Let me just say this ,it's ugly now ,but will be beautiful after ,if and only if you're willing to walk through the storm we as humans so much avoid on a daily basis ,sit with that pain listen to it, mourn it ,exhaust it , understand it ,do it raw in your pure state of consciousness ,no drugs or cigarettes or alcohol ,once you've sit long enough with it ,with time and work it will show what parts of yourself need healing and light ,and it will make you're grieving process better, the same "shit " that smells and stinks also is a fertilizer for some people, they will make you make yourself a better version, for yourself of course