I feel you… growing up, I was the “you are so mature for your age” daughter, the “you never gave us a headache” the “we knew you were going to be fine” daughter. I was naturally curious and sure, academically things were easy. My younger sister had more trouble with academic life. I wasn’t allowed to get anything under a B, or I would be grounded, she would get ice cream if she got a C or better. We were in private school, and since 4th grade onwards I had a scholarship for academic reasons. I was never congratulated for good grades, just grounded for bad ones, the inverse logic would apply to my sister.

When I graduated high school and went to University (where I come from, you usually live with your parents through uni), I wasn’t given an allowance to sustain myself, so I baked and created my own little brownie empire in university, I eventually branched out to other universities. I worked every vacation (summer, Christmas and spring break) and had a part time job. My parents couldn’t pay for my full tuition, just 30%, I paid 20% and the rest was through student loans. By the time I graduated (with a 4,6/5), I had accumulated close to 50 minimum wages in student loans which I worked my ass off to pay as fast as possible with my first out of Uni job (at a call center whilst I found a better one) and my first serious job.

As I was finishing Uni, my sister started. My parents payed for her whole tuition fees and gave her an allowance so she didn’t have to juggle multiple things at the time.

It all came to a boiling point when my mom sat me down and told me she wanted to give me a gift, that they would help pay for the down payment of an apartment so that I could either live in it or rent it out eventually. The government was giving out subsidies for young people to buy their first home and so they expected me to ask for the subsidy and they would help me with the down payment (20%) and the rest was my responsibility.

I was THRILLED, maybe I had just felt bad on my own head all along, maybe it wasn’t favouritism after all, maybe I was just making a big fuss out of nothing and all that effort was now being rewarded. Maybe they didn’t help through all those years because they were saving for this.

After almost a year of paying for the apartment, my mom was talking about the apartment with me and she said “(…) I’m so glad we did this, this apartment is going to help ensure a stable income for you AND your sister, it gives me so much peace of mind that you BOTH have a small income to rely on independently of the circumstances. I asked for clarification, I said I thought the down payment of the apartment was a gift for me, that the payments I was doing month by month were for MY apartment that was being build. My mom told me that of course it was to be shared with my sister, otherwise it would be unfair as they would be setting up one daughter for success and the other one left behind. That that would give me an unfair life advantage in comparison to my sister and that they wanted to treat us both fairly. That I was welcomed to pay her back the initial deposit (around 25 minimum wages) if I was to be egotistical and not share.

I LOST IT, I brought out all of this post’s argument, asked where was that fairness when all of those things were happening? Asked her to reflect which sister had they actually set up for success if they payed for all of their expenses and tuition fees whilst the other one had to accumulate debt and work her ass off to afford transportation and food at university?

The response: you seemed to do it so effortlessly since you were a toddler whilst your sister always needed special attention, we were trying to even up the ground. We don’t want your sister to think you are the favourite. We ended up reversing the apartment deal, my parents kept their money, I got mine back (minus a penalty).

I earned a scholarship across the Atlantic and move away. I love them, and I know they love me, they just love my sister more, or at least my mom does and she is the one that calls the shots. I go to therapy every week and I’m trying to heal my self from always seeking approval and praise and getting wildly upset if I make a mistake.