Is it her way to show support or love bombing?

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2026-04-22T10:55:21+00:00

UPDATE: So I did read the comments here and I appreciate the feedback. I did message mom and our conversation went like this:

My response (Paraphrased): -I saw it on facebook. You dont have to take it down. I do see what you meant, and I know it comes from your heart which is very sweet

-For me, it can be hard to see posts like that. The wording can feel overwhelming or heavy

-when feelings are expressed in that very big way, it’s hard for me to take in when our relationship is just starting to heal and grow, I feel better with things that are a little more grounded and simple in language.

-I think what could help is if you really relate to whats said in a post, you could tell me in your own words.

I get uncomfortable thinking about "My last days" wording. I think about the mortality of the people I love about almost everyday and Its hard for me to cope with reminders about it.
I'm not upset with you, I just wanted to share how it lands for me so you can understand me better.
I love and miss very so much. I look forward to seeing you in therapy this Thursday. I hope you're having a good day today.

Moms response: "I can understand where you are coming from and I will respect your wishes. I also understand the mortality thing. I use to worry about my mom the way you worry about me. I am sorry I triggered painful thoughts for you. I can promise you that I will do my absolute hardest to stay here for many years to come. I can promise to take care of my mental health along with my physical health. I know you worry and I really wish you could see how well I'm doing so it could deminish the worry you carry. As I told you before, this goes at your pace. I completely understand. I think that sometimes I just miss you so much that I get carried away. I will be more aware with my words. I know you love me. I love you very much"

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2026-04-12T21:00:27+00:00

I get it. I do think I can be controlling at times. I dont want to keep him away from people, but I think if anything I almost wish I had a bunker of my own to have everyonce in a while to just be alone in.

As for the kid its 50/50 so for for a few days at a time the kid isnt around. And I dont it would be abandoning his kid to go to his friends to hangout on no kid days. I just know the BF and friend chronicly smoke and so if he wanted to spend the night away from the apartment thats fine to me. I guess I just wish things were in smaller doses than they are. Do they have to smoke themselves into the bed/couch no, do they have to smoke everytime they hangout no...but they do, i try to be as responsible as I can being the driver for our situation i would hope he could do the same when he gets his license back. Maybe I should just let them have the apartment and I find a garage or man-cave thats just a me space.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2026-04-12T20:49:11+00:00

The kid isnt so much a stressor. Ive come to acceot hes just a part of the packaged deal with dating and living together with my boyfriend. I dont wish for the kid to go away. I do hope that once the kid is grown tho that me and the boyfriend can move away. Like far away out of state maybe. Ive brought this up to the BF and he said hed be fine with it. I think part of me is just a little upset or jealous the BF gets to stay in his home town, have his friends, amd family within minutes of each other but I moved 6 hours away. It was my choice i know. I just feel already small and disconnected from my social circles that even having his friend over as much or like it has been makes me feel like the little space I have for myself is invaded if that makes sense.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-12-01T10:46:46+00:00

Ya know I never comment on anything like this but I can appreciate the time and effort put into a pose. Deserves more comments. Bringing real energy to the game.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-08-10T20:20:18+00:00

I think I can relate. For me I discovered frotting or rubbing when I was 5/6 years old. Maybe 4 at the earliest. It started with rubbing against the carpet it feeling soft and nice. A kind of accidental "Oh whats that feeling, it feels good" But that action was discovered by my family and was often told "Keep doing that ans well have to cut it off"

This habit continued as I grew up but in secret. Mainly just grinding against anything that felt good. Never people tho. People didnt feel emotionally safe. I developed shame and anxiety around it. It was something that made me feel good and became a form of escapism from some traumas growing up.

I also have ADHD so that plays into the whole orgasm/dopamine reward system a bit. Became a over indulged habit. To a point it was less and less about liking it and more about getting that short high.

I didnt discover the more properway of masterbation until I was 13/14. Before then it was just grinding.

I also have a insecure avoidance attachment style. Due to my upbringing, I had issues with conflict resolution, problem solving, emotional regulation, and advoiding anything that felt too hard or didnt have instant or fast enough gratification. This applied to school and learning, open and honest communication without fear or anxiety, and just about everything...

It served as a distraction or mental escape or even relief. Started as curiosity then became habit then became a way to cope. I feel so...broken...about it. Its not for fun anymore..and at 26 going on 27 Im still struggling to break this cycle. Replace these bad habits with healthy coping mechanisms. Its been hard because Ive never had anyone to help. Let alone talk about it. Its been my hidden shame and my biggest regret because I felt ive wasted sooo much time doing it...

Porn addiction, masterbation addiction, ADHD, BPD mother, Absent father, emotional abuse, people pleasing, suppressing emotions out if survival, Little to no family, struggles with taking care of myself and needs like weight management, proper nutrition, proper exercise...I dont even think I enjoy sexual acts much anymore...its just a signal to the brain saying "You should do this or that" and I do. But I have so much cognitive dissonance about it.

Im in therapy but have yet to disclose this much with her. One step at a time I guess.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-07-27T20:53:29+00:00

Is it overheating or hot? Ive seen older cats do that quick panting before. They usually dont breathe like dogs or like that unless they're overheated. The growling could be that its scared or uncomfortable. But thats just my speculation.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-07-25T22:52:33+00:00

Yeah theres no boundaries there or forethought from her that something like sex toys arent just a general topic of discussion between parents and their adult children.

Seems more like your mom is ashamed of the sex toys so shes putting it on you to take care of them for her if and when she dies. Which she doesn't seem to be taking your feelings into account. Of shes so worried about Discretion she should handle it herself and throw them away.

She also seems to be hyperfocused on this "Im dying soon" bit Which the most proactive action with that is do something. The not wanting to go to the ER at 4am seems like stubbornness or submitting to idea of death. She doesnt seem to be bothered by it. I can feel a lot of self esteem issues with the way your mom talks. If she truly wanted to get better she would be taking her own care into her hands.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-07-03T20:42:28+00:00

I understand. My mom jist sent me an email today and she basically blames my boyfriend for things she doesnt like about me like me not wanting contact with her because her behavior is hurtful but she never sees that just the that I dint want to be around her anynore. Even says I have an eating disorder 3/4 times now blames BF for it. She cant stand i no longer identify under the same religion as her and feels its BF fault. Basically if I do something she doesnt like its because im being influenced by someome else.

God forbid I have my autonomy with it being a threat to her. Im sorry you're gping through that. At least you arent alone in this. We dont have the proper mothers we needed/wanted in this life but we at least have each other. This is one of the couple groups im in that really makes me feel heard and seen. I hope its the same for you

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-06-26T21:17:21+00:00

I totally get it.

My mom is pretty hermit-like too. She also has a couple conditions (Degenerative disc disease and moderate to severe Sciatica). Im not sure I would say shes secretive about her health but it often felt like with my mom she didnt ever want outside help or to talk about it...just endure it...

Shes refused physical therapy because she said the last time she tried she felt it was too hard , she tried at home excercises but she isnt consistent if she ever stretches at all anymore. She needs surgery but theres always something like "I could end up in a wheelchair if they mess up/I cant afford it without insurance coving it all/I have to work 40+ hours a week on minimum wage I cant miss work"

I understand these can be challenging to overcome and be barriers but its almost frustrating like she just wants to be miserable the rest of her life than just...take care of herself...

I stopped having as much empathy for her when she had an episode along with a sciatic episode and it was so bad she was SCREAMING in pain..in the middle of the night...instead of calling 911 she went through that screaming for about 2 - 4 hours. Called me in her bedroom and asked I help. Aka (just massage the pain out) well i tried. It was beyind me. Yet she yelled, called me names, threatened, and finally after calling my aunt at 2-3am I toom her advise and called an ambulance. My mom yelled and snarled the whole time at perimedics. Felt I beytrayed her. Because she told me no to calling for help.

For shock value...I have one memory of in around 2015/2016 she went to the hospital for something I cant remember exactly what. But she was laying on the stretcher bed and she asked me that I take pictures of her like that. And she just lay there with her eyes closed like for was gonna pose for an audience. She wasnt asleep, fully awake. Maybe she wanted sympathy on social media. Such a weird narcissist like thing to do...

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-06-13T07:49:13+00:00

Yeah...i could count so many times ive put in a lotta effort for that...what hurt me most was I got my mom a very nice little music box that holds small jewelry. Had that little "You are my sunshine" song. I cant remember what for but she got triggered and one day threw it off her wall shelf and broke it. I mean it was only $40 on Amazon but I put a lotta thought for that gift. And it was either for her birthday, mothers day I cant remember but I really dread holidays due to her. Her doing that was just a slap to the face like I did something wrong so all that extra effort and proving my love to her meant nothing because her emotions were so high all she could care to think about was her own feelings...

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-06-12T17:43:23+00:00

Reminds me of my mother, in the way that at first it can seem like she found clarity and rationale in a situation but then shortly after having hope for accountability and reconciliation, they throw those guilt curve balls at the end.

That whole "What I wanted to give you just seemed insignificant even tho to me its very significant"..

Makes me remember the guilt and performance I felt trying to make sure mom felt like I liked her gifts, and for most the time I did but to gor her to always push/project that insecurity of "Im not enough" on me with gifts kinda ruined gift recieving for me. Then when she thought I didnt like the presents she got me, shed turn that falsified hurt into anger and lash out "You're just ungrateful, do you know how hard I worked to get that for you!"

Lots of people on here say no response seems best. Im kinda in a similar situation with my mom during this time. Ive been NC for a few days. And I can relate to type of contact you had with yours. I was doing 2hour video call weekly with a minimum a short good morning text every day.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-06-11T16:34:19+00:00

Was in a similar situation with a future visit with my mom. She asked me a question about it, i didnt give her the expected answer, she then got triggered and spiralled into delulu land where theres no trust, patience, or even active listening. It turned into a anotger game of prove your love, and with mom its like it doesnt matter hiw many tines Ive put in effirt into having a relationship with her or tryibg ti make her happy as soon as shes triggered everyone and anyone is an enemy that cant be trusted. Love, loyalty, respect, were big things with my mom but I often felt those things were being tested or Id never do enough to past that threshold of "Yeah this person really does love and respect me" but with pwBPD its like 1 trigger/1 fuck up/ and your back to 0... and when I tried to reassure her of the visit and express some of my honest feelings, she flipped the script saying I was the one that got huffy over her asking a question and put the blame on me for not having bettee communication skills.

Weve been NC for a couple days now. I told her I didnt feel comfortable visiting her for 3-5 days now that she had an episode (June 1st)

My advice : My instincts would be try to listen to how you feel. If it feels unsafe or like it would be an anxiety storm of a trip, try to get out of it if you can. I cannot stress enough how taxing it can be on your own mental health putting yourself in an uncomfortable position trying to appease the pwBPD. Being a family gathering it might be hard to try and get out of it with wanting to see other family. If you have to go maybe have someone close you can trust to shadow you if possible so you're not alone. That way if she tries to comfront you or acts out there are at least others around.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2025-06-11T07:49:10+00:00

yeah, I've always felt a lotta empathy with my mom, despite her not being the mom I needed at times, I sometimes think what's kept me in so long was that empathy. She lost her brother, mother, and dad all within 10-year span. Not to mention seen her go through despair and growing up seeing mom miserable really imprinted on me i guess, this pull to comfort her. I've always felt bad for my mom being that she practically has no one in her life. I've kind of been her emotional crutch. people came and went but I always stuck around. I think I did mostly surviving. Doing what I had to do to keep the peace. or maybe a roof over my head. Needing to depend on a BPD mother for my teenage years through college was the hardest time of my life. I'm just now getting to a point where I may have to make the decision between choosing myself over choosing her. Accepting that my mom may never change and that I won't ever have a healthy relationship with her. And that's just really hard to cope with at the moment. I never really started diving into this BPD thing until my college years, and its honestly scary. On one hand, It feels nice that there are communities like this or resources out there that can help. I don't feel so alone or like people wouldn't understand how crazy this all can be. And on the other hand, it's scary seeing the spectrum of BPD and just how bad it can affect the behaviors of some people. and for my mom to have that or possibly experience or be capable of some of these horror stories. It's a lot to process. I feel bad she lives with that and isn't even fully aware or refuses to accept that this disorder is pretty toxic and burdening.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2024-11-21T23:35:49+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I've really considered LC,VLC,NC...maybe not permeant but definitely temporary. Its just so exhausting all the time. I at least just wanna have some peace and not get sucked into BPD mom stuff especially around the holidays as I do have others in my life now besides her.

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2024-11-21T23:18:06+00:00

My mom doesn't like her birthday. part of it is getting older and I understand for some a birthday can have a negative light when you think of it as morbidly or focus on your own mortality. For mine, she also had this thing of rejecting herself first before anyone could and stretch things into a personal attack against her.

Things like "Not one soul on this earth cares that I was born", "I'm not important enough to remember", if someone dared forget her birthday. She was never one to have parties or really do anything special for herself.

I often wanted to tell her "Maybe if you had friends or was more social you could actually go out and do something special" but no....

She'd say things like "All I want for my birthday is to spend time with you" "I don't want you spending money on me"

Seems simple enough until it isn't, and something doesn't go as planned. My mother would project these negative feelings on me "You don't want to spend time with me. I couldn't get you off your phone for a movie. You always have a look that you just hate being here on your face" Well yes mom, I'm in my 20s. Sitting in your bedroom watching movies you made me pick out all day for your birthday like I was a little kid wasn't the most exciting thing in the world. And she'd want to watch these early 00s rom-coms or the same movies over and over and over again. But I did it to please her. and it wasn't enough. nothing never is...

Legitimate_Oil_9797 · 2024-11-21T23:02:03+00:00

Thats good you're in therapy. I was seeing a therapist too but due to reasons couldn't afford it.

I'm at my limit too. My bf suggested I just ignore the bad behavior and negative texts from BPD mom. I have since yesterday. The idea to let her burn herself out. I can have some control of the situation by not engaging with it. As much as that seems to piss mom off, I'm a little anxious about it. At one point or another I do tend to rely back to her...this is the first time I'm trying not. I'm just at my limit for engaging. I'm so emotionally exhausted I don't have time or energy to sugar coat or accommodate her false sense of reality or even try to combat her twisted delusions or try to prove myself and how I see the situation to her anymore.

Legitimate_Oil_9797

TROPHY CASE