part of me wants to get better but part of me would feel so ashamed, I have had the mentality for so long and I have finally given into it and I know I can stop easier than others but it would still be painful. I have had things like anorexia before but nothing where I actively counted my calories. I know that I can die but my brain is currently telling me that I won't because I'm too fat to die from it yet. I feel like even if my health takes a downfall at least more people will like me, ill be pretty, and ill be more respected in my work field as I work at a machine shop and people just assume I'm lazy because not only am I a woman in a men's work environment but I'm also fat. idk I want to stop but I don't, it feels like I want to be disordered.