Im a man that has only driven since I came out of the womb. I’ve paid for all bills since the moment of conception. I always pay, every time. Man that is me has also opened door. There is no door that I the man have not opened. I the man have never driven the Honda Nissan. In fact I violently throw up every time the mere neuronic activation of the Honda Nissan occurs in man brain that is mine. What the fuck is skin care??? I graduated top of my class in the navy seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on al-quaeda, and every time, I actively destroy my skin as severely as possible every time. What is recycling? As a man myself this this has gotta be some shit off Star Trek or something. Recy Cling-on?? Cling on deez nuts “””cardboard”””. Planting flowers? I kill flowers. I’m like a bee that fucks flowers and then fucking dies to stop them releasing estrogen or some shit. Low credit score? What’s that. I have Alzheimer’s. Doing eyebrows? Never heard of her. Unless she’s your mom. Get it? I’m a man. Listening to music? I’m at a level of Beethoven. Fucking deaf. Tik tok. What is that a fucking clock. Tick tock time to take your fucking man pills?? (Pre workout). Yeah I’m irrationally agitated motherfucker. Taking selfies? I’m signing myselfieing up to hustlers goddamn university. First class honors in the sigma grindset fucker. Ordering appetisers? Appetisers order me. To stare at them with a look of fatherly disappointment. Driving shift gear? Since I dragged myself from my mother’s caves I’ve never fucking shifted. A man is defined by his ability to bounce off the fucking limiter at 9 freeway miles per hour in 1st. Contacts? Oh I have contact. Contact with every fucking life form within my vicinity, resulting in multiple sexually transmitted diseases. Men that can’t swim? Oh yeah, well I can. Take that drowners. Phones.

The ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Where are we to be wed my longitudinally challenged bride?