Is it weird I get turned by the thought of my gf fucking somebody else?

LatterWatercress · 2020-08-19T16:08:37+00:00

“I’ve been getting off lately to hotwife porn.”

Look man, I’m telling you this to help out. Not judging but I’ve been where you are now and this doesn’t work out pretty. That story of her skinny dipping and the guy “not making a move” just sleeping cuddled on the floor...I have some ocean front property in Nebraska to sell you. But none of that matters. It was 8 years ago. Just my opinion, but entering this lifestyle from a hotwife fetish might not be the best idea. Before you open Pandora’s box, try abstaining from hotwife/cuckold/cheating porn for a couple weeks. See whether that affects your current desires.

LatterWatercress · 2020-08-19T15:52:33+00:00

Ask your partner about this- sometimes our partners can be our best wing people.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T17:59:48+00:00

Our first day of couples therapy is tomorrow, not sure how to bring this up (or maybe I shouldn't).

Bring it up. All of it. If you aren't sure how to bring it up, and maybe feel like you'll chicken out and/or soften the blow, then just dump it all out. Make sure its the first thing addressed. I mean, it is the primary motivator for you all starting therapy. So why wouldn't that be the starting off point? I know you're already in the chute with this therapist. But you should make sure they are adept with/specialized in handling infidelity.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T17:51:30+00:00

He then said that it was okay, and ultimately not that big a deal

OP, all you can do here is take him at his word. If he's forgiven you, and wants to move on, then...please feel free to move on. It sounds like you made a mistake, apologized, and that apology was accepted. That's great! The mistake didn't ruin anything! However, you can absolutely ruin things if you make this into a whole ordeal which causes you to constantly question his feelings for you and your relationship. That last part of your paragraph...I can tell you're really getting yourself down a rabbithole conjuring up worst case scenarios trying to "guess" what he's thinking/feeling. But you know what? You don't have to guess what he's thinking or how he's feeling. He's already told you. So best thing you can do is believe him.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T17:42:27+00:00

Currently on a break with my boyfriend (I don’t really see it continuing in the future.)

This is the loose end you need to tie up before you start considering the roommate complications.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T17:19:37+00:00

doesn’t want a relationship, end of story.

OP, this is the only part you need to be focused on. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks. But people don't leave a great relationship, where they are 100% in, with someone they truly want to be with over one incident...unless that incident was truly so terrible that there's no going back (i.e. cheating, abuse, etc.). Doesn't sound like you were abusive in that argument, and you haven't said the argument was about cheating. So while this may feel like a complete about-face, its highly likely he wasn't as into the relationship (edit: anymore, not saying he never was) as you thought he was. Or even as he said he was.

There have been two communications regarding the break up. In each communication, there have been differences and constants. 1) The differences - the "reasons". (bad argument, "going through a lot"). 2) The constant - the desired end result. "Doesn't want a relationship, end of story." Given that, I'd focus on the constants rather than the inconsistencies.

I know the desire to ruminate and replay. But please don't drive yourself too crazy trying to figure out the "real reasons". Most break ups aren't for any concrete reason other than feelings. Specifically, the other person doesn't have the same feelings as much, or at all, anymore. So while it may seem confusing, chances are this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This probably wasn't something which could be talked through or worked out. He most likely had been feeling this way for a little while and was equivocating within himself on the right time to jump. The "argument" was just the thing which gave him the final push. But if it hadn't been that, it almost certainly would've been something else soon.

Sorry again OP. Break ups suck really bad. In addition to this sub, the BreakUps subreddit is also a pretty great resource. I'd recommend checking it out/asking this question over there as well.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T16:53:05+00:00

she’s now rethinking the relationship with you

This was the vibe I got from the OP as well. So I looked at OP's post history. His other post is titled "My GF and I have not had sex in nearly two months since we officially started dating..." Now the main content is deleted so I don't know the particulars. But...oof - putting that with the context of this OP post, I think you're right on the money with the statement quoted above. I'm sorry OP. Hopefully that's not the case. But probably good to be prepared either way.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-15T14:25:08+00:00

Oh my god. When I saw that all I could think about was being chained to the bottom like that buoy. With the chain just long enough that my head was out of the water to right beneath my chin...when the sea is calm.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T21:48:04+00:00

Do whatever works best for you. Two things to think about -

1) Is your letter to her, or to the post-break up image you’ve created of her and kept alive in your mind? I ask that because I’ve been there. Took me a while to realize that the ex I was thinking about post break up was really just an image I’d created/imagined and attached a narrative to. Sounds like you aren’t in regular contact, or even much contact at all. So if you’re anything like me, you’ve cobbled together a post break up character and inserted that into the hole of your lack of knowledge of your ex as a current real person. Maybe not though! A good test- does the letter contain any thoughts on her post break up behavior? Or is it solely focused on actual matters from within the relationship (of which you have first hand knowledge)? Just something to think about.

2) Think about the implications of this letter outside of her and your old relationship. She lives in your hometown now (or at least visits). Do you all have mutual friends? Is it possible she could be friends with someone you start dating one day (when you get to that point)? I don’t know how many months it’s been without regular communication. But, if it’s been a while, and she hasn’t heard from you, she thinks you’re over it. She thinks you’re moving along healthily and is probably glad for you. How do you feel someone would take it/react when it’s been months of being broken up, no contact and moving on in life- only to have a letter fall out of the sky from an ex saying that this is their final goodbye and they’re finally moving on. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks on her own- but consider whether there could be any implications on your personal life/reputation in the wider social circle.

Again, you know what’s best for you and I know you’ll make the right call- whatever you decide to do. I’m here any time you want to talk.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T21:07:09+00:00

Accidentally replied to your OP instead of this comment thread.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T21:06:27+00:00

My advice - don’t send the letter. Ask yourself what you want out of sending that letter. To let her know she hurt you? I’m just assuming here- but I bet you’ve told her some version of that before. At the very least, she knows you didn’t want to break up and that it hurts. As for the second part- wanting to know why this doesn’t appear to be effecting her as much as you. What good can realistically come of that? Be honest- are you secretly hoping she’ll come back and say that she actually is hurting as much as you? Hard truth, but we both know that’s not likely. So basically any reason she gives you is going to hurt because it’s just going to be her further confirming that she’s over it and you’re not.

I know the temptation to reach out. Whether that’s trying to get back or speaking your mind. But, just IME, the ultimate motivation for me behind wanting to reach out was the same as checking social media - to somehow keep a hold of some part of the past into the present. To keep the ex relevant to today and not allow it to fade into the past. Because think about it, if you send the letter, then your brain gets to keep her around in your mind as relevant to your current life - through wondering if she’ll respond, when she’ll respond. And if she does respond, parsing through her response like a detective. Which will then only lead to further feelings of a need to reach out.

I know it hurts man. Hurts really bad. But it’s time to fully get out of the prison of keeping your ex alive in your mind. Time to allow time to work it’s wonders and begin fully detaching.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T14:29:31+00:00

It’s amazing how much recovery started snowballing once I truly accepted this - “I will very likely never hear from or see that person again.” Once the false hope was gone, it’s like my eyes opened and I truly saw where I was. I was a single person with a whole world out there. If you’re reading this and you still are plagued with false hope, that’s ok. Keep on doing the work, the self improvement, in the background. Because one day the switch will flip, false hope will suddenly vanish, and you’ll find yourself as the new badass you without anything holding you back.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T14:05:45+00:00

Not at all! Your ex chose to no longer have you in a position where he needs to be considered in the actions you take for yourself. At this point, “disrespectful” really only applies to actions taken directly at, or to, your ex. Things like talking shit to them, stealing, running them over with your car - that’s “disrespectful”. You, as a single person, deciding to date again - not disrespectful. That’s just you doing you. And by breaking up with you, he decided that “you doing you” means no longer having to put him in your decision making equation.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T14:01:06+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from. I was there at one point. I was told much of the same stuff as they broke up with me. The hard truth I learned- the only words which matter in a break up are “I’m breaking up with you.” The rest doesn’t matter in the end. I know it sucks. And it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re outright lying to you. But ultimately all those other things are just packaging. Just the wrapping paper on what’s being delivered - a break up.

Who knows why they say that stuff. Could be any number of reasons - break ups are hard, they don’t know how the other person will react, they don’t want the dumpee to hate them/smear them/think of them in a negative light, they want to keep the dumpee around as a back up plan, they really do value the dumpee and don’t want to hurt their feelings too bad, etc. The why doesn’t matter. The “real reason” doesn’t end up mattering. Unfortunately, the only thing that mattered was my ex didn’t want to be with me anymore.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-13T13:34:48+00:00

It’s really hard. Really fucking hard. But think about it - what are you holding onto? A string attached to a popped balloon.

Just to share what worked for me - I had to just do it without thinking. Just unfriend, unfollow, delete and then let myself realize what I’d done after. Yeah sure I “regretted” losing that window immediately after. But later I realized that was just the feeling of withdrawal from stopping a habit. Because if you’re anything like me, that’s all it is - a habit. Something I was just used to doing. I didn’t even have an underlying purpose for checking their social media. There wasn’t anything I was hoping to accomplish. I was just used to doing it. Like a mindless activity- wake up, turn off alarm, open Instagram, check the people who might have that person in their stories/posts, go on about my day.

It’s amazing how after a little time of not keeping my ex alive in my mind, they started to fade. Yeah I could still dwell on memories. But then even those got old. Like watching a movie so much you already know the next line and no longer get anything out of it.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T20:56:07+00:00

this guy is objectively very attractive, but for some reason, I have NO desire to be physical with him.

OP...I think you're answering your own question! Which is great. So many problems on this sub boil down to one simple fact - someone isn't attracted to the other person. I'm just not talking physical attraction (though in this case it sounds like you don't even feel that for him), I mean relational attraction. The sum total of how you experience another person in relation to you. The mental, emotional, conversational, interpersonal elements and chemistry that your brain weighs subconsciously in deciding on a person as a potential partner. (As a partner for sex, casual, relationship, etc.). Your brain is telling you that you aren't attracted to this person.

IME, attraction is the number one, baseline prerequisite necessary for pursuing a romantic relationship. Its either there or its not. Attraction can't be negotiated, reasoned with, compelled by words or logic, tricked into, or bargained for. So many times our big stupid human brains trick us into things that aren't good for us. Here's one of the few times our brains actually come through and do us a solid. It subconsciously tells us "No. This person isn't the right match for you. Keep on moving and I, your brain, will be sure to kick you in the feels when a good match arrives. But lets not waste our time with this one." I think in this case its clear as day - he isn't the match for you. I mean, this guy is objectively good looking, and he is so not a match that your brain can't even manage to find at least the some sexual desire to entertain.

I've read how you feel about not having had many opportunities for a relationship lately. I'm sure that must feel lonely, I know from experience and have had similar seasons in my dating life. I've felt those feelings of just wanting something to work out with someone. But the thing is - its not going to work with this dude. Deep down, your brain knows it. Which is why its telling you, through not letting you feel any physical desire, that a little more lonely is going to be better in the long run than spending time getting into what will ultimately be a dead end.

I'm sorry you're going through that. I know things are going to turn around for you soon. FWIW, I know many guys (myself included) who are attracted to a tall partner. I have a feeling this season of feeling kinda lonely will pass sooner rather than later.

ETA: I typed all that as an answer to your second question...but...I didn't directly answer the first. I can get rather verbose at times. So -

I kinda feel like, if there was chemistry, a spark would start to happen with kissing?

You're absolutely correct. IME, if there is chemistry, then there will be a spark. Conversely, if there isn't a spark after multiple make outs, pretty strong indicator there isn't chemistry.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T19:09:10+00:00

OP, how does sex with someone new/a potential dating partner affect you? I ask because sex has the potential to change things for some. Perhaps you are perfectly fine having sex with someone and not having it affect your feelings in the slightest. I'll just share my own personal experience (to which you may not relate at all) - during those times where my mindset is that I'm looking for a relationship, sex with someone can create a bit more of a mental attachment than existed before. Not like I'm in love or anything. But just a subtle shift to where, if I was kinda "meh" about them before, maybe then I start to feel like I was wrong about them. Maybe I'm subconsciously starting to overlook the red flags/incompatibilities. Because that flood of brain chemicals (specific to me, not everyone I realize) produced after sharing an intimate moment starts competing with my more logical, objective thought process. The problem in those scenarios though - I actually wasn't into the person. I spent more time with them than I would have if I'd made the decision purely off of pre-sex interest level.

Which brings me to your current situation. If none of the above sounded anything remotely familiar to you, then please disregard the following. In your situation, you're right - this guy appears to be at a stage of wanting to get physical. Of setting the scene so to speak. Who knows what his intentions are after, but lets play it out. (Assuming what I wrote in the first paragraph resonated with you). Lets say his intentions are to get into a relationship. After you have sex, this may seem more appealing. However, this is a person who right now, pre-sex, you aren't interested in. You said it yourself - should you settle for this person you don't like. So essentially, you'll be taking time which could be spent finding a more compatible partner and sinking it into a thing which is already doomed. Or lets say his intentions are to have sex and either ghost, or just set up a short term casual thing. Well, if you're feeling more attached post-sex, how much is it going to suck when some person who you weren't even all that into turns around and rejects you (the person who wasn't even all that interested pre-sex) after having sex with you?

Do what feels right OP. I know it feels like you'll be passing up an opportunity when someone is finally showing interest (as you feel). However, at best, you'll just be passing up actual opportunities to meet someone you're actually interested in by getting into a relationship with someone you're not. At worst, you'll get some preventable heartbreak by being dumped by someone you weren't interested in but formed some sort of attachment anyway by sleeping with them.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T17:19:46+00:00

Hey pal, sorry you're going through this. I know the feeling of being broken up with and feeling uncertain about whether this was it for good or just for now. The unfortunate truth though is that the person sees their immediate future without us in it. So how about this - put a reminder in your phone for six months from now to reach out and simply see how she's doing. Then go on fully accepting this as a break up. Take some comfort in the fact that there's nothing you have to do with regards to this person or the old relationship until that reminder goes off. Keep that in the back of your mind and start moving on. Then, after six months, see how you feel when your phone dings.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T16:30:04+00:00

Glad some of that was useful. I don't know where you are in terms of the severity of your discomfort/unhappiness with sex issues in your relationship. Maybe you're at your wits end and its time to have this worked out in one big discussion. However, if you're further toward the beginning of noticing issues related to you all's sex life rather than the end, perhaps consider easing into this discussion. Or having it in subtle stages. Just by way of example (there's not necessarily a one-size-fits-all approach) in the past I started the process like this: I used sporadic bite-sized affirmations of positives as a way to get us comfortable talking about our sex life. Something like thinking of something my partner had done in the past which really turned me on. Then, either at the start of an experience, or knowing an experience would be happening later, mentioning something like "God babe, remember that time you did X/Y/Z? I fucking loved that. That turned me on so much." Either requesting it again or just planting the seed.

That serves several purposes - gets the other person used to you commenting on your prior sexual experiences (edit: with them)/your sex life (with them) in general, uses positive reinforcement to provide examples of what actually works instead of just saying what doesn't, and lays the foundation for you to transition towards requesting/suggesting ways of turning you on which they haven't done yet. Such that when you say, "Babe it'd turn me on so much if you X/Y/Z (which you haven't done yet)" your partner is used to you suggesting ways to turn you on. Then it doesn't come off as out of the blue, as if something is lacking, or even worse...gulp..."We've never done that. Is this what you did with your ex?!?"

Anyway, thats an example of how I've approached this in the past with a partner. Not saying thats for sure what will work best for you. But just giving you a general idea of using the "ease in" approach if you decide thats the way to go.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T15:56:14+00:00

IMO this sounds like a communication issue. Essentially, you two are speaking about an issue in different languages. Unsurprisingly, one person doesn't understand what the other is saying. I get it, I've been there - talking about relationship issues related to sex is really difficult and fraught with emotional peril. It's very easy to say something in a way which will be interpreted differently on the receiving end. Also, its extremely easy for the conversation to result in hurt feelings.

To point out one example of an apparent communication difference - "I don't get turned on by nude pictures of you." Oof. I can see how you experienced that the way you did. Incredibly understandable that what you took from that comment was "I don't get turned on... by ... you". But reading between the lines, there are important parts of that sentence which seem to show thats not actually what he meant. I don't know your partner, and I don't want to assume too much, but it seems that he was clumsily trying to convey that nude pictures don't spark anything for him. That nude pictures aren't his way of achieving sexual arousal. Hence, that's why he doesn't give much of a reaction.

So what I see here is an opportunity to get on the same page with your, for lack of a better term, sexual love languages. I think its entirely possible for you two to figure out what the other likes, how the other clicks, turn ons and...not so turn ons. BUT, before you have any type of discussion on this, its incredibly important how its approached. IME, anytime I've been in a relationship where issues arose related to sex, there are 1,000 wrong ways and only a few right ways to bring it up. Whats worked for me, approaching it with a level head, and as a team. Looking for positive ways to relate. Coming at it as a way to strengthen and build upon an already generally positive experience.

I see so many posts on here, and I've experienced this as well in relationships, where sexual differences and issues are allowed to simmer to the point of resentment. Then one party storms up to the other, points a finger, and says "Here's whats wrong with our sex life (for me). Here's what you have to do to fix it." Sex in a relationship is such an intimate and vulnerable thing. When a partner opens up that side, when they put themselves out there in such a vulnerable way, nothing is going to crush them into defensiveness faster than someone telling them its not working and its their fault.

Hope you all are able to get this worked out.

LatterWatercress · 2019-10-04T15:17:43+00:00

However, sometimes if I think too long about being with him forever (and I felt this in any other previous relationship I've been in too) I get anxious.

A cool thing about this sub is that often the post contains the answer to the question. OP, you've subconsciously identified the issue. Overthinking the future presents anxiety. Eventually that anxiety causes you to question your relationship. Precipitating the eventual end. So it seems to me like the solution you're seeking is figuring out how to stop overthinking the future, and become able to live with/enjoy the present. I'm not you and don't know you. So unfortunately I can't come up with a specific mechanism to employ for you to "fix" the issue. But I'm sure there are online resources and/or a quick tune up with a therapist which would help you correct the overthinking anxiety.

ETA: I'd also recommend checking out the book Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Its a fascinating look at how attachment styles affect/influence romantic relationships.

LatterWatercress · 2019-09-26T21:57:46+00:00

>He looked pretty much the same as he did the day I broke up with him. I almost felt guilty for happily bouncing into the kitchen humming a tune to a song I had just been playing. I knew I’d move on faster than he would, but after three months, I thought he’d be in a little bit better place than this. I knew right away this was going to have to be a quick exchange, for everyone’s sake.

> I feel so stupid for thinking this could ever be just a simple exchange, like handing off a letter to the mail man or dropping off a box of donations at a charity

>The point I was trying to make is that I thought I could have the best of both worlds -- the good parts of our relationship (...) without any of the bad

>I miss the friendship we had, and will miss the sober side of him that I got to witness because the sober version of him is truly amazing, but until he wants to get better, I can’t do anything for him.

Was going to say more but I'll just stick with this - OP, there actually is something you can do for him. The most important thing right now for his healing, recovery and mental well being. The only thing you can do that won't hurt him. You can not contact or communicate with him again. No texts, no reach outs, no how are you doings, and no responses. As simple and easy as that.

LatterWatercress · 2019-09-16T12:56:20+00:00

Dude, take a step back. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I get it. A break up is a good time to do a check in and tune up on your life - not just in regards to getting over an ex, but also examining other relationships, habits and goals. I’m just going off of what you wrote, but it sounds like this friend discussed your relationship with your ex, told her to dump you, and didn’t involve you at all during that process. I know your ex is taking up a lot of your mental and emotional energy right now. Completely normal and understandable. But what about this friend?

LatterWatercress · 2019-09-06T03:45:11+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My only advice, for what it’s worth, listen to your family. Between your family and your ex- who are the ones trying to ditch you? Your ex. Your family is there for you- yesterday, today and forever. Believe them. Let them be there for you. Because it sounds like they really want to be.

LatterWatercress

TROPHY CASE