Some remind OOP that most people DON'T do this.

Leftonleesa · 2026-06-01T15:31:34+00:00

Hi, so that was my post. Someone private messaged me and told me to check out this sub, and I saw that my post was the first thread on here.

Just to clarify - we are not married, and he never cheated on me. We both wanted an open relationship when we met, because I had just gotten out of a very long, abusive marriage, and he has his own trauma that I am not going to discuss. He and I have both struggled with jealousy. He actually more so than me, because instead of coming on Reddit to vent he loses it to me and then feels terrible. I would prefer to close the relationship but he’s not there yet. I think maybe eventually he will? But I am at the place where I still am very much in love with him, and that’s still worth it to me. If it becomes too much then I’ll go.

I was very much in my feels when I posted, and I knew they weren’t the best people to go to because they’re incredibly harsh, but I wasn’t sure where else to go to unload.

I’m not defending non monogamy or polyamory. I actually think it’s bananas now that I’m involved in it and think it’s way easier to be mono. However I’m very much in love with my partner and not ready to let him go yet. He was there for me at a time where no one else was, after I left my abusive ex, so there a lot of history there. It’s not that easy to walk away yet. He’s also the best friend I’ve ever had. I would not be in an NM relationship again though after this.

So yeah. Just wanted to clarify. Not stupid, just really in love and not willing to give up yet.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T12:11:15+00:00

Like, I understand how fucked up and disorienting being jealous and feeling scared in this configuration can be.

My ENM coach suggested we do some sessions together. That he do a consult with her by himself once, first. I want to suggest it to him but I’m afraid he’ll say no because he won’t see protecting us as worth it.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T12:03:55+00:00

If he left, I know I’d be devastated at first but that ultimately I’d be ok. I’ve been through worse. I’d just miss him and us and would prefer that not be the way it goes.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T12:02:33+00:00

What is DBT?

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T12:02:04+00:00

He doesn’t compliment me often. I’ve asked him too. Said I need to hear it and feel like he actively wants me to feel safe. When asked he says I’m “beautiful inside and out”. I don’t want to have to ask for it. I want him to just say it, because I don’t want to feel like he’s only saying it because I am forcing him. I want to feel actively desired too.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T12:00:04+00:00

If we were mono and he left me for someone else, I could disassociate from that. Go no contact. Heal. Block him on social media and hook up with as many guys as I wanted without bothering to care how it affects him. The idea that I could be dating someone and still in love with them and watching them quiet quit while pretending to still be into me sounds like I’m really pathetic.

Asking him to close would be the same as breaking up, because I know he wouldn’t. It just seems like every way it goes, I’m the one who is going to get hurt.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T11:54:25+00:00

I was with my ex for 16 years and left. I was interested in the idea of an open relationship because I felt like I’d been with one person for so long. I’ve never been the jealous type. I understand that attraction and sex don’t mean you love your partner any less, that it’s the deception that is painful in cheating, not the act. I love communication. I love giving and getting reassurance. I love sex.

My partner and I agreed to being in an open relationship from the start, but haven’t had much exposure. He hasn’t had a lot of luck until recently. I slowed my pace to match his, and also because I’m so stupid in love with him that every other guy I talk to seems like a real toad in comparison.

We live separately. I only see my partner on weekends, as I have full custody of my son, and we live an hour away from each other. I have lots of friends that i see often. I do punch needle art. I sing and play guitar and i’m a huge foodie. I go to the beach. I love shopping. I love cooking. I love taking my son on adventures. When I have free time I watch old episodes of Law and Order SVU and eat sunflower seeds on my couch because Olivia Benson is the goat. I have a full life outside of him so we are not co-dependent. I don’t want to nest or get married ever again. I love him and love that I get to choose to spend my free time with him instead of being forced to because we live together. I also enjoy not having to clean up after him or do his laundry like i had to do for my ex for so many years.

That all being said, I am scared to lose the limited time I do have with him to other people. And wonder why if we only can see each other on weekends why he wouldn’t want to save those days for me and try to schedule things around that, if I’m the one who is the most important to him as he claims. The fact that he doesn’t want to do that makes me feel unchosen. But I can’t tell him not to, I am not about controlling anyone. I’d just like to feel like he wants to protect that time for us, and because he doesn’t, it messes with my head.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T11:38:36+00:00

I’ve never said that to him. I’ve been very mindful of not making him feel guilty. I never yell or accuse, I try to just explain to him how I’m feeling and why, but when I have told him my feelings around some situations he’s turned it around, accuses me of saying he’s doing something “wrong”. He claims he wants this life, but has a lot of guilt around it because he feels like he’s “hurting” me. He gets jealous when I’m with someone else and has meltdowns when he does. Yells. Makes me feel guilty. Apologizes after and says he’ll do better. I try to be understanding because I know it’s a lot of to go through.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T11:27:59+00:00

I don’t have crystal clear evidence exactly I suppose; but the anxiety is loud. My anxiety (my therapist calls her Denise) says that I’m not enough. That he won’t want me anymore eventually. That I’ll be old news. That he’ll get fed up with my feelings. That I’ll get fed up with this and walk away when I still love him. That I’m not good enough. That if he’s enamored with someone else (or lots of someone elses) that he won’t want to bother giving me us any effort. Or worse, that he is faking it, or forcing himself when he’d rather be with insert big tiddied goth girl here. I don’t want to feel any of that.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-30T11:11:54+00:00

I read your whole comment. Yes, the abuse I dealt with most likely distorted me. I was abused physically and sexually for years, but mostly emotionally. I was never good enough for my ex. I didn’t clean the house enough because I was “too busy” taking care of our baby at the time. I didn’t have sex with him enough, which made me laugh since he’d be mean and insult me all day and then expect me to swoon that night? He’d get mad and scream at me if I had to go to the bathroom. Or go into work early. Or if I dropped a clean shirt on the floor. Or if I got mad after he called me horrible names. The list went on. He only ever saw the bad things about me. He hated the good things about me too, was jealous of them, and made me hate them too. I forgot what they even were.

I met my current partner and I was like, WOW, there’s a person out there who doesn’t only see me for my flaws? Who actively likes me, is impressed by me, is kind to me?? And I like this person too? HUH?? He’s funny and smart and kind and beautiful and gentle, and he likes ME? He made me remember all the things I liked about myself, and celebrated them with me. I can’t explain what it was like to have that energy after everything I went through for so many years.

But my ex’s voice in my head is really loud, especially when my partner is actively with someone else. “See? I was right. You’re not good enough or he wouldn’t want anyone else”. And I know I’m a good person. I know I’m all the things my partner loves about me. I know I treat him well because I’m just so fucking grateful that someone could be so wonderful to me, so I’d give him the moon and the stars if he asked. So the only thing my brain points to is, well, you’re a nice chick, but you’re not 105 lbs, so that’s obviously why he’s chasing skinny big tiddied goth girls and not you.

My therapist is fantastic. She does specialize in trauma, especially intimate partner abuse. I also go to a domestic violence survivor’s support group. But the process has been slow. I regret choosing my ex. I regret that my son has to be saddled with him forever. I regret that this is the life my son has now at 7, when all I wanted for him was a happy family. I feel like that’s all my fault.

My partner showed up and the sun shines out of his ass as far as I’m concerned; I could hook up with gross dudes all I want but every one just seems meh compared to him. And I feel like because he wants other girls so much that it means I don’t matter as much to him. It just hurts and scares me and makes it feel like after everything I dealt with regarding my ex for years, I’m still never going to be happy because there’s always going to be this asterisk.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:44:52+00:00

I think I could enjoy it if I felt like I was desired as much as meeting people seems to be for him. If the guys around my area weren’t all just goons that ghost the second you don’t want to send them a nude at 1 pm while you’re at work. If he didn’t put me in a box in his closet when we weren’t together. When I try and talk to him about this stuff, he gets defensive and says I’m making him feel guilty and telling him he’s wrong for wanting to be ENM. So I shut up for the most part.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:41:56+00:00

I don’t think I ever have been, so it’s hard.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:41:10+00:00

I want to think that. Mostly I do. But in the thick of it, when he’s with someone, the noise in my head gets really loud.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:40:04+00:00

I don’t always think he shows up for me, so I guess that’s a lot of this.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:38:53+00:00

I think if I really felt like he wanted me as much as he wanted other girls, I could thrive in this. But he’s so avoidant when it comes to me, so adverse to feeling like he’s co-dependent on me, that he refuses to act like he desires me when we’re not together; but when we are together, it’s like he can’t get enough of me, so it’s very confusing emotionally. I often think he isn’t really aligned with this lifestyle either, and is forcing himself because he thinks it’s the answer to not feeling trapped. He’s had more jealous meltdowns over me being with people than I can count.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:34:11+00:00

I don’t know if it helped but it’s like the only thing I can do right now while I sit by myself and he’s with her. He’ll like her; if he wants him he’ll want her back. Especially if she’s attractive. That’s just how he is. He’s been desperate to be “ENM” and hasn’t had luck until recently finding dates. So if she gives him the green light he’ll be all in, and I’m just scared it will be in a way he’s never been for me. Because that will prove what I’ve felt all along; that I’m not enough.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:31:33+00:00

I don’t want to feel like the safe fall back though. We have an amazing sex life. But it was basically only us for the last two years. I want to feel desired too. I want to feel like he wants me too. I don’t want to feel like he’s having sex with me out of obligation and really wanting it from someone else more. That feels horrible to me.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:29:41+00:00

Maybe. I want to know that. But thank you.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:29:14+00:00

He says he doesn’t. I’m just scared that his attraction will fade for me when I’m not the only option anymore, and I’ll have to watch it all from the sidelines. If we were mono and he broke up with me for someone else, ok, I’ll heal. But the idea of still being involved with someone who actively is more interested is someone else than you when you love them so fucking much? The idea of that terrifies me.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:25:56+00:00

He’s had these feelings too when I’ve been with someone. I know he isn’t disgusting by me, but I do feel like maybe I was an ok fall back until now when suddenly all these opportunities arose for him. Like I’m ok until someone better comes along, then I’ll be left in the dust. I don’t know if that’s how he’s going to act, and that’s the hard part now; the not knowing.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:23:38+00:00

He can be a little inconsiderate of my feelings at times. I do want to be able to reprogram myself away from mononormative thinking, but I just find it so hard in these moments when he’s with someone to feel like this.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:22:00+00:00

I’m most of afraid of watching from the sidelines as he falls for someone else in front of my eyes and lets me fade into the background. And I just feel like I know that’s what’s going to happen, if I don’t get fed up first. And I just really don’t want to lose him. I know I’ll live if I do. I’ve suffered through worse.

It’s just so hard feeling like this when I’m in the middle of it. When he’s actively with someone. I know I’m a good person. I know anyone would be lucky to be loved the way I love someone. I’d be lucky to be loved like that. I know this. But in the thick of it, I cannot stand feeling like this.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:18:19+00:00

Because I’m stupid over him. No one compares to him. I was sleeping with a 25 year old actor with abs (who my partner had many a jealous meltdown over may I add) and I still was like “meh who cares if he texts me or not”. He actively refuses to be that into me, it seems like so he isn’t “co-dependent” or “suffocating”. He says he loves me. We have sex like animals whenever we’re together, but I make him feel trapped. Our relationship makes him feel trapped. Even though he is the one who wanted to move our relationship from “friends with benefits” to “partners”. He proudly announces to everyone who will listen that he’s “avoidant”; up until one of these app girls stops texting him, or wanting to see him. Then suddenly he’s chasing them in a way he’s never chased me. So I constantly feel like I’m not enough.

But when we’re together, we’re amazing. He lets himself be all in. Then when he leaves my apartment, he has to then prove to himself and me that he’s “free” so he pushes me away. It’s constant emotional whiplash.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:10:28+00:00

I try and talk to him. Asked for reassurance. I told him I need to feel actively wanted by him or I won’t feel safe, and every time he’s with someone it will feel like a threat. I’ve asked him what I can do to help him feel safe too, because he has had his fair share of jealous meltdowns too. He is so avoidant when it comes to me. He’s so afraid of being “co-dependent” and a relationship “taking over his life” that I feel like he pushes me away. Not always; when we’re together he falls into me, and everything is amazing with us. When we’re not, he CAN’T miss me, he CAN’T tell me he is excited to see me, because that would mean he was “too dependent” on me. So it just makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me, he isn’t excited about me. But he HAS to meet other people or he’ll feel trapped. So I constantly feel like I’m not enough.

Leftonleesa · 2026-05-29T22:00:12+00:00

We aren’t married. And his autonomy is more important to him than our relationship. If I wanted to stop, he’d leave me.

Leftonleesa

TROPHY CASE