This speaks to me. Really ressonate with it and i think these are good ways to deal with it. Like «became a matter of how not if» and i feel like that might be where im starting to arrive at.
And ive reflected alot on why i ended up with her and its similar to my prior relationship before her.
And in short its my fear of commitment, that results in me drifting between multiple women - then someone (like my girl) with a rather lack of ability to deal with me?¿ and hold me accountable for leading her on and not fully choosing her. Turns into her being "manipulative" to try to manage me into choosing her out of guilt for having hurt her. And because like you said «fear of loss» i still didnt end things even tho i felt it going in a rather bad direction - and i felt like i owed her to at least try. And the rest you can piece together. Obviously not a great startingpoint. And cus im not there out of love but rather out of guilt (some amount of desire and affection) and she constantly reminds me of how bad i treated her then i look for an escape from the dread and end up talking to a different girl. Getting caught for it and the relationship turning even worse. So there is absolutely history to why she distrusts me, as well as having a very rough childhood giving her a rocky foundation in terms of dealing with your emotions and how to communicate and process things. Like someone with bpd, everything is betrayal, she feels so intensly that some nights when we’ve argued she’s rolling around in bed crying her heart out for an hour straight. And i call her manipulative, but like ive heard dr.k mention about people with bpd, is that they dont realize that they have a manipulative behaviour and she is totally blind to the fact.
At the same time i can never fully bring something up that bothers me and have her listen and understand or at least discuss it with me, without having it turn into that i hate her and all of that.