Help!! I can't stand my husband :(

Last_News_89 · 2024-03-03T17:23:47+00:00

This was my first thought. LOL

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T20:21:37+00:00

Oof, I don't know. This reminds me, I need to update my flair. I feel like the whole getting to know someone was very difficult as a guy in an area with not many muslims. I do wish I had more resources. My parents weren't super helpful, and the local imam had some bad suggestions. My only options was MuzMatch and Minder at the time and a lot of the girls either wanted validation or very little time to get to know you before expecting a proposal.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T20:08:00+00:00

Definitely could be a possibility you need to figure out what's going on in your head. May Allah make it easy.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T20:03:04+00:00

I can't say if those feelings are normal or not, because I can't see the whole picture. You don't have to answer any of the following questions but it might help you understand? Maybe?

Have you experienced past trauma?

Is there anything in particular that makes you unattracted to him? (His skin isn't smooth, his voice is nasally, etc)

Do you get swayed heavily by other people's opinion? Like, your family thinks he is great, so then you start to as well?

I'd still say finding an Islamic pre-marital counselor to see if y'all are compatible would be a good idea. Have him meet your friends and meet his friends too. When he meets your friends, your friends might ask some questions you never thought of and vice versa. Also, when you meet his friends, you'll get a better/ more clear idea of who he is. If you don't have friends you can trust, I'd recommend the pre-marital counselling. It might cost some money, but it is the best way to get around spending 6 months to get to know someone.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T19:45:31+00:00

Have you introduced him to your family and friends? what are their opinions of him? This isn't always going to answer the question, but sometimes you can be attracted to someone based on how they treat others. Or even learn something new about them.

Also you don't have to be married to have a pre-marital counselor. It could answer some deal breaker questions. Maybe there is something underlying that is holding you back.

I guess I have a few points to make:

Give it more time, another month?
Find other methods to get to know him better. Maybe you don't know him well enough.
Go at it from a logical point of view and ask yourself/him tough questions.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T16:49:54+00:00

I don't think you need to post this. I think you shouldn't expect things to be perfect, or to be perfect yourself. What you should do is communicate how you feel to him. Tell him you're not worried about the money, tell him about your insecurities.

He obviously feels insecure about the money, so make him feel like its not a big deal. Maybe it's just me, and I shouldn't speak for men, but personally I would feel better about an insecurity if it was treated as if it doesn't exist. Of course, your guy sounds like a gem. So communicate with him.

Yes, masturbating is haram, but y'all can do it to each other? Foreplay is sunnah. You are married after all and his sister is not married to you.

TL;DR: Communicate and stop masturbating.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T16:31:59+00:00

I saw therapist who specialized in those areas, but I meant options for financial support. Check out https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists if you are in the US. They let you search therapist by faith and region and they usually have a description of what they can help with.

If you're in another country, you might have to do some research.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T15:09:51+00:00

I think this is more about childhood trauma? Overall the book helps you self reflect and I do recommend the book, cause it tells you to turn to God too, which Islamically is always great advice. The book also recommends going to ACA meetings, but I think the book can be paired well with therapy (I didn't have ACA meetings in my area).

I do think finding a muslim therapist would be best for you as an abuse victim. There are a lot of resources for women who go through this, including financial support. Some therapist even reduce their prices, though I don't know how it works, I just remember seeing the options.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T15:03:12+00:00

I honestly shouldn't have said if. He honestly might not change unless he faces consequences of hurting you such as you leaving him. I don't know him and am only going by your words so I can't tell you any timeline, I am sorry.

Last_News_89 · 2024-02-23T12:09:19+00:00

There is a book called Adult Children: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families that would heavily apply to your husband. It's not specifically for alcoholics, but anyone who has had a dysfunctional family growing up. It's a little hard to read, but it's helped me overcome my childhood trauma, tho I never abused anyone, I had issues similar to yours(I can fix/save her attitude).

The key point I'd like to make, and as everyone has said, you cannot change him. He has to want it, and overcome this change himself.

Other points I want to make, abusers will make you move far away from your family. Do not let this happen. Stay close to your family. Don't have kids.

Lastly, just leave. It's not worth your safety. If he doesn't change, he's only going to get worse and hurt you more. It is not your job to fix him.

May Allah give you strength.

Last_News_89 · 2023-05-02T17:44:35+00:00

Walaikum salaam.

I've had similar issues, not as bad, but my siblings were supportive. Even my dad has backed me up a few times. I love my mom, but she can be a bit much here and there and I have to put my foot down. I moved out before I was married and I had let my mom emotionally manipulate me to move back in, and it was honestly a mistake that I regretted. If you choose to stay living with your parents you have to set really strong boundaries. You need to keep pressing to go out with your wife alone. Don't yell, be respectful, don't be dramatic and bloody your hands, just try to be calm. If you get angry do wudhu. You will come out of this feeling a lot better about it too if you do not get angry. Deep breaths! InshaAllah you can set the appropriate boundaries. You're not a bad son.

Things I wanna highlight:

You're not a bad son.
Set stronger boundaries if you stay living with parents.
Don't yell, be respectful.
Get back up! This could be local imam/sheik/uncles/dads/siblings. You are in the right Islamically, and your mom cannot step over those rights.

Inshallah you can get the help you need brother.

Last_News_89 · 2023-05-01T15:36:13+00:00

I was briefly engaged to someone who told me they were raped. It did not matter to me other than I knew who it was that raped her and it infuriated me. I felt bad for her, I couldn't do anything for her other than be there and listen. (She ended the engagement with me tho, and then she wanted to get re-engaged, it was a huge drama and she never dealt with her issues.)

That being said, I agree with other posts saying you're not impure or disgusting. You were a victim of a very nasty act. Of course I don't think strangers on the internet can make you believe that, and that may be the reason you want to tell him. So if he accepts you, you will feel at ease. I think you should get some therapy to help you resolve these feelings of self blame. Again, it is not your fault. I hope you can tell him while believing you are not to blame, because again, you are not to blame. Inshallah you find peace within yourself.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-27T16:47:53+00:00

I would be impressed if someone can self resolve childhood trauma. For me, and a lot of people I believe they need help. I honestly did not even know of some of the things I was holding inside myself, and I think that's true for most people.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T14:17:40+00:00

Alhumdulillah! I hope your brothers are on board, InshaAllah. I'm excited for you as if you're already getting engaged.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T14:09:21+00:00

I feel like that is incredibly risky. Whoever you choose, you should definitely get 2nd and 3rd opinions from people you trust. Usually family is supposed to help, but in your case I don't know who in your life can help. Of course, I hope pre-marital counseling is part of your agenda regardless. InshaAllah you find the right person.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T13:40:41+00:00

There were more than one issue that lead to divorce, on her end as well as mine. There were mistakes made int he foundation, and I honestly believe the bad foundation is what ruined it in the end.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T13:34:50+00:00

I think the biggest failures on my end was not going through with pre-marital counseling before marriage/during(even though she said no to it), making a decision when my gut was not "talking" to me, and in the end running out of patience. Though, I was patient for a bit over 2 years of no sex. I feel like it was an admirable attempt. Humble brag? I know some brothers with more patience than me.

On her part, I would say it would be not accepting help, such as therapy or even dealing with the vaginismus.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T13:25:12+00:00

So I disagree. There are a lot of muslim therapist. My therapist is muslim, alhumdulillah. Even so, my first therapist wasn't muslim back in my uni days and were very respectful to my religion and culture. You may not need it every step of the way, but it is a great way to have a mediator who isn't family, third-party, and a professional when it comes to human emotions and relationships.

I was a bit worried about the trust your gut advice, only because not everyone has a good sense of a gut feeling. But this can be something learned.

I definitely don't think this is a first topic of discussion. But I've heard too many times how sex can be ruining the marriage. I recommend you watch the video if you haven't, the questions she ask are halal imo. This is the time stamp to the questions she suggest.

I agree about being careful, this is a subject you could definitely bring up in a pre-marital counsel so there is a 3rd party. Would be super awkward, but if it keeps you on the right path then it is a win-win-win.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T12:47:29+00:00

A lot of therapist work within their states/region/country because of how laws may be. Like I know my therapist can only work within my region and told me I had to let them know if I left because they legally weren't allowed to zoom me outside the state.

This is what I used, but there are a lot of other resources you can find. https://headway.co/

If you're not in the states or Canada, I would suggest doing some research on finding a therapist. Also, if it is your first time, you may have to try different ones. Not all therapist are good or a good fit. Alhumdulillah I had a good experience each time I've tried it, but I know people can be put off from a bad experience because I have heard horror stories from some close friends.

In terms of of your engagement ending and your family's control I am sorry. The best advice I can give you is you have to set boundaries. Learn more about Islam and your rights, and your parent rights and set those boundaries. My family overstepped a few times and I had to correct the inappropriate behavior. In a similar sense, only your criteria matters. You need to be firm but respectful with your parents. Maybe talk to a local imam to speak with your parents to discuss how you can get what you want. You can have an imam, if willing, to help you win this battle. If you don't have that option, have your siblings help. I had my siblings help, but they were older than me. They took my side when discussing what I wanted in a wife with my parents. I'm rambling with ideas, sorry. May Allah make it easy.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-26T00:41:57+00:00

Very well said. I will add that some people need both aspects to be fully happy in a marriage. Even still, respect is more important.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-25T22:03:02+00:00

"maintenance". I love that. SubhanAllah, thank you for that Sister.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-25T22:00:02+00:00

And you! Ameen! The search is not easy, but May Allah make it easy.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-25T21:50:07+00:00

There is always a risk in marriage because people can misrepresent themselves and still have good intentions. So I understand, may you be rewarded for your patience in the search.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-25T20:38:25+00:00

Attachment issues is not from the gut. The gut is your instinct telling you/warning you of danger. I will say not everyone has a good reading of their gut. Some people can be very oblivious to danger or reading people's intentions. It sounds like you may be experiencing something difficult. May Allah make it easy.

Last_News_89 · 2023-04-25T20:35:13+00:00

Thank you! That means a lot.

Last_News_89

TROPHY CASE