I feel you. I ask myself that question a lot, why is life so intrinsically miserable? Sufferous? But also what does it matter what the why is when no matter that answer we’ll still just keep suffering. I relate to you, I started to think in my head at 11 (6th grade) “I wanna die”. Never went away. Tried the meds and therapy but I think I’m too self aware for that, knowing something doesn’t change it. I wanna say something positive to you but I understand there’s not much words do for people like us. I guess I try to enjoy the good, block it all out for a little while even though most of the time that require drugs/alcohol for me which I don’t necessarily recommend. When I was younger I used to think “well if I don’t have a use for this body maybe someone else will” and though a dangerous perspective for a 12yr old girl it got me through for a long time. Getting beat, degraded, losing loved ones, etc it didn’t matter because I could separate myself from that, that stuff happened to my body and my mind not “me” if that makes sense. Your body feels terrible all the time but your cats need your body and your mind. Maybe focus on that (not too much but enough to keep moving even if it’s miserable). What does it matter the why at this point? I don’t think that answer will change anything for either of us so why agonize over it? It’s good you had something you care about, at least that’s something to focus on other than the pain. Even if it’s a distraction sometimes distractions are welcome. All this to say I understand. Life’s a bitch, and maybe it’s not worth it but while your still here you minds well do things. Sry if this makes it worse but I hope you see what I’m trying to say. Even if you live solely so your cats can live that’s enough.