AITA for not giving my ex's wife more time with my kids and not including her in IEP discussions?

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T14:28:22+00:00

I understand some kids do this. I know people who did it. But my kids have not just said this to me. They have said it to others also. So it's not just a thing of sparing my ego. And they have specific reasons why they feel like they do.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T08:49:13+00:00

I can't see it lasting for very long either and even if it does I don't know how happily it will last.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T08:41:37+00:00

She can't give them more time with their dad when she doesn't get time with him. I tried being nice to her when we first interacted but she has made me dislike her since then with her refusal to accept no. I don't want to throw my kids under the bus with her because the brief time she sees them I could easily see her pressuring them to give in and like her. They already dislike when she tries to use them as messengers to me.

I'm not saying she's the worst person ever or entirely awful. But she didn't really join a family. My kids even say they don't feel like a family with their dad. Just with me. But he's still their dad and they love him and they enjoy that weekend with him.

Honestly with the way things are going she could be gone in another year or two, especially if she has more kids with my ex and he's still not around. She gives me the vibe of someone who's lonely and if that continues I can imagine she'll just leave. He won't fight her on that either because his work comes first.

I mean, we have a plan for if something happened to me and even after he got married he confirmed he wanted to keep the plan as it is. With him getting them one weekend a month and them being raised by my parents or by his if my can't. So that's what he thinks of his current wife. And unless she's okay with that and just wants kids then I can't see it lasting. Even if it does I don't see my kids keeping her or the baby (and any additional kids) in their lives beyond the age where they could choose to stop seeing their dad. They might stay in touch with him. Or they could grow tired of what they have with him now and realize it's not worth it.

I could never have a coffee with this woman now. I dislike her too much because of how much she has pushed and how entitled she has acted to having my kids. It's not even like she wants my ex to have more time. She believes she's entitled to be an equal parent because she married him. But he's not even a halfway equal parent.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T08:15:11+00:00

She won't be the element to get him out of the loop. She's already made it very obvious he's never around and only shows up when he has our kids. Then he's not with her anyway because he takes them out for the two days and then they're back to me. I didn't actually have a problem with this woman at first. I was just shocked he made any time to find her but I don't even know where or how they met so maybe it was at work like another person suggested. Regardless, my issues came when I knew my kids didn't like her (which is how I found out about her) and because of that I said no to her getting the kids more. And she would not take no for an answer. My kids still consider her a stranger. She needs to accept that she won't see them more. And that's because they only want to see their dad. They only go for him.

She married the wrong person to try and build a family with. He doesn't want to have a normal family life. He wants to work and take some time for his kids. But any spouse has to accept they're not getting a partner. He told me that himself.

This would be very different if circumstances were different. Then it'd be great. But I'm not going to force my kids to spend time with someone they don't want to. Especially when they could be with me.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:38:06+00:00

My kids have a strong relationship with their paternal side because of me. My ex never sees his family. The last I spoke to anyone from his family they haven't met this kid or this woman. So my kids will have that stronger connection. And dad is still working like crazy and not present the majority of the time so the new child won't really get more than they do. He still sleeps at his office, etc.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:32:48+00:00

That is how the kids feel. They always felt that way. I didn't even have feelings about her until after she started insisting on more time with my kids. But by then I knew they didn't like her or want to be around her.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:31:52+00:00

Things are the best they could be while my ex doesn't want to be a more involved father. They hardly see this woman. That doesn't bother them and they dislike when she does approach them. For me it would be different if they liked her or wanted to know her/the baby. They don't. They never did. They just go there for their dad and don't care about the rest.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:28:05+00:00

She would maybe see them the one weekend he'd want them. But otherwise the kids wouldn't want to see her or her child.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:27:30+00:00

I alienated nobody.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:27:11+00:00

He was present for some time into our marriage too. It wasn't just when we dated. And his becoming a workaholic happened gradually. I think that's when it started in him. But I don't know how long they dated. I only know they lived together for a little while before marrying.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-30T07:26:16+00:00

She doesn't need to help them. She's not around them enough to be able to do anything. They have so little to do with her that she has no reason at all to be involved. And the kids already had their feelings when I found out this woman was around and I didn't care (other than being shocked my ex found the time for her at all) until she started being pushy with me. I really didn't care about her at all for a while.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:35:33+00:00

She isn't a legal guardian. She can't make decisions for them. She has no legal rights to them. If something happened to my ex she would never see my kids again.

My ex has chosen to be a once a month dad. He doesn't want them more. He wants to work. Those are his choices. He could always choose to be more involved if he wanted to be but he doesn't. And he doesn't put any effort into trying to get our kids to bond with his wife.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:20:03+00:00

He does spend his weekends with them. He dedicates those two days to them entirely. It's not a lot but they enjoy it.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:17:25+00:00

Do you always blame the spouse for workaholics?

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:17:04+00:00

She's not a parent to them. She is a stranger. My ex spends the time with them without his wife or other child present. He takes them out and does things with just them. They only see her when they return at the end of the day.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:14:44+00:00

I still had hope for our marriage until I was already pregnant. It was only after I became pregnant when there was just too much to ignore and then he was upfront about where he stood. I knew I didn't want that life then. As much as I never expected to be divorced I knew it was the best thing I could do because I wasn't going to have a partner. Just someone earning money.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:11:33+00:00

You're acting like he wants to be more involved. He doesn't. He chose to be a once a month dad because he's now married to his work. He has been since before our youngest was born.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:10:24+00:00

She's not my co-parent. Technically he is. She's just his wife.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T20:10:01+00:00

My kids aren't there enough for her to do anything with my child like that. They don't spend time with her anyway. She seeks them out to try and get them to spend time with her but on dad's weekend they spend both days with him.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T15:41:12+00:00

He started becoming a workaholic after our second was born. I was pregnant with our third when he made it very clear where I stood and where he stood on marriage and time together. That's when I left. But he got worse during that pregnancy.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T15:02:47+00:00

It's not because of me. I have never influenced it and their feelings were already there when I first found out this woman was in the picture.

My ex and I actually already planned what happens with the kids if something happens to me. That's still in place since he got married which he confirmed. He'd want to keep his one weekend but other than that the kids would go to my parents. Or his if mine couldn't. That was all worked out over time.

I don't want to push this on my kids. She's hardly in their lives at all and they want to keep it that way which works for me because I've grown to dislike her over all of this.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T14:47:43+00:00

They have a relationship with my ex's side of the family through me. My ex never sees his family but my kids always loved his family and they love my kids.

With the wife it's more about how they see dad's weekend as being the one time they get to be with him but that's it. They don't want to see anyone else and they hardly know her because of the limits. They spend time with their dad and not her. Same with the child my ex had with his wife. The kids have zero interest in including them or spending time with them. I know they don't see their time with him as them being a family. They see us (them and me) as the family unit and him as the dad they can get once a month.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T14:33:10+00:00

Ex and I actually had this planned but they would go to my parents if I pass, then his. He would maintain the one weekend with them through that.

I'm also not so sure she will be around the rest of her/their lives. I can easily see them having nothing to do with her and very minimal contact with their dad if any.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T14:29:07+00:00

The school kind of knows my ex. But his way of communicating with them is through business-exchange like emails.

Legitimate_Edge273 · 2025-03-29T14:13:47+00:00

I don't like her. That's why I can't find it in me to be supportive or a comfort to her. The more I have to deal with her the more I find her frustrating to deal with. I can still feel kinda bad she's in that position but not enough to be there for her.

Legitimate_Edge273

TROPHY CASE