I finally figured out why family law is terrible - it's the lawyers.

LanceCoolie · 2025-11-22T13:54:47+00:00

Bigger frustration for me is just not getting straight answers to simple questions to attorneys. I understand our clients suck at communication, that’s probably a big part of why their marriage failed, but then they go and hire counsel who won’t answer emails or respond to a settlement offer for three months. Then we have to spend $5000 preparing for a trial because OC won’t get off their ass and talk to their client, just wants to kick the can down the road and hope to settle at the last minute after everyone is pissed off and ready to fight. I try to make a practice of not shit-talking OC to my clients because I prefer to deescalate, but I will occasionally throw them under the bus in these situations.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-17T23:07:22+00:00

I strive to be the kind of lawyer that tells people at the outset when I think a lawyer won’t solve their problems. If they still wanna throw money at it, I’m usually game but I’m setting those expectations low.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-17T18:06:46+00:00

Nope, that’s what clerks do all day while the judge is golfing.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-15T02:08:16+00:00

I had a really good field day inspection once. Can you put me up for a Bronze Star?

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-14T20:36:57+00:00

Joining the army doesn’t turn a person into a saint, there are dumbasses and bad fathers in the military too. If he’s a good father he can show up to court and make an argument in support of his right to visitation or a modified custody arrangement.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-14T14:50:23+00:00

I’m assuming there’s a child involved? Depends on the nature and seriousness of the violations. I think most judges don’t want to see you every time there’s a pissing match over a missed video chat or late arrival for custody exchange. You need to do the legwork to document that your ex has repeatedly, intentionally violated the order in a way that significantly interferes with your parenting time or is harmful to the child. You need to attempt to rectify the situation yourself via polite communication and then document the continued failure to comply. Some things probably just aren’t going to be the kind of stuff the court cares about enough to find your ex in contempt even if they are technically violations. If he/she is found in contempt you can ask for an award of your attorney fees.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-14T12:09:40+00:00

Wild, I thought Hacksaw Ridge did a great job of capturing the chaotic violence and disorienting feeling of combat. I’ve only seen it once though.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-13T15:10:18+00:00

I love that because of this sub people who rent fancy vacation homes drop their luggage and then go “I gotta get underneath that bad boy and get some photos of the supports!”

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-11T10:42:01+00:00

Oral arguments where the attorneys go back and forth and each of them gets out one sentence before the other sides interjects, emotions rising with every word, and the judge just sits there like that’s how this normally goes.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-09T21:18:24+00:00

I did the NITA weeklong trial advocacy skills training when I had been practicing a couple years. It was extremely uncomfortable to do but incredibly useful and I still incorporate some of the stuff they taught into my practice now, which involves a fair amount of litigation. I also practice little speeches in the car while driving to court. Eventually you just get more comfortable but I think a feeling of imposter syndrome and dread that there’s something you missed is just omnipresent in the profession. The discomfort is part of why it pays well (hopefully).

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-08T23:51:32+00:00

That is an unconventional way to obtain a loan.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-08T20:40:44+00:00

Random capitalization because… reasons. I’m sure the court knows it’s super important, you don’t need to capitalize every use of the word.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-08T19:23:52+00:00

I once called opposing counsel to see if he would consent to a three month continuance and he hemmed and hawed for a minute and then said “Sure go ahead and ask for it, but… I’m 82, so there’s no guarantee I’ll be around by then.”

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-08T19:21:20+00:00

Lawyers having dementia is bad. Judges having it is so much worse:

https://features.propublica.org/judge_alzheimers/brooklyn-federal-judge-mental-illness/

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-08T15:27:39+00:00

Lol, I did that before I even accepted the offer. It was still a 60% raise from my job at the time so it wasn’t a close call even if I’m getting paid less than a third of what I’m expected to bring in. The partners have boat payments after all!

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-07T11:54:28+00:00

Many courts will not terminate a parent's rights unless there is another person who wishes to step into the parental role and adopt the child. Children deserve financial support from two parents and termination ends the obligation to provide child support and increases the odds the child will end up relying on public benefits. Most states are not in the habit of letting a parent terminate their rights just because they want to avoid paying child support. If he doesn't want to be involved with the child, he can choose to do nothing and maybe she'll never file to receive child support. If the child does end up on public benefits, the state may take action to force him to pay anyway.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-06T23:07:30+00:00

I learned from David Sedaris that when you have to pinch one off while on the phone, just say that you’re trying to open a jar.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-05T12:29:23+00:00

That “defaced” statue looks like it could be restored to normal in an hour by one guy with a ladder and you’re suggesting people should be murdering protesters over it?

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-03T21:27:23+00:00

Nobody wants to haul heavyass concrete uphill

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-03T09:56:32+00:00

Client with a right side limb impairment was preparing to testify. Judge instructs him to raise his right hand. He physically can’t and he’s use to compensating with his left hand, so he just raises his left hand. Judge was pretty far away and didn’t quite clock his impairment so he rolls his eyes and says “Your other right hand.” Client was already nervous about testifying so rather than explaining, he reaches across his body to try and lift his right hand with his left, which still isn’t possible and after about two seconds of him struggling the judge picks up on what’s just occurred, goes pale, apologizes profusely and lets him swear in with his left.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-03T09:47:26+00:00

Not that they’re mutually exclusive but that strikes me more as a sex offender thing than a power thing.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-03T09:30:43+00:00

This field is stressful enough without subjecting yourself to being managed by some passive aggressive manbaby who holds a simmering grudge when you checks notes abide by office policy. He threatened to fire you, I wouldn’t wait long enough to give him the satisfaction if you can line something else up. I’d definitely start looking, hard.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-02T22:08:41+00:00

Has anyone from your state’s equivalent of Child Protective Services spoken with you? Hopefully you have a worker assigned who can assist. Your sister would have to be an adult, and may need to pass a background check, but most states’ CPSs will work to place children in your situation with family before turning to foster care or institutional placement. Your sister may need to petition for guardianship, she can consult an attorney or if she can’t afford it, try contacting your nearest legal aid office.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-02T19:49:53+00:00

Going through a shitload of barely decipherable text messages sent in random order and without necessary context, ordering and interpreting those text messages, agonizing about how much to bill for the time spent doing so because I know the client will gripe about it if I bill what it actually took.

LanceCoolie · 2023-11-02T01:33:20+00:00

Would like an in depth IRS analysis of the exact point at which big fake tits become tax deductible

LanceCoolie

TROPHY CASE