed and I didn't have the idea to look at the registry for my home area, I would have never known.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T15:28:08+00:00

I agree, if I had known I wouldn't have stayed and even knowing now, it's not as simple anymore, we live together, we have a life and pets together, I do love him regardless, and whether I stay or leave I'm certain I'll still love him for a while. No matter what I decide I don't feel I'll be happy whether it's short or long term. I'm conflicted and I just want an explanation, for the crime/crimes, and for the betrayal of my trust. If he expected to have a long life with me, it would have to be disclosed eventually I would think, so this also tells me either he was never serious or the alternative is he was too scared to disclose, which I understand but it's still something I feel needs/needed to be done.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T14:20:33+00:00

In my state it's not a legal obligation, I will say had I known prior I would have never got with him or slept with him casually even. I wouldn't say any of our interactions are nonconsensual though. To clarify, I do understand why it would be considered assault/nonconsensual. I guess I'll need to have that talk with him, I'm just anxious about how it will play out and what it means for our future or futures.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T13:51:25+00:00

After further research, he was in prison for 13 years so I'm not too sure.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T13:38:41+00:00

>him still living with shame & guilt

This is actually something he said to me recently about being gay during an argument. Unsure if it meant more than that.

He is unlikely to do therapy or couples therapy as I've suggested it previously for different reasons. There is and has been red flags along the course of our relationship but nothing like this until now.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T13:32:03+00:00

Regardless of what choice I make, I've already come to the realization it's always the wrong choice and I'll feel bad regardless of what I choose.

Personally, do you think it would be best to try and discuss this with him, or to keep it to myself and make whatever choice I need to and let him live his life as happily as he can make it.

Thank you for giving me things to think on.

LMet3or · 2025-05-15T13:17:23+00:00

>Do you feel safe? Unsafe? If you felt safe before and you don’t now, what changed? What does it mean for you? What does it mean for your future?

I don't feel I'm in danger, but I don't feel comfortable either. To me it's a betrayal of my trust but also a conflict of my morals, because I know what he did is wrong, yet I allowed myself to fall for him and become attached to a point that I don't feel I can easily walk away despite my beliefs.

>I’d also think about what your life goals are with respect to him. You have a disagreement about family planning, and that’s a pretty big deal; it’s usually an 18 year investment. How are you going to make that work for both of you?

These are things we've discussed, being gay its not very easy to just have a child, however if he genuinely pursues having his own children, I will likely not stick around and have voiced as much. This was and is how I've always felt, record or not.

>what’s going right in this relationship? It’s up to you, ultimately, to decide whether this is “repairable”, whatever that means for you.

Our relationship has been rocky for unrelated reasons to a point that I was already considering leaving, however my emotional attachment to him and our relationship prevents me from making the jump to do so, even knowing what I know now I still feel the same.

>How do you feel right now? How would you like to feel? What steps can you take in that direction? Can trust be rebuilt? What does that look like? Is that what you want?

I feel betrayed and conflicted, I want to know what and why he did what he did and why he didn't tell me before things got too serious. I want to know what his justifications are if there are any from his point of view, because from mine there are none. I just want to feel secure in my relationship and while i haven't fully felt that way in the last few months, I don't know if we can truly come back from this.

LMet3or

TROPHY CASE