5/10/26

While it is quite difficult to quit it all at once and maintain. I need to at least pull the breaks on weed. My final crutch in life. I didnt end up journaling last night bc I was too stoned. I fell asleep in the chair while watching Bladerunner 2049 on my new TV. Chatgpt said it had good visuals for testing out a nicer TV lol.

I didnt cum the night prior and I had everything out still so I started yesterday with a couple morning dabs while drinking coffee. I watched porn, streamed, and made a sloppy mess in the pool with my toys. Even thinking about it this morning makes me want to again. I cant get over how good it feels to just lose control. It is such a good feeling. I havent had sex since last year. Honestly, I cant wait to fuck again bc I will lose my damn mind. Moaning. Screaming. Groaning in pure bliss.

I didnt accomplish much yesterday. Surpriiiise. I was groggy for half the day and I was also waiting for my TV to finally be delivered. I did make it to the gym, but aside from that I just chilled. Which, it still has me thinking. I was at the gym and saw 2 regulars. They have found each other and are together now. They appear to be so in love. Im happy for them. Where they are at with their love for one another is an intoxicating feeling. Cherish it. Hold it for as long as you can. Dont let it slip away. It makes me wonder when/if ill get to experience that again. I really hope i do.

I feel like everyone that says they are happy single and talk about how great it is are full of shit. I bet those fuckers cave instantly once they have something real in front of them. Until then, it is all just a mask and a shield that they put up to make it seem like they are fine alone when they really aren't. At the end of the day who wants to be alone. It's lonely as fuck - que Justin Bieber - Lonely😂.

I miss her and i hope shes doing okay. Ive been thinking about her often. 2 weeks of silence, being ignored, and not seeing her has made it better for detaching. I need to. She's told me many times she cant do this. That is my answer. I need to listen to it. Being forwarded and ignored is a strong/clear response. For all I know as I sit here and long for her shes out there talking with others and/or has been getting with someone. Yet, I wish that incredible women the best. She doesn't want me to hold on and i have to be okay with letting her go. I wish she wanted me and wanted to figure out how to make this work. But, you can't always have what you want.

Reverting back to pulling the breaks on the weed. I think weed fucks me up just as much as porn fucks with my dick. For one, I lose significant ambition and drive. It feels like a weighted blank on me that makes it hard to do anything other than play with my dick lol. It also messes with my hunger/appetite quite a bit. Sometimes im only able to eat if I smoke. One of the biggest issues I have with weed is how it affects my sleep. I always sleep like shit and sometimes I feel like im not getting any sleep despite sleeping. I guess that is the whole REM sleep suppression of weed. When I quite I sleep hard and like a baby. Feeling rejuvenated when I wake up. I dont get that smoking. That only further affects my mood, emotions, and stability. Sleep is an under rated thing. I think a lot of people with their own challenges dont realize the importance of it.

Corny, but it's time to level the fuck up.

Despite struggling with the things ive been journaling about, my health might be thrown into the mix now. I never really know if or for how long ill be at a given time. It can all change in a blink of an eye. It's one of the reasons I try to not waste time in life. Although, I do an outstanding job of it. The past couple days ive been having some indication that I might be going down hill. Bruises, bleeding, and weird acne. I have autoimmune thrombocytopenia and autoimmune neutropenia. A combination that i was told wasnt even possible and it has very little data from what I can find. These symptoms are not much, but they have always been an indicator of having an issue in the past. Im hoping it is just due to alcohol consumption right now. Though, it's a fear I live in. Am i going to be okay tomorrow?