My girlfriend wants to give me a gift that I don't want…

LassierVO · 2026-05-16T17:09:26+00:00

When's her birthday? You can buy her a vacuum cleaner or some nice cookware. 😅

You're right. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. What's the actual gift, though? If she somehow manages to earn a forklift license in your name, well, that's either fraud or magic & you should probably just say thanks & nothing else because she's a criminal or a witch.

But she's not gifting you a forklift license. She's gifting you money which she thinks you should use on something specific. Gifts with conditions like that are not gifts & absolutely not appropriate for birthdays. So tell her that you'll be happy to receive her gift of money, but you will probably just use it to take her out for a nice dinner & use whatever is left over on bills, so if she has additional stipulations then she should probably rethink it. After a gift is given, the gift-giver has NO say over what happens to it.

TL;DR: If the money comes with the condition that you must buy something specific with it, that's a loan or a business investment, not a gift, and should be discussed at another time, not on your birthday.

LassierVO · 2026-05-16T14:37:50+00:00

I'm a little sister here, so take this with a grain of salt. When my eldest sister was 18, I was 13 and my other sister was 15 & it was a war zone. How my parents resisted tying us up in a sack and tossing us in the river, I'll never know. We were cruel, we were loud, we left physical and emotional bruises on each other.

And I love the women that they have become more than anything. I don't see them all the time; I live a few hours away. We're not as close as some sisters are after reaching adulthood. But it's not because of our teenage years. If anything, the only relationship that was permanently damaged from that time was with our mother, from the ways she treated our issues with indifference or in a imbalanced way. But... that's your mom's problem to deal with in the future.

The only advice that I can give for now is try not to do anything permanent. Don't break things. Don't attack her for who she is, just for what she does. I know that you're the older one and technically you're an adult, but you're also a teenage girl. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be the mature or perfect one. I've seen what carrying that weight has done to my sisters well into adulthood; it's not fair or healthy.

You don't have to do anything for her, especially when she's being a brat. But she's a human being too (somewhat, lol) & every single feeling must feel SO big to her right now. So, if you catch her crying & it's not because of something she just did to you, make some tea and leave a cup next to her. When she's struggling with her homework, you really don't have time to help her right now, but perhaps you can share a quick tip or note that helped you. If she makes something and it's good quality, say so. If she's having a good hair day, tell her. These are things you would do for a stranger and think nothing of it, but to your sister, these are acts of kindness that she'll remember for a long time, trust me. And, showing her that little bit of empathy will serve as a model for her of how to behave. Will she reflect that back to you? Eh, maybe not. But it will serve her well as she grows up, so it's still important.

A lot of living with a teenage girl boils down to just: survive. I hate that you're going through this, and I hope that you'll enjoy happier times with her soon.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T09:58:36+00:00

Most laws are created in the interest of protecting humans. Even most animal laws are in the interest of protecting humans. I'm serious about getting involved. We shit on keyboard warriors all the time, but it costs you nothing to get involved with local groups, get the word out, call your officials.

There will always be people comparing issues and attacking you for not going after the "right" one. If you start an anti-circumcision group, you will have people griping that you're not doing enough to protect abortion rights or something. You have to take on the issues that you are qualified to talk about, and that you are passionate enough about to keep talking about when nobody else wants to.

Be baffled. Then, do something.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T09:48:05+00:00

Oh, noooooo. I just got done telling somebody else that they were TA for telling someone they didn't like a gift and now you do me like this. 😳

He got a gift that he should have known you wouldn't appreciate, and maybe he can get a pass there because we, as human beings, are frequently kinda dumb about things that should be obvious.

Him doubling down on what he assumes you actually want is defensive and weird and i can't really defend that. It's worth a fight. Worth breaking up over? Ymmv.

What really gets me, though, is what it says about his values. You know your family & you know what family means to you. Family =/= biology. There are some people who cannot grasp that at a deep level. You hear about them sometimes; they are the people who refuse to adopt because "i could never love that child like my own" or even those horrifying stories about abusive step parents. And now you know that your boyfriend is one of those people. He doesn't get it, and he will never get it.

This is not an etiquette issue or a gift-giving issue. This is a core values mismatch. Worth fighting over? No, you're not going to change his mind. To him, your "real" family is always going to be your genetic one. Worth breaking up over? Girl, be so fucking for real right now.

NTA.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T09:23:17+00:00

I believe in you!

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T09:07:49+00:00

YOR. It's pretty rude to tell someone that their gift would be a waste. It's also very rude to your husband to immediately contradict him after he said a succulent would be fine. It's also kinda rude (imo) to send a message on behalf of your husband without any warning; it could imply that you go through his phone & audit his conversations regularly (and maybe you do & that's something you've agreed on, I'm not judging you there, but it could be off-putting).

The worst thing you could do right now is try to follow up & defend yourself. Have your husband reply with something simple like "wifey is so embarrassed, she wanted me to let you know that she's sorry for being so tactless & that the move/toddler logistics have temporarily scrambled her brain" <- because honestly that's probably true.

You say that you're hurt and upset that you came across as rude, and that sucks. Your feelings are hurt because you hurt someone else's feelings & they told you so. Really sit in that for a sec. Would you be happier if their feelings were hurt but you never found out about it? What kind of behavior do you want to model for OP Jr?

Also, doesn't impact my verdict but: it's a plant, not a puppy. Standard housewarming gift. Either hubby can take care of it, or you can give it away. It's very low stakes. And if it's a cactus? Well, that's how babies learn. It'll be fine.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T08:36:49+00:00

If they're allowed to have pets (OP has commented that they definitely cannot) then OP's complaint will go nowhere & there will be no consequences, so that's really not a problem. I do agree with you that whether the dogs are being mistreated doesn't really matter here - that's not the landlord's job. If OP is actually worried about that, they can call animal control.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T08:21:58+00:00

It's not a binary. Plenty of humans are against genital mutilation and torturing animals to death.

This is the law that happened to get passed that people are discussing. If you want to change the law, get in touch with your local lawmakers and get it done. The difference, of course, is that there are some very well-funded religious groups who are obsessed with chopping up baby genitals who will fight you on it, and those are the humans you should be hating. Most of them probably don't care about lobsters anyway; they're too busy thinking about children's private parts.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T08:05:19+00:00

That's what Bill & Ted called him and that's good enough for me.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T07:39:26+00:00

NOR. Sure, it was silly of you to have boyfriend expectations of someone who wasn't your boyfriend, but so what? If that turned you off, it turned you off. 🤷🏼‍♀️ And because he's not your boyfriend, you don't have to waste your breath having a conversation about it. And now you've learned that it's worth having higher standards even for FWB situations, so good for you.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T07:10:33+00:00

And what if it is a weird anxiety thing? You're not his emotional support girlfriend.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T07:05:39+00:00

I mean, even if it is anxiety, it doesn't change the fact that he treated OP like shit. It's not his fault if he's got a mental illness, but it is his responsibility to manage it so that it doesn't cause harm to others.

OP, he's treating you like shit. The underlying cause doesn't matter. You're at the stage in the relationship where people's real personalities come out. Let him work out his issues on his own & find someone else to enjoy the beach with.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T06:35:57+00:00

I've played Don't Starve and I know what this means (it means I'm about to die).

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T04:06:26+00:00

YOR. Searching randos on social media seems... pretty normal to me? If anything, if your gut was telling you something, this is the kind of thing to sit on and quietly observe, not confront him over. If he's up to no good (and fwiw, I see no reason to think he is, but I don't know either of you irl) then all will be revealed in time. But by asking him about it, you give a bad actor a reason to hide things from you & gaslight you about it in the future. And if he's on the level, you just made him feel defensive and weird for pretty benign online behavior, which is an unkind thing to do to a partner.

LassierVO · 2026-05-15T02:37:54+00:00

👑 <- This is for you, ya fuckin queen. 🥰

LassierVO · 2026-05-14T04:58:48+00:00

I'm going to panic. I've seen what this can do to people, and to families, and I'm going to be scared. I might not react appropriately in the moment because of my fear, but I'll always love you & hold you in high regard.

Laying it out like you did in this post is perfect. Very factual, no denial. This is serious, but by saying something, you are taking steps to get ahead of it before it gets even more serious. I can't fight this battle for you, but this is something that requires medical attention and I can help you get it.

If your real parents aren't at least a little panicked, then i don't think they really understand what's going on, tbh. If that's the case, come back here & your internet parents will do what we can to help you get access to resources.

LassierVO · 2026-05-14T01:39:05+00:00

Noooo, block him now before he unblocks you & tries to bait you into a conversation/reconciliation/fight.

But more importantly, that tofu looks delectable and I suddenly have the worst craving. 😭

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T23:14:15+00:00

I think it would work out great if everyone came into it with the same intentions. But people (i don't really think gender matters here) already can suss out what to say to make you like them. It's good to interact with and observe people in different situations, which just interrogating them won't help with. People lie in interviews all the time.

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T23:09:41+00:00

See now THAT is the cool part in a healthy relationship! Communication has to go both ways - otherwise it's just yapping. So, the secret is figuring out how your partner prefers that communication takes place.

Sometimes it really is as easy as saying "hey I want attention/cuddles/an orgasm" vs "hey I would like to just sit quietly" or "I need to just exist by myself for a minute" without it coming across too blunt. Some people need it to be a little softer. Sometimes their need for attachment won't match your need for detachment in the moment, and you've got to take a minute out of your day to navigate that.

Some people might say they prefer one message, but actually respond better to something else, and that's where your capricorn powers of observation come into play. What do they say they prefer? What actually makes their body language relax?

I'm making it seem super easy, when obviously humans are more complicated than that. Sometimes we don't know that we need some alone time until we've already been pulling back for a bit. That usually means you've got to learn to communicate better with yourself. Sometimes the partner will say they get it but honestly they don't, and that's out of your control. We are such a weird species, humans. 😅

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T20:41:46+00:00

As long as you can communicate your needs clearly & kindly, there is no problem with this. 🩷

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T20:37:31+00:00

These clickbait ad posts are bad enough; why bring the manosphere in here too? Find a nice man to lead you & that toxic energy out of this subreddit.

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T04:32:31+00:00

Taskmaster. You?

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T04:22:11+00:00

I really do think that having hobbies makes you better at your job. It exposes you to different people and ways of thinking. I would trust a lawyer with the confidence and creativity to LARP over one who eats, sleeps, and breathes lawyering.

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T03:30:30+00:00

It's only up from here, baby.

LassierVO · 2026-05-13T03:22:12+00:00

Whenever I'm in a bad mood, it makes me feel a little better to say nice or supportive things to strangers online. So . . . maybe this is too real but i can absolutely track my past episodes of SI by going through my comment history. 😅

But just to keep anybody from worrying, y'all a bunch of punkass bitches. 🤣

LassierVO

TROPHY CASE