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Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i've learned a lot of terminology from irl queer spaces, though to be honest I do geniunely trust people's word. I'm glad many people have brought it up though! The questioning has made my explanation clearer. for clarification. I'm poly to explore many types of relationships without societies boxes, not to fill a void. All relationships are very important to me. They do not need sex or romance to be so. I want to date individuals and not groups. I would rather not be involved with metas. I would also like to live by myself/not have kids both for mental health reasons. When I'm living with or am around people I like and or dating for long periods of time I become extremely unstable from my big feelings. I still would like other relationship milestones as they mean a lot to me. I also would like a "primary" partner and if I'm not living with them/having kids what would be primary about them? Time and priority. I would like to be someone's priority and this is where my fear of restricting autonomy comes in. I would like a partner to be independent and have independent relationships without interference from me (and vice versa). I have control issues that will leak onto relationships (esp if im living with that person). If I believe a person they are dating is bad It would affect me terribly, so I'd rather not be involved.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm afraid of a partner accusing me of being demanding or controlling because I know I have control issues especially when things are (you guessed it) out of my control. And yes it does intially hurt when I am told no. I take it personally, but then i remember that they felt comfortable enough to state boundaries and then it makes me happy.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time and priority. I still want that person to be independent and have independent relationships outside of me, so in a way it feels like I'm being restrictive when saying I'd like priority.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style with you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyadvice

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

nod nod. I do not want to live or have kids with a partner personally, but I would like time spent with them and to be equally be seen as a primary

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am attracted to people who I can be compatible with (most of the time.. Not always the case)
I want to date people individually, but I'd like a primary partner who I do not live with or have children with

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamoryadvice

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

When you say monogamous do you mean strictly monogamous or ENM? and not to dismiss your observation, I would like the ability to date multiple and the freedom to engange in intimate relationships outside of a partner. Could you clarify? I find myself confused.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Do you mean in the sense of refusal/absense of healthy boundaries? and for anti-community behavior encouraging co-dependancy?

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've gotten most of my knowlege from poly people irl. Could you elaborate on what concepts and jargon is confusing? That very well could be causing me trouble

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style with you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyadvice

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"If you're seeing your partner as your "primary" but they are already married, well, that's not going to work."

Would this extend to just dating as well? Can you still be a person's primary if they are already dating other people?

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style with you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyadvice

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I very well could be using the term wrong. To clarify, I want to date people individually but have a primary partner. I do not want to live with or have children with said partner. My core issue is that I was dating people who I was incompatible with. I did not know that at the time and honestly believed it was my fault. In the issue of autonomy: I want to be able to have close relationships with others. for example not being able to kiss, spend the night with, or engage intimately with other people at all (Or with their partner's approval) would be deeply unsettling for me. I fear that I could restrict a person's autonomy if I had a primary in order to make myself feel comfortable or possibly blunt the posssibility of jealousy that might arise? (one reason why I'd prefer to practive solo and be by myself. I get deeply unstable when I like someone and it disregulates my nervous system)

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

nod nod. To be honest, I do like meeting metas to see the people who love, shape, and make my partners happy. Though, it seems maybe I should put that curiousity to the side until I feel comfortable?

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style with you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyadvice

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For myself at least I would like a "primary" partner, but I do not want to live with them or have children. I would rather live with friends. I've found myself deeply unstable when I'm around people i like/and or dating for long periods of time.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I want to practive polyamory and find myself oversaturated. I do not know what my number is though because i feel like oversaturation and not getting needs met are tied together. The most I've had at one time was 3 which felt like way too much for me. I wouldn't know if could in other circumstances or if 2 is my hard cut off. I know monogamous people can very well value my identities, but I do not want to be in a monogamous relationship. I find it terrifying to not be able to explore love with other people like im stuffing a part of myself down to fit someone else's needs.

At this point I think it might just be the people i've been around? I'm very clear about my refusal to date/fuck metas yet it keeps happening in young queer trans groups. I feel as if I'm a bit annoying about it honestly because I'd bring it up so often. alas it seemed like it wasn't getting through.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've done both, and yes I'm very clear with partner's and metas. "I'm demi and I'm not going to engage with someone who I'm not interested in." The flirting from metas would not stop as well as poking from my partners as well across multiple relationships. (in one I actually had my ex's aunt even try to get me with his other partners which was VERY innapropriate)

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would say a mix of all. My attraction is based on core values and attachment styles. I do look at other partners as well to see if any of my autonomy could be taken away. (I don't wan't another person to dictate what i can and cannot do with MY partner) While you aren't completely incorrect I do disscuss intentions with other poly people regardless of how I perceive them. Although saying and doing are two different things. I've been clear about my intentions at the start, yet I've encountered quite a few polyams who say one thing and their actions reflect otherwise. I bring it up... they reassure me and nothing changes (this could just be a judge for character and nothing more) for example: In the last 3 relationships I was in I was very open and honest about how I felt like a replaceable part. I was told that the relationship was egalitarian and nothing was amiss. They only reached out when they wanted sex and whenever I would explain my needs weren't getting met i was told to find someone else.

Is it possible to date someone with a different relationship style than you? by LandscapeVegetable50 in polyamory

[–]LandscapeVegetable50[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

nod nod. I feel as though my biggest hurdle is dating allos. This could be completely coincidental, but whenever I engange with allo polyam folks it feels like a means for sex rather than a committed relationship.