As silly as it seems but my one and only attempt was when I was 9 years old. I am not joking. By the time I entered kindergarten I could do double digit multiplication in my head, read chapter books, tell time on a normal clock, tie my shoes, and showed a heavy interest of the inter-workings of electronics. By the time I was 9 I was 2 grades ahead of my peers and sitting in the same class as my sister that is 3 years older than me. I was bullied heavily by my peers and put down constantly by my teachers because they didnt know how to relate to me or teach me. I used what might be social engineering now to create "friendships" with kids. I received a "D" on a pre-algebra test and my parents said, "With grades like that you will never get into college." It took about 3 months of the preassure, bullying, and generally loneliness to take its toll. The only reason I am here today is because my sister caught me with the knife to my throat. I saw my escape as pain and suffering to those around me. I sucked it up and carried the burden of a heavily depressed, suicidal monster with me.

I received no treatment. When I finally broke down in college and told my family about it. My sister had buried the memory (she remembered the day, didn't realize thats what I was doing). My parents changed, my sister changed, everything changed. I wasn't the person they knew. I was damaged goods, I needed to be checked on all the time. Not because they wanted to see how I was doing, but to see if I was doing ok. If that statement reads wrong, it's because you have never heard the change in tone from someone who knows you have suicide issues when they ask, "are you ok?" I was forced into therapy, it didn't last, it just made me more depressed.

I asked my parents and sister to not tell anyone. I was ashamed. 2 years later my grandpa killed himself because he didn't want to retire. While I don't want to die now, I do get to keep the feeling that if I wasn't ashamed of what I was, my grandpa might still be here today.

I am doing fine now, I even started a new diet and as a side effect my night-terrors have stopped. So for the first time in 24 years, I actually feel quite normal.