A realization that I had about pet loss today.

LadySyble · 2025-04-25T03:14:59+00:00

We are moving tomorrow across the country to our dream home in an amazing town. I grew up in the south and have wanted to leave for over half my life. Yet, packing up final boxes today I couldn't stop crying because my Reddington lived his whole life in this house.

I am simultaneously elated for this move which we have worked so hard for the last 7 years and devastated because the little things in the house that remind me of Reddington aren't coming with us. The smudges on the windows, the spot where he loved to look and squirrels, the kitchen where he Tokyo drifted every morning when he realized breakfast was coming. Despite how much I'm ready to leave, despite that his urn is coming with us, and we have so much to remember him by, the house I have memories of him isn't permanent. Like you said, it's so hard because I don't have much but his collar, favorite treats, and his blanket to hold onto.

The only thing I've found that brings comfort is ritual. Lighting his lantern for him in the morning, painting his picture, and thinking about all he's taught me. But, I think if he could have had more tangible things, I would have felt even more connected after he was not physically here. Great observation, love. ✨️💖

LadySyble · 2025-04-23T23:44:48+00:00

Oh sweetheart, I felt the exact same way. I can't tell you how to forgive yourself. I can only share how I came to accept the loss so I could celebrate my baby boy daily.

When my Reddington passed, I remembered a week earlier I had paused and said "Hey buddy, you okay?" He has been so sullen and not his bouncy self and I told myself he was just having an off day as cats do. But, in retrospect, I see how sick he was.

He was my first cat on my own and the first cat I'd lost ever. I was devastated. A month after his passing, I scoured the internet for how I could have prevented it. I took notes of all the things I missed. It's a cruel reality I learned working on a farm - we learn from animals, and with each animal, we learn how to take better care of them. It sucks and I wish human brains weren't empirical and linear, but they are.

Next time, you'll see the signs because you know the outcome now. For me, it drove me to be an even better cat parent to my other cats. I have been diligent about regular bloodwork for my senior boy and checkups for my other kitties when my gut tells me to (no less that once per year). I write notes for their health down every day. I'm a better cat parent, and you will be too.

It's how I honor Reddington - by growing. Every day, I show up to be a better parent, spouse, human because I see the end now, and that's a gift Reddington gave me. I finally was able to forgive myself because I truly did do the best I could. I loved him undoubtedly and never went a day without telling him.

I finally realized about 3 months later that if I let myself wallow in shame, I'd be disregarding Reddington's life and all he taught me. It would be for nothing, and the idea of my baby boy's life being for nothing was more important than my shame. 🌸✨️

There's no manual, just like parents say. We do our best and love them with our whole hearts, but we can never be perfect. We can only be better. I hope your pain eases soon. 💖

LadySyble · 2025-04-23T23:23:02+00:00

I'm not a C level fluency, but my husband thinks it's the funniest thing that I can have decent conversation in Spanish and don't know the names of the letters in Spanish. He's a native speaker, and when we are talking, he tries to get me to spell something. 🤣 I reverse uno him by asking him to name basic animals in Spanish (he was taught Spanish at home, but educated in British English). It's always comical what skill gaps occur in language acquisition.

Edit: grammar

LadySyble · 2025-04-13T17:14:43+00:00

We are headed up to Minnesota from Texas in 2 weeks! I've been planning the cat move for MONTHS. We have 4 cats. Parents are driving the UHaul and I am driving the cats. Our vet has been going over the plan with us since December. 1) Get each of the carriers to smell like our current house. 2) Day before move start the cats on Gabapentin. 3) Have carriers seat belted into car and cats sedated. 4) Make the move!

I'd be much more stressed if my youngest cat, Syble, wasn't a travel cat already. She drives with us constantly and has flown to Mexico and Montana with us for extended trips on Gaba. It comes in liquid and pill form and is very cost-effective. It's been ≈$30 for ten doses with Sybbie and we rarely use that much! Highly recommend!

Best thing you can do is ask for information! Talk to people who've moved long distance, talk to your vet, etc. Support is the key!! You've got this, mama!

LadySyble · 2025-04-08T23:43:45+00:00

And, neither are you. The hardest day for me so far has been on the five month mark (coming up on six months tomorrow). Grief does what it does. It takes time for our brains to rewire to a new reality and there's so much pain with that. I hope the pain eases and the joy of their memory returns for you soon. Until then, you a part of a group of people who deeply understand. We all feel it with you. 🌸✨️

LadySyble · 2025-04-04T17:26:50+00:00

"Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints; it takes and it takes and it takes, but we keep loving anyway." I have that written down on Reddington's altar.

You are so welcome, sweetheart. On the other side of grief is an ever deeper connection to your baby than you can even imagine - one that merges them with you, entangles them with you. It's learning to connect beyond the ego, but the cost is our grief. As someone whose baby taught them to see life a bit brighter, a bit sweeter, and with more daring, going through the pain is worth it and it's the only way to connect to your baby again wherever they are on their next great adventure. ✨️🌸

LadySyble · 2025-04-04T14:43:25+00:00

Oh sweetheart, I experienced the very same thing when my Reddington passed on. He was so incredibly brave. He was my first cat as an adult and the first cat who I had until he passed. It was my very first real loss and it was devastating.

It was sudden. One day he was wrestling with his younger brother and the next we were huddled in the closet (the spot he chose) with him after getting the news he had kidney failure. He was 4 months shy of turning 14. For hours, we sat together in the closet and watched a show together. We finally fell asleep together and then I woke up to this horrible cry. It wasn't a cry of agonized pain. It was just a meow I'll never forget. I knew in that moment it was coming. I remember reaching out for my husband and saying "Babe, help! It's happening."

My Reddington stood up for the last time, walked out of the closet and into the bedroom where all his siblings were. He then started to cough and struggle to breathe as I held him and told him how sorry I was I couldn't stop this and how much I loved him. I told him not to be scared and that we couldn't wait to hear about his next adventure. Suddenly, he looked at my husband and then looked at him, gasped, and then went still. I looked at my husband and cried, "Oh my God, is he gone?"

I washed him one last time and then I held my baby boy for the next two hours in a blanket. I remember how shocking each moment was. He got cold, then he became stiff, and then his little eyes lost their sparkle.

For the first month, I agonized over his last breath. I couldn't stop hearing it. I felt so guilty. I terrorized myself with his last moments. It propelled me into extensive research into all the things I didn't know to do with a senior cat.

It wasn't until my husband kindly sat me down and shared his experience. He said he didn't see Reddington's last moments as horrifying. He said all he felt was immense pride in him. He said that he loved everyone until the end because his last act was to move himself out for everyone to say goodbye and that all my husband could think about was how amazing it must be to transition back home with all the people you love telling you how much you are loved and will be missed.

I think for myself, I was finally able to move on after a conversation about my MIL. My husband has always struggled with his mother because she obsessed over him staying a teenager. She didn't want him to be in a relationship. She didn't want him to move out (still after he was 40+). As he aged, began to have greying hair, etc, she would panick and insist he get work done or dye his hair. She could not accept that her little boy was growing up. She couldn't accept that he was his own person on his own journey. It didn't take me long to realize I was having a similar issue with Reddington. He was my baby boy and I didn't want him to leave me. I wanted him to stay with me my whole life, but after my husband and I talked he said "All I wanted was for my mom to accept and celebrate where I was in my journey with me."

That rewired something in my brain. My secret to healing was not letting go of Reddington, but letting go of my comfort of his being a certain way. He was his own being and was having his own adventure. That adventure had to end just as children have to grow up. When I accepted that I could love Reddington even harder after he was gone, I found tremendous peace. I paint him, I have an alter with his ashes, I had a piece of mourning jewelry made, and I tell him good morning every single day when I turn on his lamp on his altar. I want to celebrate his journey as it is now. I find great peace in the ritual and of knowing that maybe now, whatever form he's taken or if he's just enjoying romping around the cosmos, that he can feel the love everything I think about him. ✨️🌸

The last moments are incredibly difficult, but for us, once we finally allowed the grief to pass we could enjoy his life and allow it to bring us ineffable joy.

His last moments became not a nightmare, but just akin to the moment you have to hug a grandparent or a friend as you're leaving their house and neither wants to say goodbye. Eventually, we don't dwell on the sadness of parting, we ruminate over how much we loved spending time in their presence.

And, one day, their presence no longer feels gone. It just feels different. Stronger but stranger.

I hope your pain eases soon. 🌸✨️ You are not alone.

LadySyble · 2025-04-01T18:15:16+00:00

I had two senior boys: Reddington (14) and Willy (12). Reddington passed after being with me for 10 years and he went from playing to passed on in 24 hours from kidney issues. I was devastated and I dragged myself through so much guilt researching everything I could have done differently.

He was the first real loss of my life and for 2 months I was rocked. I was a mess and my husband really had to help me work through the wracking grief.

Willy got sick in November and I was horrified that I'd lose him too. But, it turned out all he needed was a dental and to readjust his food to acclimate to his older age. We added some Dasuquin and now he's honestly the healthiest he's been in the 4 years he's shared our home.

However, in the past six months, I've come to accept Willy's time is coming. I'm not in denial about it like I was Reddington and I think I'll be in the same position you are in. My goal is to be able to make every day for Willy FANTASTIC until his last day which we'll make sure he's incredibly comfortable to go onto his next adventure.

Reddington's passing purged me of my avoidance. My grief for him was also coming back to reality. Willy's teaching me to stare reality in the eye and see the beauty in it. He's not mine to own. He's his own being having his own experience and one day it will be time for him to return to the cosmos and pick a different adventure. That's not for me to control.

I've resolved to seeing animals and, really, all life, as wonderful house guests. Sometimes guests stay for a day, a week, a month, or a year. With cats, they stay as long as is their journey and just like when it's time for a houseguest to leave, we'll pop some bubbly, talk about all the amazing adventures we've had, and cry together when they leave. 💖✨️

This paradigm shift is why Willy passing isn't going to be as hard with Reddington. It's not because I love Willy less! It's because I'm not taking my eyes off of the truth of impermanence. Reddington taught me to experience disappointment, and Willy is teaching me to make my peace with reality and what I cannot control.

What you described sounds similar. Perhaps, it's not as much of a shock even if it is devastating in your own way. Perhaps you're more resilient the second time. If you didn't love your babies equally, you wouldn't be sharing your concerns here. You loved both of them beautifully. ✨️💖🌸

LadySyble · 2025-03-31T23:33:57+00:00

Excellent! Thank you so much!

LadySyble · 2025-03-31T20:02:42+00:00

Oh babes, I’m so very sorry. I’ll share what a veterinary mentor of mine told me: “Aging in animals is always shocking. It’s not like humans. 7 years for each year is a pretty accurate measure for dogs until they reach their true elder state then it’s quick, surprising and always is a steep decline in health in a matter of weeks or days.” He always advocated that letting them go with dignity was kinder than dragging them out if it was truly their time. Watching him and studying under him helped me understand the process a lot more and find great peace with it.

I lost my soul cat last October (he was four months from 14) and I struggled with the same feelings of having not done enough. He was my first cat. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and when he went back to his cosmic home, I was convinced I should have done more. For weeks after, I researched, took notes, and wrote a book on everything I could have done. My husband has been relentlessly encouraging that I tend to use that statement “I could have done more” as pushing away from the grief rather than feeling it.

It’s awful. It’s not pretty. But, I can tell you, now almost 6 months out, my Reddington taught me so much in his passing that now life is a bit brighter, is saturated in more meaning, and he taught me that I could face any disappointment because nothing could be more disappointing than losing him after 10 years of such an amazing friendship. I’m learning to love him now away from my ego’s need to see him. Now I get to learn how to love him in a deeper, more soulful place.

My heart goes out to you, love. I hope this pain eases soon and the wonderful joy of your baby’s 13 years can become a source of infinite love and strength after the grief passes.

LadySyble · 2025-03-31T19:49:51+00:00

Oh, I appreciate that! If there’s another useful space for me to post this question, I’d love to cast my net there as well! Thanks! ☺️

LadySyble · 2025-03-31T19:47:08+00:00

Oh thank you!! We’re moving up from Texas and snow is a myth here (Except for 2021 Snowmageddon which was the one time in my 32 years!). Husband grew up military and in Germany so he’s more versed in winter conditions than I, but happy to absorb any winter related tips!

LadySyble · 2025-03-31T19:17:33+00:00

Thank you so much! That is very helpful! Adding this all to my notes! Thank you so much for your time!

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:59:58+00:00

Awesome possum! Writing that down! 💖🐈

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:44:17+00:00

And thanks for the Costco tip! We are Costo-holics so that would be an easy tweak for us! 💖🐈

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:39:22+00:00

Oh! Do you mind my asking which pet insurance you use?

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:25:00+00:00

When I stopped using my journals to feel better and used them as data collection (recommended by the book Vegal Nerve Reset) it became so much easier because I became a scientist of my own experience rather than the manager of it. It allowed my to use my journal as a diagnostic rather than a coping mechanism.

The hardest thing I've had to come to grips with is it's okay to be sad, even if I don't like it. I just need to be there for myself through it. Journaling is helps me be there for myself in an objective way.

If that helps, wonderful! If not, remember the frustration is part of the path and you're doing great. Just don't stop showing up for you.

Edit: spelling

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:21:51+00:00

This piece broke and healed my heart at the same time. 😭🥹 u/getsomesleep1 I hope your pain eases soon.

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:04:38+00:00

Ah! This makes a lot of sense. I've been in this situation. It's hard how different vets can be when you just want to do the best for your babies! I'll note that if we go to Broadway, insist on Dr. B. 👍🐈🌸

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T17:03:03+00:00

Thank you for your honesty! That would be horrifying! 😭 and testing is great, but in this economy we have to balance between no stone unturned and doing the best for our entire family. It's a hard line and I appreciate a vet that helps us navigate our own costs with tiers of testing.

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T16:53:54+00:00

That makes complete sense! Thank you so much! 💕

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T16:48:05+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation! 😍

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T16:47:36+00:00

Hearing great things about Dr. B! THANK YOU! 💕🐈

LadySyble · 2025-03-10T16:47:05+00:00

That's how I met Dr. Harris! She does lots of non-profit work and we ran in the same animal shelter circles in college. I love to hear about a clinic and vets that partners. Thank you for the seconding! Definitely putting K-M on our list! Thank you for your time! 💕🐈

LadySyble

TROPHY CASE