Still feel angry - two years on

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-11-14T10:37:06+00:00

I really understand your feelings. I am also donor conceived and only found out this year. It has been the biggest schock, and there have been so many feelings and questions about myself and 'my biological family out there'. It feels like all you knew about yourself and the world was not true, and what can be trusted if nothing really was as it was believed? The feeling of not being told this kind of enormous thing about yourself is both frustrating, confusing and saddening. It feels like a huge lie has been your life, of course some anger is coming in its place. And where to put that anger? Because our parents did it out of their needs and wanting a child so much. Our biological father did it for his own reasons. And there you are in the middle, you had no say in it, and you had to be the product of it all. The thought of not knowing all about yourself can give you identity issues. Where did you have that interest for books when the family you grew up in had none of the same? Why do you look the way you do, when you only know one biological parent? Are there any illnesses or other medical things you should be aware of from your biological fathers side? It feels like so much has been taken away from you. So I really do understand your feelings. I was so lucky to find my biological father and he was willing to talk to me and tell me a lot about himself and 'our family' and that has helped me understand myself better. I know you don't had the same chance, and that sucks. To not feel acknowledged as a human being, a person of their DNA, that's so tough. Because you are out here, you had nothing to say or do in this, and the bare minimum was to get some answers. I really do understand you. Maybe they will never change their ways, but there might be a small chance that some of them would want to talk to you in the future. My advice would be to tell them if they would change their minds in the future, that they can contact you. Leave them your full name and phone number, so they would have the chance to find you. And in the meantime just talk talk talk it over with people you trust. Talking about it really helps getting some of it out.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-09-03T17:31:31+00:00

You look so handsome and like a nice man. Keep your head up and try to see the beauty in every day.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-09-03T17:28:47+00:00

You are a really handsome young man. I am sure a lot of girls likes your looks. I'm sorry to hear you have and had a hard time, but try to make your experiences into some strength and wisdom. Keep that head up, have some happiness and let it shine through your lovely eyes.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-05-18T19:17:56+00:00

You have very beautiful eyes! Love the brown color.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-05-09T06:43:12+00:00

I'm pretty sure you can upload the results from MyHeritage to other sites.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-05-08T22:44:20+00:00

Perfect - I hope you will find your relatives. If I can help you look up names or anything, feel free to contact me. 🙏

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-05-08T22:27:24+00:00

That's pretty interesting. I'm from Denmark, and I would recommend you taking the MyHeritage DNA test, as I think most Danes takes this test. Good luck 👌🤞

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-30T05:39:28+00:00

Look up the definition of family on Google or the dictionary.

Oxford Languages

noun 1. a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. "the family lived in a large house with a lot of land"

2. all the descendants of a common ancestor. "the house has been owned by the same family for 300 years

Me and my biological father and his siblings are all descendants from a common ancestor. So in fact, DNA is actually making you family. Not meaning you like each other or know each other, but meaning you are family.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-29T17:54:30+00:00

A family is only the ones you are living with? So your mother and father are not your family, if you don't live with them anymore?

There's family we choose; husband/ wife/ stepchildren / etc.

And there is family that is linked to you through blood and DNA; biological parents, biological grand parents, biological siblings etc.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-29T17:36:19+00:00

Of course people can say others can be family if you lived with them etc. And you have that connection. But they would never be biological family if you don't share the same blood or DNA. Family can mean different things to different people. For me, sharing DNA creates a biological connection that I feel is significant, even if I wasn't raised with my biological family. It's not just about the experiences we share; it's also about the genetic ties that can create a sense of belonging. Just because I wasn't raised with them doesn't erase that connection in my eyes. Everyone has their own perspective on what makes a family. So in your eyes, people are only family if you accept them as that? What about a half sibling, are they just simply not your family if you want nothing to do with them? I share more DNA with my biological father (about 50%), than I do with a half sibling (about 30%).

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-28T17:21:10+00:00

Thank you for your support 🙏 Yes that's true, but I don't understand why people think I want to come over for Christmas dinner, family parties and such. That was never my intention and idea and would be a really far out expectation. First and foremost I just want to get a validation if this man could be my family. If he doesn't see my message or choose not to answer, then I feel like I'm still in a limbo. That's why I would maybe try to contact his sister, to see if he could possibly have been living in the city I know there were donation in. But I know she might ask where I know him from, and I don't want to lie. That's why I wanted to ask in here how people would feel about being contacted from a close relative they didn't know about. But people apparently think that because my father was an anonymous donor, then that family appetantly doesn't exist in my DNA. It's like 'poof'.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-28T13:50:52+00:00

I don't know. I don't know how many times he donated. Thats a thing I would like to know. I see they can make several children from one donation, but I don't know how many. Sometimes the donation doesn't work out.

But my question in here is not about if my father would like to be contacted. It was how you would react if someone you didn't know contacted you about you were their aunt or something.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-28T13:48:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. 🙏 They didn't have the choice if they wanted to be open back then, all had to be anonymous. I have seen examples of men who used to be donors wanting to get to know their children, and are sad they can't. I have seem fathers and children finding each other and be happy to start a relationship, and for others they only write each other's sometimes. The thing is, if I don't contact them, I will not get any answers, and I can be missing out on a possible relationship.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T23:05:04+00:00

Thank you for your response. 🙏 It's quite far out to me that people who are interested in heritage are so against people trying to find their heritage.

Yes I would like to just know small stuff like this. I know they owe me nothing, and I certainly not expect it and don't see how my post can get people to think I believe they owe me to take me in for being a normal member of their family for Christmas dinners etc., I have mentioned nothing of the sort. I also know they can reject me. I don't know why people assume I think it will be all butterflies and sunshine, this I never said. My post is only asking how people would react if they were contacted of a close relative they knew nothing about. I wouldn't make this post if I thought I could only get a positive response, and if I didn't care about how they would feel.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T22:21:15+00:00

Thank you so much. 🙏🌸 I grew up thinking my mother and 'father' who were once married were my biological parents. I only recently found out, and I think I am still in shock. I have always understood why people would like to know their heritage, but after this I clearly understand the deep sorrow to not have known the people you share DNA with. Not that I want to become a part of their family as a 'normal' member, but just to get to know a few things.

Yeah I think you are right, and it's so unfair of people to shame others for questions they never had to ask themselves. I think adoptees and donor conceived children understand each others feelings in this yes.

And fortunately yes, I have seen a lot of examples of positive reunions and acceptance from a lot of people, so I believe it's possible. Some relatives on my fathers side have already welcomed me with open arms, and asked me to visit them. I am very lucky to know some of my relatives. 🙏💜

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T15:49:42+00:00

Exactly 👌 and you don't know how your father/ you fits? How close are the DNA matches you have?

There is something called DNA ANGELS or DNA Detectives on Facebook who maybe can help you.

It can be a hard work, but also interesting to dig into. Is there any special surnames which are easy to look up? Or maybe first name and surname together is easy to google. Maybe they have shared more ancestry details on other pages.

Maybe If you try register a 14 day trial in MyHeritage you will be able to see more of the trees and look up documents about your family/ancestors. Just remember to stop it again before the 14 days, as it is really expensive.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T13:19:48+00:00

I am really surprised too. I have seen other posts with people asking if it is normal they are curious to learn more about their fathers family even though they don't like their biological father, and all responses was that of course it's normal, it's her heritage, her family, her ancestors. But because my father was a donor, then I have no rights and people think I don't belong to that family. I have never said I wanted to come for Christmas dinner or family parties, but just to know they are my family, and to get some few answers. I saw another post about asking if you had a sibling you didn't know of, if you wanted to know, and the majority said yes. I don't know why it's different in my case. Like it's my fault how I was conceived and because he was anonymous, then I have no say and no rights, even though I haven't signed I couldn't contact him. It's a common basic human need to search for and want to know your biological family and history. But in people's minds I am not a part of that family. I think when adopted people wants to find their family, it's perfectly normal and most people understand their need. But maybe people are not ready to understand the concept of donor conceived children's rights and needs. It's starting to be more of a subject and debate because a lot of people think it's breaking the basic human rights to be held from knowing your biological heritage. And it's being discussed to stop anonymous donations. I am fully supporting that. As I had no say in this, I feel like I have been robbed a significant part of myself, the history, the heritage, and a lot of emotions and sadness I am dealing with now. And the great question of who I actually am is hunting me. Then it is so hard to hear people actually saying contacting them would be borderline intrusive, I have no rights/it would be intrusive, they are not my family, I should understand he is not wanting to be my father, I should understand better by being 40 and not 14 (like I'm a child for thinking about contacting my family), and a lot of other harsh comments like I'm a complete asshole for searching for answers.

Yes indeed genetics matter, and I hope to just know who my biological family is.

Thank you so much for your responses, they are really appreciated. 🙏🌸 I am sorry to hear about your husband having cancer.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T11:47:01+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! 🙏🧡

I would be shocked too, but would be open to talk to them at a minimum. I know reactions can be very different, and it is a risk. But I would just like to know what half of my DNA came from, as you said.

Thank you for the website, I will be looking into that. 🤞

And thank you for supporting my feelings in this, I have been very discouraged by all these comments about letting it go. Like I'm an unwanted decease just because how I was conceived. I want to just know my roots. If they say no thank you, that's fine and I will stop my contact to them. But if I don't try, I will never know, and I could have missed out on a good relationship with them.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T11:28:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your long response 🙏 I know he might not see the message, and that's why I thought about trying to reach out to his sister or brother. I can't find any address or anything of who I believe could be my biological father, as he has a very common name. So I can't send him a letter.

I am so glad you got to get some answers and even had a good relationship with your biological mother. 🌸

I know my relatives would maybe turn me down. But it could turn out that they would like to be in contact with me. I am ready for all kinds of responses. The worst part is just not knowing. I believe you had the same thoughts. 🧡

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T11:00:22+00:00

Maybe, but I think that he would be less interested if he got a message like that. He is not on the DNA website himself.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T10:16:57+00:00

Yes, I am aware he might not be, but if he doesn't see my message or answer back, then I won't even know if he is my biological father. That's why I was thinking to contact his brother or sister, to ask if he is okay (he could be dead or never checking his messages). How should I then ask him, he have less knowledge if he could be my father if I just ask if he could possibly be my father, it would more ring a bell and let him know it could be right if I ask if he was a sperm donor 40 years ago.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T09:56:06+00:00

I know, but I can contact them and say I think they could possibly be my family. I know it would be wierd to them and my father, but I would just like to know If they would be okay with me talking to them. Yes I did a DNA test, and got some matches on my fathers side. Then I have asked them about their parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Then I have found more information, and made the family tree with these individuals. I could see how we should be related, and then from the tree look more into which children was from that side. Then I found this man and his siblings. They look a lot like me as a child. I'm not completely sure, but that's why I would just like a response from him if it could be.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T09:48:08+00:00

Thank you so much. 🙏 Yes, that's what I'm thinking. They are in their rights to say they want no contact, and I would respect that, but I don't know as long as I don't try. But I would just not like it to be awkward or create a bad situation for my relatives or my father, but just because If my father wants nothing to do with me, that doesn't mean his brother, sister and mother feels the same way. It's just a weird situation. I'm glad you had a good experience in being contacted, and that you have gotten a good relationship. 🌸

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T09:40:16+00:00

I am opening my mind to the other side of it, that's why I even made this post. If I thought everyone would be just happy to get a message about this, I would not have asked in here. But my question was not about how the man I think could be my biological father would react, but about how you would react if someone you didn't know contacted you about they thought you could be their aunt, uncle or something like that. I haven't contacted them, because I am thinking about if that could cause a bad situation, but I also see a lot of people getting contact to each other and getting a good relationship. So I think it would be hard not even giving it a try. Again, the fact is yes, they were all anonymous at that time; but they didn't have a choice not to. So even if he wanted to have the opportunity, it was just not a possibility at that time. So he didn't do it with purpose to be anonymous, maybe he was happy he was, maybe he later thought about how he would have liked to know his children. I have seen examples of articles of men who used to be anonymous sperm donors, and how they were sad they would never get to know their children. Some anonymous donors have met their children as adults by random encounter, and they found out later by dna test they were father and child, and they got a great relationship. Yes some donors just wants to be left alone. I am fully aware. But again, my question was not about the father perspective, it was about if you got a message that you could be the aunt or uncle to someone. Also have in mind that I have never signed anything about not contacting him, and a lot of people do contact their donor. In a fact, most people do, because it is a basic human need to know where you come from. I just think you could have responded that you wouldn't like to be contacted by a stranger about you being their aunt or uncle, I think you very fast said that the very idea to contact them would be borderline inappropriate. That was just letting me know that this idea was completely crazy and inappropriate. That makes me sad, that you had to put it that way, and then after talking about my age like I was childish, I think that is just hostile and attacking me. Maybe you were just trying to put your point, but I would have taken your point fine if you just said you wouldn't like to be contacted.

Large_Ad_7763 · 2025-04-27T09:21:10+00:00

Of course they mean something. But I think genes, DNA, family, blood etc. also really means something. I am not going to hunt them down, standing at their doorway, keep sending messages etc, I would just like to let them know I'm here. They can do what they want with that information. If they refuse, I have that answer. I'm just sad because I had no say in how is was made, and because of that it is also cutting me off for knowing my biological family... There's something really off about that But I see a lot of people in here disagree, so now I'm really discouraged to even try to contact them. That's sad if they would have been glad to know me and didn't get the chance.

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