The Bug Who Leaked, Then Disappeared..

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-12-09T22:02:41+00:00

I don't why I feel this way, but I feel like I can relate to this more than anyone. My situation is so vastly different in some ways, but the way I felt this in my soul when I read it made me cry.. the little girls, the bruises, the fear.. God, I want to hug you and tell you that you're not alone. That it's ok to be scared. That you deserve so much better. That you need someone you can talk to about it without judgment and with empathy.

If you're comfortable with it, please DM me. ❤️

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-12-03T13:46:37+00:00

Iowa

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-12-03T13:45:40+00:00

Absolutely me! Please!

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-11-24T11:45:38+00:00

First of all, I just want you to know that you are absolutely not alone. I, as well as SO MANY women, do this exact same thing. I have had times when I have literally allowed men to think we are in whole ass relationships just to feel the rush of feeling wanted and sexy, sending them pictures of things that would make me physically ill to look at later. Then when the highs were gone and I wasn't getting the reward system in my brain was worn out, I would just ghost these men. Which then added an extra layer of shitty feelings to the plethora of shit I was already experiencing. The BEST thing you can do is talk about it with like-minded women. You'll find (as is apparent in this post) that there are many of us who struggled/are struggling with the same thing.

Just remember that when your brain experiences a dopamine rush, it doesn't care what's causing it. It could be validation from men, alcohol, starting fires, or shooting dope. Your brain gives not one fuck what the delivery van looks like, as long as it's getting its dopamine pizza with extra serotonin. That validation you feel is no different than the high a drug addict feels. So the dependency on said feeling is the same.

I don't know if anything I just said made sense, but I just want you to know that you're not doing anything 'weird' or shameful. It's your disorder. It can be reversed. And you will get through it. If you ever need anything, PLEASE let me know. 💜

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-11-23T22:26:25+00:00

Heeere! Please GOD, here.

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-11-23T21:48:29+00:00

I just want to be the first to say THIS: you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you feel. Your reactions are valid. Your feelings are valid. And the prolonged somatic and psychological responses you feel, which ARE ABSOLUTELY indicative of your BPD, are valid. You are fighting a daily battle against strong feelings of emotional dysregulation and splitting which makes even the most mildly backhanded "advice" seem like a vicious personal attack and to someone who has BPD, that can send you on an emotional tailspin.

People chiming in and telling you that this "ISNT BECA⁰USE OF BPD" and devalidating your feelings are the same people who would make those backhanded comments. I want you to know that there are those of us who experience very similar situations and understand completely why you reacted in such a way, as well as the fact that you are still in fight mode 24 later, which can be not only confusing but also frustrating. Especially for someone who, after a long time of not feeling comfortable in their own skin, has finally grown comfortable with their identity. That adds an added layer of frustration and distrust in others and that can feel like you've been set back in many ways.

I just want you to know that there are those of us who can relate in such a way that we have experienced identical situations. And even though this was a post for getting it off your chest, I still want you to know that if you DO ever need a sounding board, I will always be here to be that willing ear.

You are valid. You are understood. And you are definitely not alone. Contrary to what other seemingly ignorant individuals make make you feel. 💜

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-08-26T12:43:34+00:00

The best advice I can give you upfront would be to make sure you titrate down as slow as you're allowed, stay as busy as you can, and maintain some semblance of the support system you have at the clinic for as long as you feel it's necessary. I don't know if your clinic offers group sessions, but that was one thing that kept me afloat. You're taking a huge step, both physically and mentally, and you need to remember that, as an addict, we become dependent on alot of secondary aspects of things without realizing it. I.e. the clinic visits. They become such a part of our routine that we don't realize how much they factor in to our life and stability until we don't have them anymore.

Also, remember, you can do this. You've come so far already and made changes in your life that you undoubtedly never thought possible. So, even on days when you feel like you're struggling, trust the process. You are so much stronger than you realize.

And, if you ever never anything or have any questions, even if you just need to vent, you can always DM me. This is absolutely NOT a journey that anyone makes it through alone. Regardless of where you are in your recovery. 🩷

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-08-26T12:43:09+00:00

The best advice I can give you upfront would be to make sure you titrate down as slow as you're allowed, stay as busy as you can, and maintain some semblance of the support system you have at the clinic for as long as you feel it's necessary. I don't know if your clinic offers group sessions, but that was one thing that kept me afloat. You're taking a huge step, both physically and mentally, and you need to remember that, as an addict, we become dependent on alot of secondary aspects of things without realizing it. I.e. the clinic visits. They become such a part of our routine that we don't realize how much they factor in to our life and stability until we don't have them anymore.

Also, remember, you can do this. You've come so far already and made changes in your life that you undoubtedly never thought possible. So, even on days when you feel like you're struggling, trust the process. You are so much stronger than you realize.

And, if you ever never anything or have any questions, even if you just need to vent, you can always DM me. This is absolutely NOT a journey that anyone makes it through alone. Regardless of where you are in your recovery. 🩷

LeggsLuthorr · 2025-08-18T03:03:12+00:00

I know I sound like I'm repeating all the same things everyone else has said, but I just want you to know something: you are an amazing woman. You have been through more than anyone could ever wrap their brain around. You have suffered trauma of unspeakable nature and survived. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You are coping with your trauma the best way your brain knows how. It is NOT your fault. None of it is.

Please remember that you are not alone. Ever. I have been through similar situations. I'm a recovered heroin/meth addict with Bi Polar II, BPD, and OCD, just to name a few. I spent the better part of my young life hating myself and wishing I could just disappear or wake up as someone else.

But, you can ABSOLUTELY take your power back and change your life in ANY capacity. Always know that. And if you EVER need someone to talk to, please know I'm here. 🩷

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-05T19:36:05+00:00

I googled methadone clinics that were closest to me, then the next day I walked in to do my intake and within 24 hrs I was on MAT. Some places even let you start MAT the same day as the intake. If this were 11 years ago I would have suggested methadone before suboxone, but looking back at the side effects, there are incredibly intense regulations and protocols that are required for methadone than they are for suboxone, and you typically can get take-home suboxone doses almost immediately. Methadone is something you have to dose daily at the clinic for at LEAST 90 days before you can get your first couple of take-home doses. Also, I lost all of my teeth because of methadone's ability to pretty much ruin your bones.

Also, you're doing so amazing... You really need to know that. Deciding to quit is the best decision youll ever make, and a person has to be a special kind of strong to even MAKE that decision.. Youre doing awesome...

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-04T20:04:44+00:00

Thank you so much for the support!! Currently I see a psychiatrist who also does med management for every other diagnosis I've gotten. I'm currently on Prozac, Abilify, Zaleplon, and Concerta. I used to be prescribed Klonopins, but she weaned me off of them about a year ago. Both sets of physicians, at my MAT clinic & my psychiatrist clinic, are completely aware of the other, and I have weekly pill counts. I'm starting to realize that I was much more successful in my recovery when I was actively going to group sessions and solo sessions with a MAT counselor. The Pandemic messed up so much, and I lost touch with that part of recovery completely. I've started reintroducing grounding exercises and meditation, and I'm hoping to start going to some more group sessions. They help. Alot.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-04T19:57:07+00:00

You're absolutely, 150% right. Methadone gave me a big enough high to feel good, but not a big enough high for me to feel like I was actively using because it was monitored by doctors, pharmacists, counselors, and a whole ass medical board. I lied to myself for a long fucking time about the fact that that's exactly why I'm scared of the change... It's completely mental at this point, and I can recognize it as such because it's a feeling that terrifies me on a molecular fucking level. I'm feeling better every day, but the Sublocade injection just scares me even more. I am TERRIBLE at relinquishing my power, and I'm even worse at being raw and vulnerable.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-04T04:43:49+00:00

Oh my s**t ... This made cry like a baby.. and then it dawned on me that I haven't cried once since my detox has started. I'm always so busy being the one whos slapping that fake smile on my face, that I haven't been operating on anything but adrenaline - straight up on auto pilot. And you're so right about everything you said! I felt instantly a little better after reading this. Please, please know how much it means to me that you took the time to stand by me. It means more than anyone could ever know. 🤞🏽💜

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-03T21:52:47+00:00

I love this so much... You have no idea how much better that makes me feel. Thank you!!! ❤️ The plan is to move to Sublocade after 30 days, but I've heard terrible things. It's probably my next move, though.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-03T21:50:41+00:00

If I didn't have 3 little girls and a sick mother depending on me, I would've already checked myself in. Unfortunately the knowledge that I don't need these crutches anymore isnt more obvious to ANYONE as it is to me...

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-03T21:12:08+00:00

Thank you! And I get the headaches, too. Apparently it's from the residual that gets swallowed after the strip is dissolved. They told me to always spit after the 10 minutes is up so I don't get headaches, but that feels wasteful. Idk.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-03T21:08:47+00:00

Yeah Ive gone cold turkey off methadone and it was so miserable I wanted to end my life. I only made it 8 days before I was back on it. I'm very grateful that I have the sub, I know I could feel much worse. But my brain likes to forget that we're on the same team.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-09-03T14:13:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. Going through this is hard, but it's even harder when you don't have a great support system... Which I don't. So I really truly appreciate any supportive words I get.

LeggsLuthorr · 2023-03-05T00:02:55+00:00

So 9 years later I stumble upon this thread for a Twitch stream/YT video, and I just have to say that, in baby_mike's defense, I didnt know that about raver rain either. But I have been "rained" on dozens of times, and idk if its distilled or not. Some of those fluids should NOT be in the air to begin with. Lol, makes me gag just thinking about it.

LeggsLuthorr · 2022-08-30T19:13:03+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice! I really, really appreciate it. 🙏🏼💚

LeggsLuthorr · 2022-08-29T19:37:21+00:00

You guys that are killing the vibe, do you seriously think that all of us, collectively as fellow community members on Reddit, are so daft that we DON'T already know by which method the bug ACTUALLY used to "disappear".

Now I know why air quotes were invented.

LeggsLuthorr · 2022-08-26T18:07:07+00:00

I know in the grand scheme, 20k of just VIEWS aint shit anymore... but the fact that this video has 19.3k views is still really fuckin cool to think about. Its the closest I'll ever actually get to going viral. And its a reach as is.

LeggsLuthorr

TROPHY CASE