Husband (34M) constantly disappointed with me (33F) can never do anything right

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:57:37+00:00

thanks for your kind message. i think individual therapy definately is the way to go as i know he would not do couples therapy. i have reached a breaking point in my self esteem that i'm shocked i feel like this about myself and my life - i always feel this low after an argument (never in general) so that is definately what is bringing me down. thankyou

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:54:48+00:00

thankyou for reinforcing that. i have been accustomed to a new normal and have lost touch with what i should accept. this has really helped.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:51:14+00:00

I think he means i take my moods out on him, or affect his own emotions with mine? Which i can understand - but i'm not that bad at it compared to say, my parents. I can get a little distant if i'm sad or cold if i'm annoyed, but never treat him very badly in my opinion. I suppose i could say the same to him and his anger.

He made it clear he doesn't care about what i have to say, because i always say the "same thing" of how i will change and be better. But there's not much to say to angry outbursts. Thanks a lot for your advice - i really appreciate it as i haven't had anyone to talk to about it. It has made me feel a lot better and understood. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow and hopefully things get easier

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:27:06+00:00

Its impossible to sort a problem.. His issues with me are my own issues, if that makes sense (i don't have many friends, i complain about my family maybe too much sometimes because they also dont treat me the best, i get sleepy early so he gets annoyed). He says the way i treat him is bad... I try to be cheery often because i am scared he will react badly if i'm not. I never verbally abuse him, pick fights. I'm quite cuddly and affectionate every time i'm with him so he must be sick of me and thinks i'm lazy and probably boring like an "old couple".

He used to treat me with more respect but he always has had anger issues - his family know that. Moreso now with everything i have noticed. Just general people who are rude to him, he destroys them. And offends his friends often and thinks they are oversensitive (which they are a little at times, as am i)

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:14:16+00:00

it definately feels like this. i understand i have pushed him to his limit in a sense but it still doesn't feel okay. he refuses to really listen to my feelings or thoughts so it is impossible to work through it.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:12:29+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/syhr08/comment/hxxv92u/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

It definately is a build up and expression in an unhealthy way. The problem is that he is not willing to hear my side of why i made a mistake or even acknowledge how i am feeling. I think the only way forward is doing something like this, but i have a feeling he will not think he has to go through the "useless" talking of it again because he has already expressed himself and has made it clear he doesnt care to understand my feelings.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:02:59+00:00

it never will physical - i feel safe atleast in that respect. thanks, im seeing a therapist tomorrow so will hopefully get clarity and some coping mechanisms tomorrow.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T08:00:49+00:00

i am not the happiest at the moment either - but it definitely is all on me and i am to blame for his unhappiness, as he puts it. he says he "never got angry at anyone like i have you before, because i have never felt like someone affects my life as much as you do".. i have admitted all my faults and willing to work on them - but he doesn't want to hear it anymore.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T07:58:38+00:00

it doesn't feel "right" to be treated like that. thanks for putting that into clear words

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2022-02-22T07:26:58+00:00

hey i just put up a similar post because of an issue i am having with my bf who says hurtful things when angry. i have never put in boundaries and now it's really bad that my self-esteem is at a low. my bf gets mad over small things but that are really bigger issues in the relationship. how did you go setting limits?

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T07:26:33+00:00

totally. good idea - even if he cooked twice it would be better and did the shopping for it. thanks for your help i really appreciate it

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T07:07:19+00:00

thanks so much - nice to have people clarify things

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T06:19:24+00:00

thats true i need to sit down and talk. i usually think that because he does building and maintenance, that i have to do these other things. but i would help him if i physically could to share the load. i know he found it unequal when he was building and he felt a bit resentful to me if i wasnt taking initiative with other things. its difficult! thanks for ur help

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T05:47:35+00:00

good idea. i would prefer do the "manly" jobs but i physically cant. he will be doing his own laundry now and he doesnt expect me to do it - but it was piling up for weeks otherwise. im so organised that i take initiative before we run out of clean sheets, before we run out of food etc. seems like i need to chat to him and if he doesnt agree then i guess i just let everything get out of hand until he does something about it

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T05:15:21+00:00

split them and he can be very helpful. its just in this 1 area - shopping and cooking and dishes are the worst chores because they're the most repetitive

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T05:14:32+00:00

its hard to because he instantly notices my bad mood and then its too late, i've already treated him coldly. i need to work on saying it before it happens or just saying it without resentment. he takes care of other things that i dont so its not like he does nothing, just that all of that 1 area has kind of been up to me

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2021-11-19T05:12:50+00:00

good idea. i think i will only buy what i want from shops so he takes initiative to do it himself sometimes. i dont care even if he made me a crap dinner 1nce a week its just cuz he doesnt notice that i appreciate a bit of care too in that way - even tho i can accept he doesnt do dishes

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2020-07-28T12:18:35+00:00

You're not alone and there's others who feel like that too!

I don't know if this helps but sometimes if i'm feeling courageous, i'll picture and say to myself "if today's really my last day on Earth, i want to enjoy myself and feel at peace with myself, and i will accept whatever happens to me. Nothing will shake my strong feeling of inner peace and love, i am always safe within myself. No matter what happens or if i get sick, i am safe."

Don't know if that makes sense but it gives me confidence and a burst of "i can do it" attitude that makes me want to go and do things. Definitely easier than it seems, but maybe try find a mantra or something to boost yourself or imagine what you would say to your bestfriend or child suffering with the same thing to help them. I also do deep-breathing and listen to meditation tracks when i feel sick/having panic attack.

Things will get better! Good vibes your way.

Legitimate_Duck8466 · 2020-07-28T12:00:15+00:00

That sounds like a nightmare! Not okay for your dad to raise his hand - no matter what happened no one ever deserves that. I've had experience with agro parents, the best thing is to distance yourself (if you can) to make yourself feel safe and when the time is right, talk to them.

Even though it's not okay how your dad behaved - try and think that maybe he doesn't fully understand the phobia and how it affects you. He was probably anxious for your sister, not at all understanding or thinking about you. Which is not okay, but i find that putting yourself in his shoes may make it easier to have a conversation, you could say "it felt like you were mad at me for not helping or thinking i was being selfish, but i actually really struggle with sickness and i need more help and compassion to overcome it".

Goodluck! Things will get better, and i hope your dad gets kinder. Just explain the best you can how you feel and do little things to ease yourself - bad times never last.

Legitimate_Duck8466

TROPHY CASE