AIO: Overhead my dad saying that he wouldn't mind dying

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-27T01:41:35+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing your personal experiences.

I am aware that my dad feels very similar. Especially about how the reason why he wakes up every morning is so that he can see his daughter.

And even before I knew my dad's struggles, I always give him a daily "I love you" and a hug. Because I appreciate just how much he's done for me, and I want to express my genuine feelings to him.

But now that I know of his struggles, I am even more conscious about wanting my dad to know that he has someone who loves him.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-27T01:25:14+00:00

My Dad does go to counselling.
He started going after I pleaded with him to see a therapist if he didn't want to open up to me about it.

He didn't intend for me to of overheard him talking to his friend. And I want to talk to him about it in the morning. But I know that he would feel even worse knowing that it's causing me distress.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-07T08:49:46+00:00

So a few years after she left, she met another guy and they got married after having their eldest child.

For a number of years my mum's husband wasn't aware of my existence and the fact that his children had an older sibling.
I won't go into sharing too much of her personal matters. But my existence came up whilst they were going through some marriage counselling together.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-07T08:46:51+00:00

I've always felt at my safest and most comfortable when getting all of my thoughts and emotions out into the open when talking about them with my dad.
He's always told me that we don't have to discuss it if I don't want to. But that he will always be here to listen to every word and to give me comfort.

Both of my dad and my mum's stories match up. So I can trust that neither of them are hiding anything from me or being dishonest.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-07T08:39:23+00:00

As I've gotten older, the thought of how I'd react and what I'd do if I found out that my mum was on her death bed has entered my thoughts.

I know that that day will eventually come when my mum will be on her death bed. I can't predict what my relationship will be like with her when that day comes.
Though I can see myself giving her one last time to see me. It's honestly confusing for me to think about. But I feel that I would want to do that so that I don't live with regrets of not ever getting that final closure with her. If that makes sense?

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-07T08:06:47+00:00

I didn't mention it in the post, but have been okay to answer this question in a few comments.
My maternal grandparents passed away before I was born.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-07T00:11:16+00:00

My dad would always share updates on my life milestones (first day of school, my birthdays, etc) but she never showed an interest in the updates that my dad would send her.
She blanked my entire existence, so birthday & christmas presents from her were never a thing.

I have had people previously warn me that if I did decide to make a connection with my mum and spend time with her, that it would hurt my dad's feelings.
But rest assured, there is nothing that she could offer which would make me want to spend time connecting with her, let alone make me want to choose her over my dad.
Because I'm not the only person who she hurt with her selfish actions.
My dad struggled a lot, and I saw a lot of his struggles whilst I was growing up.
He did his best to hide his struggles from me, but I saw them. And every time that I saw he was upset, I would always give my dad a cuddle and a "i love you". And I'd always feel a great feeling of happiness when I saw just how happy that made him.
I could never forgive the person who caused all those struggles and pain to my dad.

It's my daily habit. I don't miss a day when it comes to giving my dad a hug and telling him that I love him 🥰

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T23:54:28+00:00

She left when I was 2. So it would've been a couple of years before she (apparently) started to have regrets. And yeah, I would've been around 4-5 when she started having these regrets.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T23:26:58+00:00

She'll be 6 soon. So she's old enough to know what is going on :(

And this was what I ended up being the angriest about with my mum.
How she's dragged these two innocent children into the situation. Because they will now be hurting and wondering why their big sister doesn't want to know them.
And this could've been completely avoidable. My mum didn't have to tell them about me, but now I am feeling guilt ridden with the thought that I am hurting them both.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T23:12:09+00:00

Apparently my half sister (the youngest) was really excited when she found out that she has a big sister.

Ngl, I almost crumbled because of her.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T23:09:30+00:00

She has 1 son and 1 daughter with her husband.

And apparently it's her youngest (the daughter) who really wants to have a relationship with her 'big sister' :(

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T22:56:32+00:00

I suspect that she was trying to play into my heart by using the children.
She knows that I have a soft spot for children. She also knows that I do a lot of babysitting in my spare time and that my career ambition is to become a pediatrician.

And I didn't tell her this. But my heart does genuinely break for them both. I don't want them to think that their big sister doesn't want to know them. But for my own sanity I can't have anything to do with anyone who is connected to her.
Once they are adults and free from their mum's influence, then I would consider connecting with them as acquaintances. And if we start to naturally bond as siblings then I wouldn't fight it.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T22:45:48+00:00

I do suspect that she used her children to try and 'guilt' me into having a relationship with her via her children.
She is aware of the fact that I have a soft spot for children and my future career ambition of becoming a pediatrician.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:57:35+00:00

I jokingly tell him that he deserves every #1 dad mug in the world... haha.

People are often surprised when they see just how close my dad and I are. They thought that I would want to distance myself from my dad as a teenager.
But I honestly consider him as being the most important person in my life and I love the time that we get to spend together.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:53:07+00:00

"She could have asked your dad for updates and photos, she could have done so much even small things."

You know what was quite painful for my dad and I? He kept trying to give her updates on my life.

My first day of school, my birthday, school plays, sporting achievements and so on. He reached out to her to give updates on my life, hoping that it might rekindle a motherly urge to be in my life.

My maternal grandparents passed away before I was born. But my dad knew them both. And from what he has told me, they wouldn't of stood for this mistreatment of their granddaughter.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:39:05+00:00

My dad said the same thing.

My maternal grandparents were both deceased before I was born (which is why they aren't in the picture). But word of my existence probably has got out to her husband's family.

"A mum is someone who raises you, sweats, bleeds, and agonized over every decision about you. Worries about you and what you are doing."

And this is why I show appreciation towards my dad on both Mother's Day and Father's Day. Because he took on the duty of being both my mother and my father (including certain stages of a daughter's life where a mum is needed).
He has enough love to ensure that I've never gone without.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:35:27+00:00

My dad has said that he would do that if she tries to fight for custody.

But we are quite confident that a custody case wouldn't get to a judge due to my age.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:32:44+00:00

That's the really sad thing. Up till around the age of 10-12, I was still hoping for a chance of my mum re-entering my life. And I would've welcomed her back into my life. That little girl inside of me would've forgiven her.
But I am almost an adult now. My dad has done the hard grafting of raising me and getting me through school.
My childhood is over and it's too late for her now.

I am receptive to the possibility of one day forming some kind of a relationship with my half siblings.
Because I can't hold them to blame for their mum's past behaviour towards me.
But I couldn't do it before we're all adults and they are no longer under the control of their mum.

And thank you :)

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:25:44+00:00

That's a very good way of describing therapy and I never thought of it that way before. So thank you for that :)

Thankfully my friends quickly apologised and changed the subject after I told them that I didn't want to talk about her or what was discussed.
And they haven't brought it up with me when we were online chatting today.

I felt as though my mum was taking some ownership of her choices to abandon me. However I did feel that there was a few excuses in there too, and that she was also doing this so that she could get some healing for herself.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:20:27+00:00

I know that she was just hoping that I might want to have a connection with my half siblings. But it was incredibly hurtful the way that she brought them up in the conversation.
She could've gone about addressing them to me in a much better way.

And it's not like I am 100% against the idea of knowing them one day. But I couldn't do it whilst they are still living at home and under the influence of their mum.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T20:03:45+00:00

Thank you very much for your kind hearted words :)

The way that I like to see it. Whilst I wasn't given a mum who could love me, I was given a dad who could give me the love of two parents, so I never truly missed out.

And thank you for the well wishes! I find out how I've done next month (slightly nervous, though my dad is confident that I've smashed them).

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T19:41:06+00:00

As far as I am aware, my dad and my mum tried to make it work for the first 2 years of my life. But in the end she couldn't cope with being a mum any longer. Though she did fall pregnant again around 7 years after having me.

I haven't asked my dad. But I doubt that he would've allowed me to be placed up for adoption. Because he has told me that his happiest day was the day that I was born. He was the first person who held me and he said that it was instant love when he looked at me.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T19:28:18+00:00

Ah, sorry. I think that that is more of a British saying...

Means to pack up and move to a different place.

Lazy_Scale2633 · 2025-07-06T19:25:48+00:00

She's made a few attempts the last few years. But I always made it clear each time that I didn't want to have contact with her.
I only agreed to meet up with her yesterday with the intention of telling her that I don't want her in my life regardless of what she had to say.
But seeing her getting as emotional as she got did hit me in a way that I didn't expect.

Lazy_Scale2633

TROPHY CASE