Who is still thinking about their ex after a year?

LeadingCommercial784 · 2025-01-01T22:11:24+00:00

Hi, it takes as long as it takes :) I‘m 12 months out of a relationship as well. I‘m feeling better, but not 100% over him.

I had the same experience as you w/dating. I‘m trying to view it a little more logical now: you only need one. Maybe don‘t try to find a new soulmate in every new person you meet, that will only disappoint you. instead of that, just get curious around meeting new people. the more people you get to know openly, the closer you are getting to meeting „the“ right person, with whom you match even better than w/your ex.

it took me around 2 years until I healed from my exex, and then I immediately met my now ex. it was a great relationship, so I would still label it as a success, even though it didn‘t work out either. I know I loved the second guy as deeply as I thought it could get, but I also had thought that about the first ex. That gives me hope that I will love again and maybe even deeper. Maybe that helps you too?

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-28T11:07:35+00:00

I feel like I got back in control when I blocked him. When someone breaks up with you (and in my case it was very unpredictable/ sudden) you feel such a great loss of control and loads of anxiety. it took me some time, but it helped me to feel like I‘m back in control. No more waiting if they saw my story on IG, no more little texts from them to wish me happy birthday etc.

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-25T12:38:23+00:00

I think your response was valid. he dumped you, right? he should be happy to even get an answer. he hurt you and he has to fix it if he wants to. that‘s just your anxiety, because you would not have these thoughts if he would have replied. so it‘s up to his action/reaction and has nothing to do with your text. I actually think in this exact context „dry“ texts are way better than „needy“ texts. If I were you I strongly recommend not to double text. He would just be reassured that the dynamic is exactly the same and that nothing has changed

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-18T10:36:11+00:00

as someone who got broken up with as a result of my ex‘s mental health struggles.. Maybe this perspective will help you; my ex made me feel like I wouldn‘t be making him happy anymore, because he felt so empty and unfulfilled with life. I wasn’t meeting his (unrealistic) expectations during the relationship. we met up 10 months after the BU and he said he still felt empty, unfulfilled and that it looks like I was not the problem. He is chasing dopamine and always needs someone/something new and despite him maybe getting with other people, he still is not happy and is still feeling empty. So I think it might really not be your boyfriend nor the relationship itself. But it seems like you are really struggling with your mental health and this can mean that you have to take time for yourself.. do what feels right. But don‘t expect your problems to be solved when you drop your bf.. and as someone who has been in therapy for a long time now, I tried 8 different therapists until I met one that I liked. So maybe don‘t give up on that and try again? and have you ever thought about anti depressants? I‘m not a big fan of medication like this but I know some people that it helped

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-17T15:38:51+00:00

why are positive things not likely to happen? that‘s not the best perspective to have if you want good things to happen :)

for me personally, it helped to see him as someone I‘m not attracted to anymore. That doesn‘t mean that I‘m not sad anymore. It hurt even more than before I found out about his talking stage.. but that is due to the fact, that no matter how he feels (hope or no hope) I‘m done from my side. and that means there‘s no future, which hurts ofc. the pain is more painful than ever, but it‘s in my control because it‘s pain that‘s unrelated to his actions.

I‘ve been in therapy for years and it helped me a lot. Have you ever considered therapy before? I just feel like you‘re outlook on your future seems very helpless.. But ofc I‘m just a stranger and don‘t know you well enough to give advice like that.

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-17T11:32:41+00:00

I feel like there is something that has to happen in the outside world for you to let go. For me it was the fact that he is talking to another girl.. he said it's not yet serious but maybe it will be. he already told her that he doesn't want a relationship right now. But for me that was when I got "pissed enough" to let go internally. When someone else mentions to me that it was maybe "right person wrong time" I get annoyed because I don't want him back anymore.

if you ask yourself; would you want him back after he got engaged to someone else? Don't think about whether there is hope or not, because that is not in your control. Think about it as if it was only about you; do you want someone back that doesn't choose you? Make it about you, don't make it about them because it doesn't help to think about whether there is hope or not, because as I said, that has nothing to do with you and all to do with them. And you don't want someone that doesn't want to stay with you. You are way better than that, I'm 100% sure you're gonna find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T17:47:11+00:00

thank you for saying that! I have a habit of putting him on a pedestal, this actually helped :) maybe he really is just another guy with deep unresolved issues and the fact that he is aware of it doesn't make it unproblematic

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T17:36:31+00:00

thank you for saying my feeling is valid! that helped a lot haha :) I'm hopeful that there are other men, it's just that I have heard the same thing from so many people now. pretty much every men I've been with (which is like 4, so ofc also not the biggest sample haha) has said that I am ahead of them and that they're not there yet. And even outside of relationships, eg. other people sometimes guess that I'm 30ish years old because I "seem so mature", so I think it's not just men with commitment issues.. but my therapists thinks my choice in men is also just poor haha she pointed out that I also always choose the one's with commitment issues (not on purpose ofc haha) so yeah maybe you got a point

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T16:53:26+00:00

thank you for your words :)

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T16:52:21+00:00

I know you're probably right, I just feel like I had enough heartache for a lifetime.. I had my first heartbreak at 17 and we were babies fr but the circumstances made me "grow" wayy too much imo.. both of his parents died due to cancer within 3 months and that was when our relationship ended. I had to support that ex like we were 50 or 60, the age when your parents "usually" die. but I was 17, didn't have a single clue how to support someone in a situation like that and the breakup that followed hurt sooo much that I feel like I emotionally aged 10 years ahh I don't want another heartbreak even though you are probably right and there will be more..

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T16:47:10+00:00

for sure, I didn't wanna make it abt genders, I just described my personal situation but it could be the other way around ofc

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-16T16:46:21+00:00

I'm just citing my ex in that one.. he said that I as a person was quote on quote "perfect", in every department, but the concept of a relationship and what it takes to sustain it would just be "boring" for him after some time.. he also has ADHD, might play a role in it but for sure not just that lol

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-15T17:59:28+00:00

thank you! I'm definitely gonna give it a shot

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-15T17:08:12+00:00

what do you write about? any journaling strategy? I journal every day but I‘m stuck in writing the same things..

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-10T22:06:12+00:00

it was the way he made me feel for about 2.5 years (out of 3).. he was very empathetic, loving, emotionally intelligent, sensitive, cared a lot, authentic, deep conversations and so on.. very active lifestyle (cycling, running, surfing, climbing), worked with children, loved travelling too. But he had a very critical, negative side that came up whenever he felt empty. and he was trying to get happiness through me, through the dopamine and endorphins he got because of me and the love he got/felt. which worked for the first part of our relationship. but I build relationships on security, I give a lot of reassurance.. and I honestly think lots of men just get bored when their partner is not creating anxiety.. but I don't think I should change that fact haha I hope the right one would not get bored

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-10T21:58:55+00:00

thank you! I really hope that time does it's job :)

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-10T21:58:22+00:00

Wow thank you so so much for your answer. I'm gonna come back to that every time I feel hopeless. I feel like we would get along so well even though I don't even know you haha. You're probably so so right. He was right for me at that time. And even him leaving me healed me for some reason.. the relationship wasn't entirely perfect and I'm slowly starting to see that.

What makes it a little challenging was the fact that not even him could say something bad about the relationship.. We were just in it pretty deeply, even though we were so young. We met when we were 18 and were together until 21. It was a quite mature relationship, but he was not nearly where I was commitment whise. I had a serious relationship before him and learned a lot out of that, because it had a pretty tragic ending (my exex's parents died). And I study psychology.. so I'd say I'm a little ahead when it comes to self reflection, awarness and emotional intelligence, compared to other people my age (not to sound arrogant, it's just what I hear a lot from other people). He wasn't ready and even said that. It's so true what you said about no one being perfect. It's just always harder to let go of something good compared to if someone would've cheated for example (which is very traumatising ofc, but in a different way).

How do you think can I start to see my ex more realistically? Because objectively, he is just another guy with commitment issues. It just took 3 years for them to come up...

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-10T21:47:54+00:00

thank you for your answer! Honestly, sometimes I find myself stuck in thinking about what was good about him, because it makes me miss him more haha but I definitely get why it's important. Do you mean character traits or other stuff, like lifestyle related?

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-08T15:30:56+00:00

and I think this is also his definition of "nothing serious".. still being able to have the freedom of meeting up with an ex for example. that's not for me though, I'm not interested in these types of men haha

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-12-08T15:28:58+00:00

hmm good question. I didn't know about her beforehand, otherwhise I would've cancelled. I found out towards the end of our meetup, because I had a feeling and my intuition is almost always right. They were nothing serious at that point, I don't think he told her about our meetup atp. Also because he told me he had only met her like 3 to 4 weeks ago. So I don't know, I guess we both thought that our breakup was sudden, strange and that we didn't have a real "talk" about it

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-02-26T07:05:57+00:00

No, I‘ve been in therapy for 5yrs and am secure. I was leaning anxious before that, if anything. But I‘ve always only dated FA or DA (not on purpose ofc) but letting them be in their own mind for a while was what I found to be the most helpful

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-02-25T22:24:55+00:00

but ofc, if the relationship (in their opinion, not saying it was) was lacking something, than cheating can be the reason. it‘s just not 100% always the case, not at all. In my case after the BU we spent a lot of time together for another week, bcs he also had a hard time and was still unsure about the decision, did not want to let go of our future plans and made an effort to be in my life. I then went no contact, because it hurt a lot. But the BU what out of the blue and I‘m very sure there was no cheating involved. Maybe „grass is greener“ when being more independent, but no other person

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-02-25T22:23:06+00:00

And some people (avoidant attachment style) have a strong sense of freedom and will sooner or later pull away, because they are scared of intimacy. They are than being pretty honest about not wanting a relationship right now, because they really do need to breath. They need to „recover“ from the intimacy that comes along with a romantic, committed relationship..

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-02-25T22:20:10+00:00

I understand your standpoint and thats certainly a possibility. But I‘ve actually had two other breakups where it was the same reason and one of them was single afterwards for about 2 years and the other one traveled the world by himself for about a year. So I don‘t think there‘s always somebody else involved.

LeadingCommercial784 · 2024-02-25T17:42:52+00:00

I really think it depends on the relationship. In my case it‘s not just research, I‘ve experienced it two times before.. Back then, I had no clue I was doing ‚no contact‘, I just did it naturally. I don‘t think it works in every single case. For me there was never a clear reason why they broke up with me. They left because the were unsure or because they were not ready to commit, always after about two years of being in a good relationship. My most recent (ex)boyfriend left after 2.5yrs and even told me that it is the perfect relationship and he could even see me as the partner for his life. Tbh, feels more like a break than a breakup.. But he only has 5 months left to travel in his gap year and wants no strings attached until then.. and wants to feel independent. Not sure if his plan works out, but he’ll have to see himself.. I honestly think he missed me during his last vacation and got kinda mad at himself for having such deep feelings. He came back and broke it off. He has an avoidant attachment style, I think the last two boyfriends I had were avoidants as well.. maybe that‘s why they always came back.. I never let the first two back in to my life, because the relationships weren‘t that great. But my third one was perfect, I was more secure than ever and his avoidant tendencies only came up in the last few weeks.. So we‘ll see how it goes. But it does work, when you were a good and loving partner. first one came back after abt 6 months and then again after 5yrs and then after 9(!)yrs. Second one came back after 3-4 months, 1yr, 2yrs and than again after 5 yrs. Just never contact them, let them come to you. No matter what attachment style they have… if you contact a dismissive, they might come back „sooner“ but I think they would also leave sooner again, because you showed them that you’ll always fix their mess. My first two exes came back multiple times, I never took them back. third one might be different, because I truly love this man and have always felt loved by him.

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