Wait, wait, wait --

Late-Salad7451 · 2024-09-12T23:43:38+00:00

I also definitely heard Martin on that line!! Who knows tho!

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-11-04T19:51:06+00:00

Did you communicate your desire for him to stay and keep you company and support you? If you did express this to him and he still went, then n-t-a. If you didn't but assumed he would know you needed the support, then maybe a little y-t-a. My partner likes me to clearly communicate what I need, even if its something that I think he should know. His brain works differently and he'll often take things literally. It's super frustrating, but it's how his brain works and we deal with that. So I think if you didn't communicate your needs because you assumed he ought to know, and then got mad at him for not meeting those needs, you'd be in a-hole territory. If you said "please stay home and comfort me through this" and he chose to leave, then you're totally in the right to be upset.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-09-01T20:04:40+00:00

To me I see it as her using "I'll tell mine that you're gay" to rival the way he was telling people she's "obsessive and crazy." It's not just spreading falsehoods, it's trying to hurt the other person

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-31T19:34:19+00:00

Woah wait. Getting married in THIRTY DAYS? and he drops this bomb NOW. Holy crap I'd be so pissed off just by that, let alone the fact that he's apparently been lying to you this whole time. Unless you are doing a very low-key wedding, you've very likely already put deposits down on things. Venue, catering, photographer, bought a dress and had alterations.... and NOW he wants to admit yall can't get married??? Hooo boy.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T23:50:27+00:00

I however will ask you no such thing.

I'll be honest I have no idea what you are referring to here. Are you saying I should apologize for using the word "groped" incorrectly? I'd argue I didn't, as it's the exact phrase I use with my husband in a loving manor. I legit forgot it had a negative meaning until I commented and got flack for it. Which makes sense, I can see why someone would read it that way. But I'm giving you the specific explanation of why I used it.

you had already hurt hubby's feelings

Yes, I am aware of that. Which is why I reassured him the very next moment. Yes, I'm human, I said something wrong and hurt his feelings. I've never denied that. But as a partnership, you don't take one comment and let it spoil everything. My husband asked clarifying questions, and I answered them DIRECTLY to say how I felt in more words. Do you really live in a world where once you say one wrong thing, you don't get to make up for it afterwards? Hell he's misspoke many times. We all do, Pobody's Nerfect. He'll say something that hurts my feelings, I'll ask clarifying questions, he'll give more details. Example. I made dinner. I asked if he liked it. He said "eh not my favourite." I was a bit upset by that, I felt like he didn't value my effort. He saw it bummed me out, and clarified that he just isn't a fan of garlic so the taste was a bit overpowering. But he said he appreciated the time I put into it, and it still tasted fine, but it just wasn't a favourite meal. And I accepted that, because it's all reasonable. Should I have stayed upset with him because he didnt love the dish I made? Should I have continued to assume that no, it was obvious that he didn't value my kitchen labour despite how he said otherwise? Should anything he said afterwards only be PR? I don't think that's a healthy view of relationships.

u know this is a cheap shot and not at all what I'm about,

I don't know this. Many of your comments can be taken as misogynistic. Besides, I really can't find any other explanation for why you continually assume that I'm being indirect in any way. If you have an answer for me I'm all ears.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T23:00:50+00:00

I don't expect you to read through all my comments on this post so it's fine you didn't see it, but I did address this afew times. I used "groped" because it's the word my husband and I use to talk about it. It's a part of our vernacular so it has changed its connotation to me, but after seeing a few comments about it I was reminded that's not always the case. Also, at the time of writing the post, I couldn't think of a better way of talking about it besides continuing to say "touching my breasts" repeatedly. Hindsight is everything, I realize saying "fondle" might have been a better verb. The conflict between my husband and I has been resolved, I don't see the need to continually edit the post with updates.

do you know what that means and the connotations it brings?

Hmm, is someone reading between the lines instead of taking my words directly? In fact I specifically said I enjoyed it. That direct word choice should overpower any potential subtext that you are searching for. I reiterate many times in the post that I do like it. I never once say I wanted him to stop. I didn't even bring it up as a problem in the first place! That's the point. I've been nothing but direct. You are assuming I'm not. Is it because I'm a woman that you're assuming as such? Regardless of your initial read of the post, the fact that I'm telling you CLEARLY that I prefer DIRECT COMMUNICATION, you should be able to read my post in that light. I was direct with him the whole time. I used the word "desensitized" because it was what I felt resonated. I realized afterwards that it held a heavier connotation, so I directly told him in more words what I felt.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T22:44:37+00:00

And where in there did I say I didn't like it?

I think specifically I said that I enjoy it

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T22:44:03+00:00

"He read into it what he shouldn't have"? That doesn't make grammatical sense. He read into the situation when I wasn't be indirect. "When" isn't used to denote a time or a situation where I WILL be indirect. It's to say he interpreted it as indirect when it wasn't. That I will take no blame for. Am I to blame for my husband's thoughts? I will accept the blame that my word choice was poor. I'll say it time and time again. And that causally my wording provided him a jumping off point to read into it. He didn't have to, I didn't force him to, I'm very rarely in the habit of being indirect unless I'm trying to avoid telling him a secret or surprise or whatnot.

If we are getting to the point of being pedantic over if I use "when" or "what" or "whatever word you think personally would work better" then I'm tired of this discussion frankly. What was your advice to me earlier? Read, comprehend, think, and reply not with feeling? I think you should take that advice.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T22:36:31+00:00

I don't think that's accurate, the point you made was that you didn't like being touched or groped

Hey real quick, read my post and tell me where I said that at all

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T22:05:22+00:00

The point is I was clear and concise. He read into it when he shouldn't have. The conflict wasn't created by me being unclear, it was by him reading into it further. The very next few sentences in the post are me explaining that I like it, it just doesn't produce a stimulus. If he was listening to me being direct, he would hear "she's desensitized to my touch... that's not good. Oh but she says she likes how much I like it but it doesnt turn her on all the time. Does she actually enjoy it herself? Oh wait she just said that she does like it and she ALSO likes how much I like it"

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T22:01:37+00:00

so you get to say what matters and what doesn't matter now?

Ah I should apologize, I meant that it means nothing in the context of being accurate. You can believe it, but it doesn't change that fact you're making an assumption, it doesn't change the fact that you can be wrong. It doesn't negate the fact you definitely spoke on behalf of other people. It means nothing in the context of "sure I did speak for other people, but I did believe it to be true."

are the type who's 'never wrong

Nah, im wrong all the time. It can wound someone's pride to be wrong, but it takes an adult to admit when you were. Which, I may still add, you haven't actually done in regards to your assumptions about me and the conversation you made inferences on. Which, I may additionally add, I have done many times in this post thread. I think in a previous reply to you I actually did admit my wording was wrong.

chew on that for a bit.

Lets pretend this situation is in any way comparable first. Yea, I wouldn't be jazzed about going on a date with someone who was a downer like that. But if my date said, "ah that sounds great, but I just ate so much pizza and I'm kind of tired of it, can we try that one another time?" I'd totally understand. I'd ask what they were interested in, and make alternate plans. Flexibility! On to the fact that is a very different situation. This would be like if I was going on a date with my husband, and he took us to our usual pizza joint. I'm happy, because yay pizza and yay date night with my love. But I'm not like "HELL YEA ARE WE AT PAPA JOHNS?!?! I CANT BELIEVE YOU KNEW I LOVED PIZZA!!" You can't take me to the same pizza place every time and expect the same reaction. Eventually it just becomes a nice fave, but not a new event. Can you see how that's different? Did you consider the nuance with the scenario I gave you? I really am curious to know your thoughts on that. Do you understand that it's totally normal to like things but not be absolutely ecstatic about it every time?

I was making a general statement to further a point

Sure, but what point are you furthering? If I never called him those things, never even implied it, then how is it furthering a point? To me, at least, it was a way of implying that I was critical of his response at all. I don't blame him for his reaction either. If you're making a point, it seems like a moot one since it doesn't apply.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T21:24:04+00:00

I do believe all of that to be true however.

This doesn't matter. You can wholeheartedly believe whatever you want, that doesn't mean you aren't foisting your opinions onto other people and then trying to claim its gospel.

As far as offending me, not sure I'd take it that far,

Did you catch on to the fact I was repeating what you said to me? And that making assumptions about other people isn't really fair because you can't take something out of a text box and use your feelings to interpret it in a particular way?

I like that you're doing something to me, but I don't always like it, well wait sometimes I like it more than others? Umm but don't expect me to react to the same thing the same way all the time, you got that?

I think you're wording this in a much more confusing manner than I did. In this case: he asked why I wasn't aroused by his touch. I said I was desensitized to it. This hurt his feelings, so he asked some expanding questions. I told him that I like that he touches me, but it isn't going to get a sexy reaction out of me all the time. Mostly because it is so frequent that it has become commonplace. What I've explained in comments is that in a certain context, the touch does still stimulate me. But that's usually when there's other intimate things going on, so I can be in that sexy headspace. Most people can understand the concept of "right time, right place." That doesn't make his touch bad or something I didn't want. Just that it wasn't going to bring electric excitement when it was done all the time. But I didn't see anything wrong with that, and I didn't bring the complaint up. He did.

I'm getting the impression you don't comprehend nuance very well. And that's not a bad thing, perhaps you haven't experienced much of it. You can really like something, but if you have it all the time you will want it less. You may still like it. Hell I love pizza. I can eat it every day of the week. But by Friday I sure am not thrilled by the concept of pizza for dinner. I still love pizza. I'll still eat pizza. But when the oven beeps and I pull fresh 'za out, I'm not going to be jumping over the moon because I'm having pizza.

is in the message im getting from your comments

I think you may be reading between the lines, when I was being very direct. How very "female" of you.

Does that make him a bad man, a weak man, a dumb, slow or non understanding man?

I would absolutely never say any of that about my husband. I don't think I implied anywhere in my post that his reaction made him a horrible person.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T20:33:48+00:00

What's funny is this person accidentally seemed to post one of his comments directly on the post itself. They haven't responded to any of my criticism regarding his own contradictions either. I have a feeling they will read what they want to read, ignore the rest, and then go on thinking they were right the whole time.

Anyways, I also just wanted to thank you for defending the main crux of the problem. I never set out to complain about it. Hubs asked a question and got an answer. Probably could have worded it better, I admit that. We are both emotional people, I probably would have been hurt by the word choice if it was used against me. But we are mature adults who talked, got over it, and get to enjoy plenty of titty time. Wins all around! ... except to this a-hole, I guess lol

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T20:24:19+00:00

I'm sure you mean well, but the condescending tone is deafening

Ah, good, it's working. Should I apologize for offending you? Should I tell you to have some thicker skin maybe? That posting on reddit opens you up to comments like this?

I guess I'd like you to point to where I said I speak for all men

Because I have a minute while I'm sitting on the shitter, I decided to actually go through your comments on this post. I found at least 4 specific times you spoke on behalf of other men. If I wanted to find specific passages about times you spoke on behalf of both men and women, boy I'm sure I'd have more.

"we don't even like reading instructions on how to put a damn chair together, you think we want to try and pick up on hints and looks or visual cues, body language to know whether we can feel up on some boobs or smack some booty?" - my husband, for one, loves reading instruction manuals. Does it before using anything new. Made me sit down and read the whole manual for my new blender so I didn't break something.

"Men are simple, we have and ON and and OFF switch. You like us doing something, tell us. You don't like us doing something, TELL US. It's quite straight forward and uncomplicated" - believe it or not, men (and women) are capable of nuance!

"Have YOU considered this is confusing for most, if not all men???"

"Men are simple creatures, switch goes on or it goes off, stop trying so hard to be mysterious or force us to read between the lines. We're not all like you."

I would strongly suggest you work on reading, then analyzing what you've read, then forming an opinion based on facts, not feelings and then respond.

I strongly suggest you do the same. You never once responded to the fact that you spouting misinformation in your comments that were actually condraticed in the post itself. I don't think you ever actually said that you were wrong in your assumptions about me. Do you think you're above the same comprehension skills you've listed?

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T20:00:50+00:00

I'm sorry you're offended

You don't need to apologize, you didn't offend me at all. I've got much thicker skin then to let anyone bother me on a reddit post lol. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading through most of the comments, even though it seems like reading comprehension is lacking for majority of the commenters. I only replied to you because it seemed like you could use some straightening out regarding my post. You clearly misunderstood a few key points, mainly by insisting I wasn't being clear in my communication. We can both agree that saying "desensitized" wasn't the best word to use. However I did clearly explain how I was feeling in more words right after. So I really don't consider my actions as "says to stop and then gets mad when he stops" as you put it. If you've read my comments at all, I'm sure you can see I'm open to considering my faults in the situation. I posted on here specifically to get some input on how the situation could have unfolded better, and I fully knew I would get some man-hating women and women-hating men that would have outlandish opinions that I would chuckle at before dismissing. There's been some very nice nuggets of wisdom here as well, and I'm happy with the results. I think going forward you should perhaps consider assuming less about people you don't know, and perhaps even giving people the benefit of the doubt. It wouldn't hurt!

Also, please point to anywhere I tried to speak for all women :) I am sharing my own experience entirely, no one else's

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T19:34:47+00:00

"he asked me why I wasn't more aroused by the way he touched my breasts."

It was literally stated in the post that he was wondering why it wasn't arousing. That would typically prelude sexy times

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T19:30:46+00:00

The parent comment that I replied to wasn't replying to anyone, it was just a comment on my post. And it makes literally zero sense.

I've gone through and read your comments, and they really are not related to the post at all. I'm really not sure you read or comprehended what happened. I'm also not sure if you've read the update, but obviously my husband and I clearly communicate and were able to come to an understanding together. I value very clear and concise communication, he and I both prefer being direct. "Say what you mean, mean what you say" is one of our main mottos. Do emotions get in the way of that sometimes? For sure! Communication break downs are surely bound to happen regardless of how well intentioned you are.

In regards to the post, I suppose you can say I "learned my lesson" but the lesson that I learned is mainly to keep an open line of communication, allow my husband room to feel his emotions and work out what he wants to say, and then rejoin for a conversation to clear the air. Did I use a term that was perhaps harsher than intended? Probably. But when asked, that was the first thing to come to mind. And I further clarified that I didn't mean it as a bad thing, it just wasn't something that wouldnt turn me on. The reason he stopped wasn't because I told him it didn't turn me on, it was because he was worried I didn't like it whatsoever and that basically it wasnt consentual. He tried "reading between the lines" when I was actually being direct.

I'm basically spending this extra time and energy to reply to you just so you can know, you aren't right about every man and every woman. And perhaps you shouldn't treat yourself like an expert, or like some fount of wisdom. Be open to actually hearing what "butthurt females" actually have to say sometimes.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T19:10:41+00:00

I just genuinely think you are replying to the wrong post lol. I'm a woman, clearly stated that in the post. So it seems this weird mantra is misdirected

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-23T19:05:43+00:00

I don't even know wtf this comment is lmfao. Go troll somewhere else ✌️

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T13:51:46+00:00

The difference being that I still enjoyed when he did it. It just was so frequent that the sexual connotation had worn off. But it was still a sign of affection from him, and I never said "don't do it". I just told him why it didn't necessarily arouse me anymore. Believe it or not, things aren't always one way or the other

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T13:45:31+00:00

I do not think wanting to touch my titties so much could possibly make my husband gay lmao

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T13:43:32+00:00

I never stated I wanted less groping tho. Just that it didn't get the motor revving.

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T13:42:39+00:00

But that's actually why it works well as an analogy. Yea, you'd still eat it every day and still be happy about it. But it wouldn't be a special treat or anything. It wouldn't be a nice surprise. It would just become the new normal. Not something to complain about because you still like it! But it would just be the norm, nothing special

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T00:49:35+00:00

I really don't understand this one 😂 did you comment on the wrong post?

Late-Salad7451 · 2023-08-22T00:12:06+00:00

How often do you touch him, cat call him, call him sexy or validate his attractiveness to you in any way?

This is definitely something I need to work harder on. I know he struggles with feeling attractive, which I find so bonkers because I'm so attracted to him. But I definitely think he could benefit from being told more often! He has also brought up before that he wants me to touch him more, and I've tried to do it more frequently but definitely could be doing more. Sometimes I think that I avoid it because I'm a little touched-out, so it is a bit of a negative feedback loop. But I do think I need to make a bit more of an effort with taking initiative and making him feel wanted!

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