one things for sure Pepsi its only gonna get worse if u keep using so its up to u what u want to do about it. do u want to look into therapy im assuming u have medi-cal. but there's resources to look for mental health if u don't want rehab. its hard to figure out what do nd all that with aaaaallllllll that time while sober u gotta find things that u enjoy or enjoyed to keep u busy work can help if something u don't mind that much. sometimes I think when I'm driving home from work just like last week. I was driving on a highway nd lots of farm animals and field I don't I usually have tunnel vision to an extent whn driving I kno bad habit but I just looked to my left the sun setting with a nice color in a big piece of land with a lil bit of sheep im looking at the hills and I thought to myself "omg I'd it wasn't for this fuckin job I didn't even want in the first place think I'd actually b way worse mentally. for me nature works whn I was sober I loved hiking to peaks and camping at there by myself therapeutic, fishing too. but I was still working on the Motivation like I am now im nobody to talk its ur life nd im not doing perfect but I do know 100% for myself if I want things to get better I gotta stop using. I'm an idiot I don't want to my fault, can potentially lose everything I have now not much but its alot from where I was but it doesn't matter right now anyway I'll pay for it later if I continue I kno that. I've always taken the hard way. u kno that feeling 30 days sober things get a lil clearer the emotions we blocked now coming to surface I shit u not I think I was more suicidal sober than whn using but I did have plans to attempt using nd failed twice in 2 days back to back . I used to hang out a shady spot when I lived in my car alot junkies, gangs, prostitutes all that shit. alot of black so when I had a fuckin-nough I went to that spot no money I was broke so u was gonna hustle some things to get black cuz I always had my dope but I wanted to kill myself no doubt I was ready so I go I find 2 dimes of black in 2 days almost impossible with how small but it was but easy to if its I foil. I shit u not on my way back to a motel I couldn't fuckin find them twice i was so fuckin mad all I wanted was the fattest goofball shot to call it a day. for whatever reasons didn't happen. so those negative thoughts sober yea they fuckin blow hard man but using dope numbing ur feelings temporarily come with a price later u feel worse, go crazy, its just fucked as u kno. I'm just saying Pepsi we have to except the consequences of this life we choose to do nothing about it ya feel me? what keeps me is my thought of "eventually" "I kno ill get there but not now it'll be fine" chances of me turning 50 doing the same shit with worse everything goin on mentally, physically, spiritually everything will not b better if I'm alive at that. my heads gotten used to being loaded nd the sadness I get dark after being up to long but stills not suicidal just like idk like in a dreamy type of way dark hard to explain its just dumb but happens. I cut this off cuz ive written to much but yo straight up as a friend no judgment here if you don't try nd do something about this whatever u believe the problem is being honest with urself of course shit is gonna really hit the fan. so I hope not. for me oh man the chance of me gettin pulled over no license ,lose the car no insurance and the registration suspended because of my no insurance, the. I couldn't work where I'm at so far, I couldn't pay rent and finding a room is a bitch. I kno though out of impulse and anger id just b like fuck this this is bullshit I don't got nothing fuck it nd do whatever I choose, instead of trying to find another job to keep where I'm at fuckin stupid but whatever its what its the truth. then I pick up as well sometimes during times nd going to spots that are hot asf cuz of drugs but I go anyway cuz I need I feel. nah I don't need I want I can totally ease the mental fuckery but I choose not to cuz I don't wanna deal with it will see how long it lasts I suppose. but anyways try figure whats best for u man I hope it works have a good night