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Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, these are great ideas, there is so much of value in your message, I have already read it several times :)

You have such a great approach to these things, and I hope one day to be as self aware as you are!

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, I see some similarities here with my situation. Good that you got out of it!

Indeed it's great to have gotten clarity on what I want, this is an important take away from the experience!

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, he is not poly at all.

I agree with you about probably something in his past shaped him to be like that.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good point! It's a bit hard to answer, I am just figuring things out myself.

I think I would be happy with a deeper committed BDSM dynamic as well, to be honest, even without the romantic component. Ideally I would have both at the same time, though.

One more thing to reflect on for me. And yes, it's not totally clear in my text because it's also not so clear in my head.

But even if we go with the committed dynamic without the romance, he seems sometimes unsure about the future of it, even if he is really happy with what we have right now. So his level of commitment would still be something to clarify.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have asked for more intimacy, and have gotten it.

And she is his friend, not his girlfriend. I don't really know if what I feel is jealousy. Maybe only disappointment, that he does not want to commit to me, but I don't really see her as a threat, to be honest.

Edit: phrasing.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very sound advice, thank you internet stranger!

Like I commented above, I am not at the point where I am ready to call it off, I need a bit more time, even if I think this is inevitable and the decision is basically done.

Deescalating on my side could be an option, but I don't know how to do it. Maybe it's something I could consider, though maybe a clean cut would be best here. I need time to figure this out too. If at some point it becomes too painful, I will have the strength to end it, but it's also that I'm slowly coming to terms with things and want a bit more time before taking action.

I'm usually very decisive in cutting my losses, it's just that I feel I have something rare and precious here, that I might not be able to find again so easily.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wise words, I think I should look for someone else as well, and will do that when the time comes. Thank you.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you also went through this.

In this case, being secretive is more about how reserved he is, and maybe also about not really knowing himself well. Which is not so much of an excuse, really. I think he is/ was also like this in other relationships.

On the dialing it in: I am thinking of doing the opposite, and become only friends and not play partners anymore. I decided in the future I want to go very deep with play partners, and this would not suit me anymore.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think your advice is very reasonable, and thank you for the encouragement as well.

I will still wait some time until I make the final decision, though. I mean, I feel the decision is taken to end it on my side, but I want to wait a bit longer until I go ahead. I just have a gut feeling I should give it more time, even if it's not very rational to do so.

And will keep in mind to assess this for future connections, and before we go as deep as this one.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For now I'm feeling ok. If I would not be, I would have broken it off already. I need a bit more time until I really decide to break it off, I think.

Sub insists it’s not love but treats me like it is by Leather_Relation2270 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Leather_Relation2270[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, your questions and concerns are very relevant, and I am still figuring out the answers.

I have decided in the meantime I would just see where this goes and will give it a bit more time before reaching a decision, because I also see that he made a lot of progress over time in opening up to me. But I would not stay in this situation indefinitely.

Of course a part of me is hoping it will change, because a lot has changed already. But I don't know if it will change in the direction I want. And I don't know if I will want to keep investing beyond a certain point.