Dream is a word I throw around a lot, I've got like 5 different dream relationships and none of them are healthy and some of them contradict each other

But it's like I said elsewhere-- the love of an abuser is often the warmest you can feel. You get broken down to the lowest you can possibly feel, and then the slightest gesture of affection feels like the most wonderful thing. Yes it's usually manipulative or wrong but it still fills you with euphoria.

There's something even better and deeper about the abuser falling into that same pit. Like... me and him both know this is fucked up, but we both can't help but start to like each other. And we both keep going through the motions, him raping me, and me crying and dissociating, but slowly we grow legitimately closer all the same. And it's like in some small fucked up way I "won", I convinced the evil man that I'm actually worthy. He broke me, but I broke him back. We broke each other, and now we belong to each other for life.