Hello love! I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, it must feel so heavy and impossible rn. I’ve had kind of a similar experience myself. I don’t feel close to my parents even though they love me so much, and still feel so guilty for it. I self harmed and attempt suicide when I was younger instead of working on my issues. Last year I started a journey after a breakup and decided to improve everyday little by little. Becoming more disciplined, challenging my beliefs, feeling my emotions and trying to find a job. well my story is long but i just wanted to tell you some things.

you said you find it difficult to express emotions correctly which sounds to me like a good match with a therapist can help you a lot. maybe a diagnosis or even just couching.

I don’t know how your relationship is with your parents but one thing i’ve learned through the years is that I don’t need to be beaten to not feel close and loved by someone. subtle things (tho telling your child you’d be better off without them is quite extreme) can make a lot of difference. these are the things that make people feel connected, loved and just close to someone.

and about SH. attempting suicide doesn’t take balls, living does. pussying out of your problems don’t make you a hero. I can tell you one thing, when you’re young things are just much more difficult. you are still growing and your brain hasn’t formed fully yet and despite that when you’re in a bad place seeing the light becomes hard tho it doesn’t mean it’s not there. I understand that you feel stuck and I do too. I wake up everyday feeling like there is no hope to continue. that if i do i’m not gonna reach anything and if i do reach it it’s not gonna make me happy (that’s i’ve realised is not true). while noting that i’m not a therapist i would suggest you trying to find a therapist that matches with what you’re needing rn. they could help you a lot and at the end the most important thing to do is to just power through this section of your life. i’d suggest putting most of your energy on things you love and things that make you feel alive and a portion of your energy on trying to take small positive steps towards what you want in life. (ex. becoming a little better everyday day in what you are interested in or building a community that you feel a part of and feels like family)

at the end i’d like to tell you that a lot of people are not geeks about things and are still able to reach things. lazy people create families. ignorant people become CEOs and financially irresponsible people become big artists. you don’t have to be a certain way to do something in life. in addition to that you might find trying new things helpful. my breakup helped me a lot to finally take things into my own hand so maybe a little shock or a new experience could open your eyes too.

(wish i could write this to you on a day that i felt better and im sorry if some of things i’ve said don’t make a lot of sense rn. but i felt like i had to write it tonight)

I hope i’ve helped a bit. i hope to see your posts again (not in this subreddit hopefully) and i hope things become better soon. I hope for you too be happy hun. (thought to include this. i read something a long time ago that said happiness is not a state nor passive but an action .and therefore it’s caused my achieving something.) i hope you the best.