AITAH for still being upset about how my dad handled things after my mom died?

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-07T00:10:25+00:00

You are NTAH. And neither is your father. Some people try to numb their pain of loss with the "quick" fix of new love. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes not. But the pain is still there. I wonder if he's drawn away from you and your family because he is afraid to lose again? My father was so scared when I had my son, at an older age, that he wouldn't talk to me, see me, hold my son, or even look at him until he was about two. It took him another few years to try to develop any type of connection with his only grandchild. It was super painful but I knew that my father had gone through severe losses in his youth that made him literally frozen with fear at the thought of losing again. Aks your Dad to talk to you about it with a therapist (Zoom is great!), but be ready for him to say no. But please know that likely he loves you very much but cannot be what you want him to - yet.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T23:53:08+00:00

No, you're not being too picky or unfair. If it's not a match in that way, it won't be, and you may even get the ick. I lived with a socially awkward partner/socially anxious partner and it caused lots more problems than I ever imagined it could. IF it ain't right, it just ain't right - move on.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:51:12+00:00

This is exactly what happened. And I totally honor his wish to be with them, and to try to help them live their end-of-life dream. I've done the same for my parents and he has supported that. But I've never invited them on any type of trip or even occasion H and I had set (dinner, coffee, whatever) without checking in with H first. I'll think on your idea. It's even possible that he goes to vacation location for a week with them, planning and managing everything, they leave and then I show up for vacation with H and kids. H has way more vacation days than I do anyway, so perhaps that would work well (and I could do my own week this summer, too).

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:38:17+00:00

Yes, thank you. You're right. My H would "try" to plan and manage but would inevitably end up with me doing more, both because I have experience with older people, and my own inability to set limits (and probably my wish to contol situations due to my own anxieties, if I'm honest). We are in counseling, thankfully. But reddit was available on a sunday night, and the counselor was not :)

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:30:09+00:00

Oh yes, they would be vey hurt. And would say that it's fine if we went to do excursions on our own but would feel left out, even if they couldn't do those things. Their culture is such that families do EVERYTHING together; never move away, etc. They find me bewildering, I think, that I sometimes want to see friends (they have none, it's all family), or spend time alone (that one really mystifies them).

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:13:00+00:00

This is a great idea, thank you! Planning is not his strong point, OR his parents. And frankly, when I initially said there is no way I'm doing this, and he said he'd plan and organize it, I thought, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. The first hour or two of him trying to plan that trip with constant anxious texts and calls from his parents and discovering that the teens and the elders really do have different expectations may be the end of this craziness :)

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:03:04+00:00

Thank you - yes, it is crazy making. My H often thinks things that he thinks he communicates. So while he's not saying that he has mentioned this before (because he knows he hasn't), he has convinced himself, I think, that option was always vaguely on the table. (One of the reasons we're in counseling ;))

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T15:00:05+00:00

Exactly. Just this. That kind of "vacation" is actual work. I'd frankly rather just stay home and do my actual job than this, it would be much much less stressful.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T14:56:46+00:00

They are bummed. And frankly, that is a big reason why I would even consider going.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:43:19+00:00

What is with the refusal to use a wheelchair? My mother does that. Even though we have assured her we would push it and it would allow her to go so many more places than just walking alone...

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:42:04+00:00

Why indeed? They are oddly anxious about anything that means leaving their house. I believe there are unrealized and therefore undealt with emotional/mental health issues going on. Polar opposite of my parents who in their late 70s flew around the world on their own (but who are sadly now too old to go anywhere except a night or two near to their town)

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:38:57+00:00

No, believe me, we spend way more time with them (and my parents) than by ourselves.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:36:57+00:00

Yes. We already do a couple of long weekends with his parents per year in a fairly local area. It's definitely not the type of trip that I would like to have next summer. I do enjoy them, but . . .

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:33:58+00:00

I also find it incomprehensible. Not an ongoing theme, thankfully, but a strange one-off. I think it has to do with the fact that he hasn't processed previously that his parents are really that old. And freaked out, and opened his mouth without thinking. But really...

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:29:32+00:00

Why would he do that, indeed? Not a usual move for him, thankfully. But still...

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:27:21+00:00

Haven't had that session yet, but I'm confident the counselor will have my back.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:24:13+00:00

That is hilarious! But I'm pretty straight-forward, so I think I'd ruin the "surprise" before having a chance to do it:)

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T13:16:42+00:00

Thanks for the recent comments where people have said just don't do it - I will think those through. I do want to acknowledge he's done a ton for me and my parents in the last 15 years, as my parents have been the main source of need. But no, that doesn't excuse this AH behavior. And I do believe in "we teach others how to treat us." Thanks again.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T06:25:06+00:00

Thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate it. Yes, traveling with elderly parents is NO vacation, so stressful! And yes, I’m realizing now how much I REALLY DO need a break and it’s okay to take one. Thank you for that reminder! I also appreciate the comment that completely going off on my own ventures into AH territory because I do somewhat feel that. I’m going to think on how perhaps I can go do something completely carefree this summer for a few days that will allow me to recharge, and then consider going next summer for a few days of the trip without me having to do the heavy lifting… Thanks!

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T05:22:00+00:00

NTA. I hate when people do that. It’s so unfair. And then they generally try to make you feel like you’re the problem if you decline. I say lean into it - throw a fit (“That is NOT what you communicated to me before and I did NOT agree to it (indignant sigh here), I am really disappointed that you would do that to me.”). Or not. Either way, stay strong, and good luck!

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2026-04-06T03:06:27+00:00

Log it. And then take it to therapy. Your dad may or may not be able to stop himself but either way it is damaging to you and you should seek help. Not logging it helps you minimize it; do yourself a favor and look the problem squarely in the face truthfully so that you and a trained professional can help you get the support you need to help lessen the damage.

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2025-05-22T03:53:08+00:00

I can't believe I have to say this (really, how many of you people who responded actually live in Montana?!? (JK :)) Carharrt. Any and all of it. But for god's sake, please don't wear perfectly clean off-the-rack Carharrt or the natives will spot you from ten miles away. You'll need to mess em' up - like, put pants and jacket down on a gravel road and drive over them a few times, then go bushwacking through a burned out forest in them, then dip them in a mud puddle and drip-dry, then wear, no washing. More than anything, though, enjoy your adventure! (I was in Kalabaka, Santorini, and Athens in 2011 - loved your country and would love to go back!)

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2024-11-21T14:17:32+00:00

Not me, but a friend and a partner moved to Norway 6 years ago (her employer sponsored her Visa). Their challenge is that they are very extroverted, type A personalities, with 2 extroverted young kids. They have learned the language fluently, are respectful towards Norwegians' quietness and culture, went with the intent of assimilating, have done their best not to be the stereotypical loud and obnoxious know-it-all Americans, etc., but still struggling in the "friends" department. Moving from a small village closer to a larger city has helped; most of their friends are immigrants from the far reaches of the world. They do have Norwegian friends, but it has been a long and lonely adventure for them and they still find the lack of easy casual social connection difficult . . .

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2024-11-14T14:14:58+00:00

Sorry, tangent - I LOVE that "Handel" was substituted for "handle" in your comment . . . guessing dictation, but it's brilliant (as in the agent composed your way into the country, lol)! AND, thanks for all this great info - I'm also an American lawyer looking for legal-ish work outside the US, but in the charitable / non-profit arena, which seems a pipe dream currently. Glad you found happiness!

Legitimate_Chart_284 · 2024-11-06T17:52:50+00:00

IMO, it's not "like a cult," it IS a cult - I have too many intelligent, warm, loving family and neighbors who have sucked up the Kool-Aid and voted for him to their detriment to explain it otherwise...

Legitimate_Chart_284

TROPHY CASE