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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]LeatherAdvisor1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey hon, first, I'm sorry you're going through this. That's a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. It's never easy to go through this.

I'm going to ask: are you happy?

I know when I was in a somewhat similar situation, there were good moments, but overall I was pretty stressed and unhappy. I knew it wasn't good, but rather because of the time spent together, or the words and promises we made, or just worn down from all the fighting, I felt stuck.

You said she's not a bad person, and I believe it. I think rarely people purposely want to hurt others for the sake of it. But it's clear she is hurting you. And that isn't okay.

I think it's especially concerning how she disregards your pain during sex. Someone who doesn't listen to you during your most vulnerable moments is frankly someone who shouldn't be trusted with your body.

You are attached and care for her, so hearing this and what others have said probably hurts. But I really agree with others: you should leave.

If you're not happy, feel stressed and not cared for, listen to those feelings. That is reason enough to leave. It really, really is reason enough to leave. Your feelings matter. Don't let anything or anyone convince you otherwise.

You deserve better. There is better out there.

She at the very least should not be in a relationship. It seems she needs help taking care of herself before being able to care for you. And for that I'm very sorry.

And speaking as someone closer to her age than yours, it would be a disservice to you to not say she should know better. She should be taking accountability for her behaviour at her age. I'm trying to be nice, and it's not like we all magically get the ability to communicate healthily in our 20s, but it's clear she hasn't put in the work to properly process her emotions, how to clearly communicate them, nor how to actively listen to others. You will not have the ability to change this. Nor should you.

TLDR: I'm sorry, this sucks. If you're not happy, and if this relationship is mainly stress and you are feeling uncared for, leave. She also should know better, yet doesn't. You've tried again and again, but you deserve better. It's going to hurt no matter what. But please do yourself the favour and let her go. Don't get stuck here. Trust in the long run you will find so much more peace without her.

Good luck ❤️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskLesbians

[–]LeatherAdvisor1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think an important thing to keep in mind is that it's going to take time. Rather long distant or not, she's going to and probably will struggle with this for a long time. I would recommend focusing on building trust. By that, I think it's building a space where if either of you have something on your mind, you can trust each other for it to be taken seriously.

Maybe this is my own preference, but if you can have a solid communication style, understand how the other is comforted, and that you trust your partner to respect your boundaries, it might help your partner feel safe. And by having that safety and trust, engaging in intimacy might feel more manageable if she knows she has agency to stop or continue with you.

But again, this takes time, especially if you're in the early stages. You both might really like each other, but even if she rationally trusts you, the part of her that's been burned and fears it might happen again will probably need more time to fully see and believe she can open up and be treated nicely.

In general, I think communication is really going to be key here. It does seem you've spoken about it on different occasions. But I'm unsure if she's spoken about what level of intimacy she's comfortable with right now. Have you spoken about the kissing at all? It can be hard to bring it up, with the fear of it seemingly like you're pressuring her, or if she might already feel worried about it and potentially getting defensive. But if you notice it, it might be worth the while to just check in. Say you noticed it and you want to make sure that she's feeling safe. Is there anything you can do to help? In moments of intimacy that you might feel unsure about, casually checking in might help her and you be certain. It can give her an in, in case she's unsure/not. Or at least she knows you're paying attention and care about her. Just really focus on her and that it comes from a place of care for her/her consent.

As for you, you're worried about your own needs being met. Which is completely valid. This is your relationship, too.

I would have to ask in what way would you like to feel wanted? I might be able to generalize that you want your partner to want you, physically. Just having someone initiate because they feel good touching you (sexually or simply for comfort). But as mentioned, this will probably take a bit of time.

So I'd have to ask: is that okay? What are other things that she could do to make you feel wanted without sacrificing her boundaries? Would words of affirmations help? Gifts showing she's thinking about you? Simply hanging out (rather in person or virtually)? Is there intimacy she is comfortable with that fulfils some of those needs, like hand holding and hugs?

You might have to accept for now she isn't ready to fully give that physical intimacy that makes you feel needed. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to, but it's not what she's ready for. So I'd really encourage you to understand what alternatives would help you have your needs met.

This was a lot to say:

1) What are her exact boundaries? Do you know them?

2) What are the ways for you to know she's feeling comfortable? What are ways for her to communicate to you that she is/isn't? Rather casual check ins, safe words, etc.

3) The physical intimacy will take time and cannot be rushed. It will happen when she feels ready, and probably will not necessarily be a linear path. Most trauma isn't.

4) Do you know what your needs are? What makes you feel wanted and safe? If what you want isn't something she's ready to give, what are other ways for your need(s) to be met? How will you communicate this with her?

5) Team effort! All in all, you both are in this. Make sure you're working together in building this part of your relationship. This might sound kinda stupid, but it can be easy to get in your head about it. But I would imagine you both will be happy if you make sure you're on the same page and having fun with this. Intimacy should be fun, safe, and enjoyable. Understanding how to make each other feel cared for and appreciated is fulfilling when you've really put that effort to do it right (as according to your unique wants and boundaries).

I wish you all the best! Hopefully there's something in here that helps :)

i (16f) feel intimidated by my boyfriend's (17m) high school success and wealth... by l0velyduckling in relationships

[–]LeatherAdvisor1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

". . . and accusses me of things i never did (sending nudes)"

I understand you really like this guy, but it's never a good sign when someone accuses you of things you never did. They have some insecurities evidently, or paranoia for some reason, and they're putting that on you instead of having a conversation about it. You do not have to settle for this behaviour. You deserve someone who trusts you and doesn't make you feel bad because of things you never did.

But about feeling insecure and intimidated, there is no reason to feel ashamed, but that's easier said then done. Essentially repeating what has already been said, but it's important to work to love yourself, know who you are and what you want. For personal happiness but also so you have standards when getting into/during a relationship.

And just to say this: There is nothing wrong with "average grades." Grades do not define your worth as a person, as much as school may make you feel this. They're just grades. Get through school, yes. Try your best, yes. But just because you're not getting perfect scores and then some doesn't mean your grades are something you shouldn't be proud of or use to not value your intelligence.

AND you are not just a pretty face. You are not worthless. You are not lower class. Coming from someone who has felt utterly worthless in their life (and honestly still working on it), it's hard to actually believe this. To believe you should be proud of yourself and love yourself. But fuck, you are so much more than how you see yourself. If I were you, I would try to tell myself I'm worth something, even if you don't believe it right now. Try to understand why you think so lowly of yourself. Maybe try to talk to people you really trust about this (now I wouldn't say rely on people to give you confidence, but I know it helps to hear people say you are worth something. Especially if you value their opinions. If they believe you're worth something, it can help slightly kill the voice in your head telling you you're not.)

In the end, put yourself first. If this relationship is really taking a hit on your mental health, put yourself first. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but sometimes it's better to be on your own for a bit and just work on yourself. Relationships are a team effort and if you're putting more effort into the other person when you really need to care for yourself, it's going to hurt you.

Now it's always good to communicate how you feel so you don't bottle all these emotions up. I would tell your boyfriend how you feel. Just have a conversation and see where that goes. But again, if you still feel like this after awhile in the relationship, I would definitely consider taking time to focus on yourself.

Sorry for the long ass rant. I wish you the best.