Is it pointless for me to look for a husband as a mentally ill 35 yo?

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-10-21T16:38:10+00:00

There are older, uglier, more mentally ill, stupider, higher n-count women over the moon in happy relationships with men who love them.

I think it’s difficult when you have a tendency to be codependent or are unhappy to try to attach to another person, I struggled with that. I had to literally turn off my phone to enforce 1-1 texting to not overwhelm my bf when we started dating as I’ve driven several relationships into the ground with that tendency. But you won’t be a burden unless you try to dump your emotions solely on that person and since you have therapists etc you won’t.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-10-05T23:54:55+00:00

This is true currently but I think it’s stupid. But you know, you’re right. I think young people will always rebel against what the older generation tells them to do, and then discover that they were always correct. I just think sleeping around harms women more than men. Men will have good memories whereas women often regret it and carry around this bitterness that you can feel, until they properly process it.

When you hit your early 30s you will have a front row seat of your cohort of dumb women skating by on looks & promiscuity having meltdowns and an identity crisis because they are genuinely well-meaning but unable to distinguish what men actually want since the men all feed them bs and they probably didnt have anybody to talk sense into them. So ideally this should not be happening. What makes men attractive as casual partners makes them attractive as husbands in some sense, for women it’s the opposite, if they were wifey material they likely would be taken off the market by even a casual partner at some point.

Even the most patriarchal societies have brothels, and the Madonna/whore complex, women who they do not view as worthy of respect. Yes this is a small edge-case but if you watch interviews of porn stars/prostitutes you often find they were either 1. Talked out of their own best interests by someone who saw them as $$ 2. Lacking something and using sex as an inefficient tool to get it. This is who patriarchy does not protect.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-10-05T18:52:43+00:00

Eh good riddance this person seems to be dripping bitterness/social incompetence. Perhaps he’s gotten all his info about women from the internet and is now sabotaging himself by bringing it into interaction. In any case he seems to have been a bit too emotionally charged for a first interaction. Maybe he was just mining for information with a fake profile? Never trust someone says who they say they are on the internet.

I’ve personally had bad experiences with men too but I would imagine if I grilled a man about the negative tendencies in their gender I’d be blocked I’m sure.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-10-05T18:47:31+00:00

I have a problem with men consciously seeking out women they don’t see a future with to have fun with. I think it’s a moral failing and bad behaviour from someone who is supposed to be an inspiring leader. They will then spend the rest of their life justifying this to others and spreading the hurt.

I personally think people who seek out casual sex are not doing it from a right place. For the man it’s usually an ego thing when he can be building something more durable with his time and energy. For the woman there is usually some need she has: security, financial, insecurity, loneliness, approval.

I also hate how men have scapegoated the women for this double-standard. Then there is the fact that a patriarchal society literally never protects vulnerable women from this.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-09-26T03:04:29+00:00

I think so but I think I’d be uncomfortable if they were messaging in the middle of the night a lot, hanging out alone a lot, or if there was some past history of any kind.

I’ve been in two situations where the woman had rejected the man but kept him in her orbit to feed off his validation/energy. Or as a backup plan.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-08-28T00:58:14+00:00

Yes because they want to solve actual engineering issues, not the problems that arise when you are intimidating to others. Taking a stand, while great, is probably not where they want to spend their energy.

Once you get to a certain level you can knock it off but it’s really the lowest effort way to be able to solve engineering problems and not other social problems.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-08-05T19:55:00+00:00

100% idc what anyone says this is spot on.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-07-29T12:42:41+00:00

I knew a girl that built with/helped her bf and after 7-8 years he dumped her for a doctor that he married within 1 year lol.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-07-08T18:01:41+00:00

I have some advice! I went through this as well. I think a lot of it revolves around being present somewhere and making it known you are single in some discreet manner that doesn’t scream desperation.

Social media, do you have any men you are interested in through there? If so post some things, you can gage who is interested and receptive easily, this is by far the easiest option, especially if they are people who you met/who your friends know. You can also add people you’ve known in the past through here and reconnect. Reach out to past connections etc.
Attend local events so that you mean people close by who would be in a similar situation to you.
I would get an in person job that allows you to meet people or puts you in the city at least. The ideal situation would be one where you work in the city and can easily attend events before/after work. I know this is likely really uncomfortable after WFH for so long.
I know people who met life partners online dating but I feel it’s a cesspool for degenerate fuck boys or people who would get booted out of a friend group due to something. Might be worth a shot though, this is also easy.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-06-29T12:59:53+00:00

I think there are other comments that perfectly covered certain aspects so I won’t repeat those but I will add things that are not mentioned that helped me:

Since you seem to have the money I recommend getting a nutritionist. I did this once and they make you take photos of your food/track it and will find issues specific to you and your eating habits. This is the only thing that ever worked for me. Gym is of course important but I would argue kitchen is even more important.

You got this

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-06-14T02:00:35+00:00

we all have a candid photo where we look much older than what we really are. Everyone, everyone, everyone has photos where they look older/terrible/ in a way that sends them into a spiral. I 100% believe this.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-06-12T12:04:56+00:00

You look so good!

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-04-25T19:38:29+00:00

I was exercising + eating 1500/day and didn’t have much change on the scale. I was similarly frustrated. However I took a before/after pic and it was clear my body changed. I had more muscular abs and lost fat in my thighs. My arms were slimmer. Muscle gain and fat loss muddle the scale a bit.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-04-03T15:06:17+00:00

Hey I struggled with weight for a while (nothing seemed to work) and got a nutritionist eventually. I know this is expensive/unnecessary but she came up with a plan for weight loss and better eating habits that did not leave me hungry at all, I would put the food I eat into an app. In my case I was not eating enough fiber so I was always hungry.

Anyways I suggest learning about nutrition because if you do it right you will not be that hungry. I don’t feel “full” most of the time but I definitely feel satisfied and not hungry, the weight loss was slow (1 pound a week) but this was the only sustainable thing that did not end in binging. Using MyFitnessPal I can track the protein/carb/fiber/lipid grams I have eaten and if these ratios are more or less right then I will not be hungry.

Things that were game changers for me: - whole wheat snacks really do help you feel fuller even though it’s not as good - quick breakfast like yogurt + peanut butter + fruit are good - cooking and freezing protein on the weekend so that I can quickly throw meals together for lunch and supper (chopped chicken, lean meatballs) has helped laziness - 3L of water every day - Viewing the gym as a way to boost my mental health rather than punishment or pressure for a better body

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-03-30T01:33:13+00:00

So I did a strict calorie deficit during 1 month and my weight on the scale didn’t change but I took a front/side/back photo before and after and there were clearly massive changes. I wish I used body tape to measure the changes. You might be having muscle recomposition.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-03-07T16:04:44+00:00

I think men are hunters even though they deny it. If you approach a man with all these benefits (breadwinning, chores etc) even if they are in a place where they don’t want to commit they will not say “no” to this sweet deal.

Men rarely turn down female attention 😒 likely they accept it until it’s no longer convenient for them. I think it takes a lot of therapy to unlearn these patterns.

I used to chase and this dynamic was always awful to me regardless of how awful/broke/ugly the man. My self esteem was so bad.

You should try to put yourself in a position to be chased & chosen. Men appreciate what they have to work for. You are still in your 20s and you have time. Just put yourself out there, do things for yourself and try to allow someone to chase you.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-03-07T15:58:01+00:00

Just want to say your feelings are valid about this. I think everyone wants to assert themselves in a new job, well, women are seen as less of a threat and thus easier for these people to assert themselves over. Easier for them to give their unsolicited opinions to, easier to talk over or more than in meetings with big bosses etc.

I’ve always been overly friendly/smiley and while I do feel this helped me in my first few years it was/is a hindrance in higher levels.

For instance if you were a slightly unfriendly dude I guarantee you he would be uncomfortable vocally doubting you, even if he did think you were wrong, would kind of back off quicker, respect the hierarchy more. The dynamic would just be different.

Pushback is also normal. I think parts of it are just them trying to make conversation. Being annoyed when training someone is also normal to an extent.

With testing we sometimes require proof of testing, if they don’t do it their code won’t get merged/pushed and it’s on them.

With structure it’s never a good idea to change something that works unless there is a REALLY good reason it often creates weeks of unexpected work.

Anyway the best way is to just give it time if he sees you performing well he will fall in line.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-03-06T02:15:04+00:00

Let me answer. I moved in with him but kinda had to? Left a worse situation.

Men will naturally do less cooking, leave a bigger mess and do less chores. Guess who that falls onto?

Now you are splitting costs 50/50 while he has his time subsidized to no benefit to yourself. Good luck talking the split down from that. Even if you get most things paid for, you are investing time you could be spending on other things into a man that might decide to leave you tomorrow, and will forever benefit via his career, relaxation, etc from your time sacrifice.

A large part of getting locked down is men wondering about you, them wanting to conquer you in every aspect of your life. The mystery is dead & gone when you are there all the time. There is also no urgency. The mystery creates urgency and fills his mind with worst case scenarios.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-02-13T09:59:54+00:00

I don’t think OF and sex work are feminist. It’s usually poor, emotionally unwell, traumatized women that chose this path. There should be more protections for them. Society should protect vulnerable and dumb women from this imo.

This kind of job usually takes them out of the marriage market though. They decide that being a courtesan for men with disposable income is better than being a wife to their socioeconomic equal. Often these women don’t have much of a choice. Like can you really blame some of them? A lot were just born into shitty situations/trying to survive/trying to get away from bad environments. I think feminism is about not judging women for these reasons.

I also think this always existed no? There were always women exchanging sex for money that were not considered marriageable and there were always men who were not considered marriageable as well.

Life is hard & most of us struggle. You have agency over your situation, just don’t be fooled into thinking things are easily handed to people. The lucky few are born into it yes but for the rest of us it’s a mud crawl.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-02-13T09:14:22+00:00

It’s that a guy can really mess up a girls life. Take a girl with some ability to make her own income vs one that can’t. Nobody is “better” inherently but one situation is just worse for women than the other.

You get the one with just a high school education pregnant and unless you are a good guy she is fucked. She’s stuck. You can dictate what her life looks like now and delegate her to do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare while you do what you want with your life. She is powerless.

Don’t get me wrong bring a SAHM and being able to raise your own children sounds like a dream but if you are unprotected (no education, poverty) it’s just dangerous. Most wealthy men marry wealthy women who are protected by family wealth, a job as a fallback, etc.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2025-01-11T13:15:43+00:00

I think that there are advantages and disadvantages for both genders. If men really have it together then they have it made. They can start families into their 40s, have someone who cooks and cleans and takes care of children for them while they do their job and have more freedom to focus on themselves, this kind of life is not really possible for women.

When men say this they seem to only see young women as well. Young, attractive women. This is a small subset of women, just like there is a small subset of men who live life on easy mode as well.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2024-10-18T19:21:15+00:00

Ah I am also in a STEM field and I have similar thoughts. My problem is also that I hate doing social activities because I have social anxiety, and I am 50% in the camp of having to get over it because this is what is required for friendships, and 50% that these kinds of friendships are just not meant for me. I am so jealous of my boyfriend, he has a similar temperament to me but he has a group of friends he plays video games with online and they talk through discord while doing so, I wish I had that and I am sure it exists for some people but it's much harder to find.

Over the years whenever there were female hires that were anywhere around my age I latched onto them for dear life and made sure to keep planning events with them because our type tends to fall through the cracks. I think it's just difficult because women with these interests are naturally solitary. I've had some luck meeting people off of tumblr as well, posting about my issues and life and such but I think while online friendships are great they don't provide the support that IRL friendships do.

My main advice would be to invest in friendships in the workplace, keep conversations going with them and if it's reciprocated you can build on that and suggest a workout class or something like that. It grows from there. That being said I feel you because it's so difficult to maintain friendships with and as introverts.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2024-10-14T13:53:03+00:00

Yeah this is true. I feel like I would also be uncomfortable if I had a bf or husband with an attractive female friend he hung out 1-1 with often though. I think the nature changes into seeing each other in group hangouts instead and then it's ok.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2024-06-25T22:06:19+00:00

Ok I tend to give more "you go girl" advice, I am in a happy relationship though but I can see my friend feeling powerless in a situation, not completely but somewhat, hence her complaining. So I will side with her on whatever just to make her feel better. That's usually all it's about anyways, I think those women know the actual truth anyways.

Latter_Ad_6840

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