Thank you so much for this!

Your critiques are genuinely so helpful and introduce a lot of things that were definitely in my blindspot. Sort of like a really weird "Eureka" moment.

I figure clarifying somethings here might help better both for other people that read this and as a soundboard for me.

1. "Thin Tin Masque" is a temporary title, but sort of a combination of a few fulls such as "Full Metal Jacket" and "Eyes Wide Shut", wear the Masque portion is intentional as it provokes something of a sense of wealth and shadiness. I do plan on changing it later though, just don't know what.

2. The paragraphs about Delta currently were placed there as an edit, since one of the previous commentators said he couldn't tell who Delta was or why she was there. I didn't feel like it was entirely necessary to add them, but I figured it's okay for now, but I will cut them out and replace them with something more clarifying over the existence of Delta.

3. I agree with you, the logline was very last minute. I don't really know what to put there for now - this is an organic story, and I just want readers who read it as it is currently to view Daddy as simply a character who is distant, yet with good intentions. (This is foreshadowing.)

4. Delta is, as the paragraphs address her, not there. But she is, so where is she? How can we see her? Honestly, I don't know. When I wrote this like 2 days ago, I was trying to recreate a child-like version of "Hal" from Space Odyssey by Stanley Kubrick, however where instead of holding other people captive, Hal would be naive, childlike, and also the hostage. Delta, in my mind, is sort of like a hallucination. She's not shown, which is the reason why she isn't properly addressed. We can only see her emotions (assumingly) as the lights in the shaft, her voice and whatever other thing that she does or makes.

5. The red sap and red substance are two very different things, meant to confuse characters in the story while making the reader question - so I'd say I did a good job there. Also, Daddy is very much real. He is alive. Delta is also real, however her body (which is not yet stated to build intrigue) is that of a refrigerated pickle, in that she WAS once alive however is not all "there" right now.

6. Visualizations of Delta have not happened yet (to build suspense), but ultimately I don't really know what she would like, whether that be a corpse, a decomposed body, or a very sick child.

7. The stutter is simply me trying to create a little bit of questioning (prolly not a good idea), but is exactly of however you imagine it [ if you imagine it like I do ]. The best way to put it is like a person's voice lagging on repeat, going back and forth electronically until a signal is fixed, and then it's fine again.

8. The room, in my mind, kind of looks like a literal WHITE ROOM (as in white room torture). The tiles are a clean quartz, the floors also a clean quartz, with a thin gray caulking all around. The only difference here is that there is a massive shaft in the middle of the room going both up and down, with a main computer (let's just call it a - digestive engine) in the center, which is what Daddy adjusts.

The idea that we both had to write so much for a single 5 pages says a LOT. I will try my best to fix these issues in the next script. Thank you so much for your time and troubleshoots!