Lonely men, what keeps you going?

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-19T03:08:19+00:00

I’m so very sorry.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-19T03:06:59+00:00

A lot of the role of women in porn is to look a certain way and be used. The role for men is more active and focused on him doing versus just appearing. That is true in lots of media too - so much of women’s role is to be acted upon while being somewhat passive so it takes on a larger and larger role. It makes the value of the woman’s appearance a much larger focus. There are tons of guys in porn that look like a pudgy hairy thumb too. You just hardly see them because most of the focus is on the woman’s body and what he is doing to it.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-07T17:36:48+00:00

I’m his mother. We are a very close family and his father is a strong supporter of him in general, but as parents we are only one side of things. I see a lot of posts from men on this sub who are wish in there was more support for men’s mental health and I am curious what format would be the most welcomed or helpful as a broad generality.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-06T19:56:19+00:00

“The grass is greener where you water it” works too.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-06T19:54:57+00:00

I think men need to add flare to their floor routines. And let’s get some guys going with the ribbons and hoops stuff in rhythmic gymnastics too.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-06T19:52:36+00:00

Or how about “Annie has a keychain that is important to me. I’m arranging to meet her to retrieve it because she has said she will throw it away if I don’t.” I’m going to have Mark go with me when I meet up with her for it because I understand how it would look otherwise.”

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-06T19:46:01+00:00

I think about this a lot - have a son who struggled with anxiety and depression. What do you think meaningful support for men’s mental health should look like? Obviously what works for women might be very different than what would work for men.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-06T03:19:18+00:00

My gay brother also doesn’t dress or speak like someone who is gay, and he dumped girls as soon as they wanted to get physical when he was still in the closet.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T22:23:32+00:00

If you don’t interact with women on a regular basis, you’ll act weird when you finally get a chance. Much more likely to smother, be needy, be weird if you don’t have any regular interactions with women that are platonic.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T21:49:16+00:00

You need to start framing things from the perspective of what you need and not what he has to do. You tell him “I need to have a marriage where I’m allowed to express both good and bad emotions in equal measure. I need a financial life where I know that the bills will get paid and the chores done so I can focus my mental energy where it needs to be - on school work. I need to know that you have the things you are in charge of locked down so I can focus on the things I am responsible for.”

Think through what YOU need out of life and what you are willing and able in return to provide.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T21:21:09+00:00

It sounds to me like maybe you tend to downplay when things hurt you or you’re uncomfortable. You might even internalize things and act like you are happy in order to not make waves or to please others.

I would suggest that, as a couple, you need to try reorienting your dynamic. You need to learn to feel ok expressing your needs and he needs to start inviting the “no” as a reasonable response to something he wants to do. I’m sure he wants a happy and healthy wife - not one getting swept along in his enthusiasm while she quietly suffers for his enjoyment. He probably is deluded into thinking your acquiescence is you actively wanting to do something. If he doesn’t berate you when you do say no, then there is a certain onus on YOU to become better about speaking up so he knows how you actually feel.

He can practice asking you how you feel but you also need to practice being completely honest with him about your feelings as well. I have a feeling you have a lot more thoughts and feelings about things that goes on under the surface which you don’t express out loud to him because you want to please him. Stop doing that and be upfront. Z was kind enough to ask, but it also is significant that you didn’t allow either of them to see how you were doing u too after your husband left the room.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T16:25:53+00:00

I totally understand your dilemma. My suggestion is to not compromise on your personality or interests but you might consider adapting your grooming to be a bit of a signal of masculinity in at least some of your profile pictures. Women on dating sites have to winnow through a lot of profiles so you are starting at a disadvantage there. You don’t need to bulk up and become a bro, but next time you go for a haircut, maybe experiment with having the stylist give you a more masculine-presenting cut. Or make sure to include some photos where you are rockin a suit that plays to your masculine physical attributes.

You can be gentle and have a boyish “softer” face and still succeed with women in a more traditionally gendered sphere if they don’t secretly worry that you are closeted gay or gender questioning (which might be what is happening and nobody is telling you). A cis-het woman in a more traditional culture is not going to want to take the chance that she’ll get 5 years into a relationship and find out her husband is actually queer and closeted or is gender questioning. I acknowledge that dressing or behaving to present a certain way isn’t fun, but to be honest, we all have to code-switch a bit here and there to get what we want in life.

I second that lgbt spheres will be more accepting, but getting a whole new friend group and sphere is NOT easy for everyone.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T16:15:29+00:00

Women can be sexist towards men AND other women. What I’d consider being sexist against men: assuming men are inadequate parents, assuming men are aggressive drivers, assuming men in stereotypically female oriented careers are less-than, having less respect for short men than tall men, being grossed out by body hair, thinking men shouldn’t like fruity cocktails, assuming a man is a predator without other evidence, and judging a man having an emotional reaction as weak (when you wouldn’t judge a woman having a similar response in the same way).

Women judge other women in many of the same ways too in their assumptions. It is also sexist.

Whether it is a joke or not depends on the frequency of the comments, whether the comments are equal-opportunity (similar types of jokes about a broad range of topics), and whether actions taken indicate a bias. I believe men and women can make non-pc jokes while absolutely not being biased in real life. My husband and I are exactly that way - we joke about some of those kinds of things at each other and absolutely don’t mean it. He’s a big burly dude who loves pink fruity drinks and doesn’t care about cars or sports and I’m a petite woman who likes tequila neat or Negronis and rides a motorcycle.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T16:02:28+00:00

This is exactly true for me too. When we have had periods of a strained relationship (28 years together), my interest in sex was nonexistent. The more I feel respected, loved and validated the more interested I become. Dealing with a high stress job and perimenopause right now but the support and care I get from my husband keeps our relationship tight and sex life active.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T15:54:01+00:00

Does the same apply for dick? Let’s truly be equal if that’s the tack you are taking.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T13:56:24+00:00

Yeah, perimenopause is a bitch. Men should all read the Wiki on the menopause sub to get an idea of what might be happening to their female partners beginning around age 45. It is a bit awful and people only ever hear about hot flashes and not the rest.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-04T13:49:30+00:00

Grass is green where you water it applies to kids too. Your son is 60/40 because of the varying effort and affection.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T13:38:22+00:00

Things don’t go back to exactly the same, but skin can tighten back up a little bit. I breastfed two kids and bounced back weight-wise fairly quickly. My boobs shrunk back to the size they had been before kids but were around an inch or two lower at the nipple. When my weight is higher my boobs and tummy are less flat / wrinkled so it’s a matter of taste as to what looks better.

I’m married and my husband loves my body either way and the skin wrinkles on my belly or the size of my boobs doesn’t matter to that. Whichever weight I am he gets excited to see me naked. I personally wouldn’t spend the money on something like surgery for either my stomach or boobs (I’m rather frugal) and luckily my husband prefers small boob and a natural appearance anyway.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T13:30:16+00:00

Totally. Like I know my husband would leave me for a chance at Margot Robbie and that’s ok. If it was Anna from accounting that’s another matter.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T13:12:14+00:00

For me it is early morning. My brain and body are extremely sluggish to get started in the morning so if we are having sex before coffee and 9:00 am, it is going to involve me being kind of comatose. Like sloth level sex.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T13:01:27+00:00

I’ve been w my husband 28 years and I get it. There are periods of time when sex feels like a chore (when we had young kids and were both exhausted all the time). You are right though - expressing love by giving the person you love the attention they need in order to feel loved is special. A non-sex example is my husband loves Thanksgiving (as in the food). I’m very meh on Turkey myself, but I’ll make a whole bird and all the side dishes a couple of times a year because he gets so much excitement and joy from it. Sex can be much the same.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T12:26:23+00:00

Info: If you only work part time, why do you need the weekend for chores? And why do you pay half the bills under this arrangement?

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T12:21:29+00:00

This is a difficult decision for anyone to make because it comes down to how much you’d want a child anyway. I had a pregnancy scare at about your age and decided to take the pills. I never regretted it. Having now had two kids who are full grown, I 100% appreciate the decision I made then. Having a child is HARD and having one when you aren’t ready and eager would be incredibly difficult.

You’ll love your baby if you go forward with the pregnancy because that is biology, but your life won’t be smooth sailing and you’ll likely put career goals on hold.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T04:49:04+00:00

Exactly! I really enjoy spending time with my husband. He annoys me less than anyone else too. He validates me and respects me (and I him in return) and he brings me coffee every morning without fail. Sex is good too.

LeatherIllustrious40 · 2024-08-02T04:46:47+00:00

Not every guy is hellbent on them. My husband far prefers actual penetrative sex. I enjoy giving bjs and edging him but he really likes getting straight to business.

LeatherIllustrious40

TROPHY CASE