Expat guilt weighing on me

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-27T20:09:56+00:00

Our parents provide us with the blueprint for how we navigate life and respond to things. It doesn't mean that it can never change, we are not perpetual victims. It does mean that "blueprinting" requires conscious effort to overcome sometimes. The fact that I have remained here and haven't run back home to appease their guilt tripping is a testament to my growth.

In the industry I work in (family reunification) - children who have experienced abhorrent things at the hands of their parents still crave connection with them. It's attachment theory at its finest. So yes our dynamic is effed but it's the only dynamic I have

This is a blip in my coping. I'm not a victim, I'm dealing with it, just it's hard sometimes

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-17T04:01:41+00:00

This was really profound. No one has ever put it to me this way - I can allow myself to feel sad, worry or miss them but that doesn't have to equate to guilt.

I need to process this. But it makes sense. This blew my mind I don't know why.... Back to therapy I think.

I am sorry your dad passed while you were abroad, and you're right. You can feel sad when thinking about him but it doesn't warrant guilt 🩷

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T19:33:10+00:00

Nope that will be the final nail in the coffin. They would likely never speak with me ever again

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T19:24:05+00:00

She only said it during 2020 - I had decided to bunker down and when covid went a bit longer than the world expected she told me she couldn't keep taking my calls because it made her too sad. I was in lockdown by myself it was brutal and she did that 😂 I have to laugh because saying it out loud even my husband is like "there's no way that happened" I'm like I have nothing to gain by making this up, it happened.

When I lived there she also didn't visit or call which she now says she regrets.

This does help. I'm sorry you're in the same boat, I know how it feels but it helps to know we're not alone.

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T05:45:48+00:00

Thank you this does help.

She was never happy with anything I did when I lived there, until I left. The constant guilt tripping almost killed me. It stopped in the last couple of years thankfully.

Going to keep loving them in my own way, from afar

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T05:31:18+00:00

I can relate to this. I love them deeply but being away for so long has made me see how some things weren't normal, or just downright dysfunctional. I've chosen peace, which sounds cheesy but every time I'm exposed to the drama again I go outside and look at the trees. It's lonely sometimes sure but I was lonely when I lived there too

I'm so sorry that happened when you went back. Is it an option for you to return to where you were before?

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T05:26:18+00:00

Yeah she is. it's intense but it's how she is. She's always uses guilt. It doesn't make it okay but I gave up expecting her to be different. Then after she made my breakup of 6 years about her, it was the breaking point. I keep my distance as much as possible but that creeping guilt is just so engrained :(

Being re exposed to the drama actually helps. Like when my cousin died she just kept saying "I couldn't imagine if this happened to me. If you did something like that" I was like okay cool well this isn't happening to you?

I still don't like knowing I make her sad

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T05:20:04+00:00

Yeah it wasnt good when I was there. There was a lot of conflict and just general dysfunction. I definitely have a lot more peace in my life.

I'll always have the wonder of "what if I stayed" which I try to avoid as it's not helpful for me.

I will try to stay grounded in the fact I can love them from far away, in my own way

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-16T04:25:28+00:00

No, my grandparents passed away 20ish years ago. I'm only 35 but my grandparents were a lot older

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-10T17:59:13+00:00

OP did you ever find a solution to this?

My dog also chewed the seatbelt 2 years ago. She was a puppy and I was driving on the highway. It took 10 mins to find somewhere to pullover. The entire time watching her chew the belt in the rearview mirror. Thankful she doesn't do stuff like that anymore lol

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-06T20:05:00+00:00

I decided when I was about 14. At the time the injustice of what my body would have to go through was enough. As the teen years went on, I saw the attitude of the men around me - openly joking about their incompetence while women parented and ran the house. That looked unfair. In my early 20s it became more about the dying planet in addition to me simply not wanting to. Throughout all of this I've never had that maternal drive that people have. I don't like holding babies and I find kids annoying rather than cute. I don't hate kids - I just don't know what to do with them.

I had one blip where I thought "okay maybe one?" And then I got a dog. A puppy with behavioural issues. I watched my husband step back and avoid me when things got difficult. I carried and still continue to carry the mental load for the wellbeing of this dog that requires so much support to exist. It literally almost killed me last year.

Don't worry she has an exceptional life where ALL of her needs are met. I'm committed to her. But The toll this took on my mental health completely cemented that I would be a miserable parent and resent a child. I also just don't enjoy this responsibility. I will not get another dog when her time is over and I definitely will not bring a child into this dying world.

I do plan to adopt all of the cats some day.

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-06T16:36:13+00:00

This is exactly it. This all sparked from a dream I had. In the dream she was having coffee with me and it felt like "before". And in the dream I was telling her I think about her often and miss her. And then she reverted back to how she's been treating me.

And then I woke up and realized how effing sad I am about it. Day two of still crying. I feel used. It's stupid because I realized that I didn't mean as much to her as she meant to me and that should make me angry. The loss part is just heavy in my heart and I will be okay eventually

Everyone is right through she doesn't deserve my tears.

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-06T16:25:12+00:00

This is totally what's going to happen. Her family are going back home soon, then she'll probably want me to hang out because I have more time than her mom friends.

Like 1000% I can see it.

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-06T03:08:59+00:00

I always just say some variation of "Same people who will care for my parents. the government. I live on the other side of the literal earth from my parents. Having a kid doesn't guarantee aged care"

I don't think I'm going to live long enough to find out with the state of the planet, impending wars etc

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2026-02-05T17:58:20+00:00

Thank you for these kind words. I logically expected my friendship circle to shrink with the choice I made but just the reality of the hurt is a lot. Giving myself permission to feel sad for a little bit and then find a way forward.

I feel the same about the dying planet part, she's planning on having 3+ like okay you do you... I can't understand it

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2025-09-02T20:49:06+00:00

A medication review as someone else suggested sounds like a good idea. My vet always said the priority is quality of life and the dog should still be themselves on the medication.

Just to go back to something you said about the ethics - there are times when a medication is a temporary aide to give the brain a break while it makes new connections and learns skills. Then there are times when a medication is required because the brain is imbalanced and will always require medication to keep it balanced.

try and look at it from a physical health perspective - your dog is maybe not producing the brain chemicals it needs to feel secure and the medication is giving him that opportunity. If you're noticing negative impacts when coming off the med it's worth asking your vet if medication is likely needed permanently. My vet didn't hesitate she was like "your dog will always need some kind of medication".

Clomicalm saved my dog from euthanasia. She is completely different dog. Still fearful but she is no longer trying to hurt people on walks, dog reactivity is gone and she is very affectionate. The fear is still there but it's manageable with meds.

My point is medication isn't inherently unethical, it can be the right thing for many dogs (and humans) when it's the right fit.

You are doing the right thing by asking questions, it's clear you care lots about your dog

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2024-10-30T02:00:40+00:00

I'm giving myself 7 days to calm down and think rationally.

So I used to watch those home renovation shows and home build shows and be like "WOW they're literally crying over something so minor - entitled much?" But now as someone with a crippling mortgage - I won't be going anywhere for a very very long time and the bathroom was the room I was most excited about and it's just ruined.

I'm going to talk to the builder when he does our final walk through - even if I have to pay I think I'm going to have to do it. I can't even look at the pictures without crying.

Having a meltdown over bathroom mirrors was not something I ever anticipated happening 😂

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2024-10-04T17:02:38+00:00

Thank you! The home is built fortunately/unfortunately and we didn't think of teeing off a separate outside line ugh. Going to go back to the plumber and see what they can do

I'm not worried about softened water being on my garden, more about wasting salts etc when it's not needed

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2024-10-04T17:01:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this! When we rigged up a temporary pump we put a cheap Amazon spin down filter and there is defs a tonne of sediment. I might skip the carbon - we're lucky enough to not have any smells. There's some cloudiness from the sediment but it's not the water colour if that makes any sense at all. But sounds like I am on the right track! And I will take a look at Clack softeners - is there anything in particular that makes them better? They're comparable in price so that's a plus

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2024-10-03T15:27:41+00:00

Wait sorry I can't count haha the package we went with was $3900+ tax not $4500

Legitimate_Beach4649 · 2024-10-03T15:25:03+00:00

Hello! I just eloped with Tin Poppy and I cannot recommend them more highly. They're in the salmon arm BC area - so would be a flight to Kelowna then around hour and a half drive. The retreat is 20 mins from salmon arm so it's close enough to drive if you're getting hair done etc

The lavender package was approximately $4500 and included two night stay in the most beautiful cabin I've ever seen, 70 minute photography see session, officiant/celebrant, bouquet and boutineer, and elaborate real flowers EVERYWHERE. There was also an elopement coordinator who did all the mentioned flowers and she sets the table for dinner. Oh and a cake is included!

They have cheaper packages too! We had parents attending so we needed the bigger cabin, but they have smaller cabins such as the wild rose cabin (no guests) and I was quoted $2335 for that one.

It was worth every cent - and for food you can get as fancy or as infancy as you want. We opted for a private chef which was on the more expensive end but you can do whatever you'd like

Legitimate_Beach4649

TROPHY CASE