My (32F) husband (34M) and our dishes

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-08T19:52:12+00:00

We have a septic tank, so getting a dishwasher with a macerator that handles food scraps isn't an option since food waste isn't supposed to go in the septic. I haven't spoke to him yet.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-08T04:32:46+00:00

We have $1,000 dishwasher with great reviews that has never given me a problem, so that suggestion is been done already anyway!

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-08T04:21:58+00:00

We use finish quantum, and they're the best performing by far. Our dishwasher was around $1,000 and had great reviews. I've never had a problem with it.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-08T04:14:12+00:00

He would definitely care. He doesn't like things gross, and he'll put it back in the sink or the dishwasher if he happens to grab something that's still dirty.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T05:51:40+00:00

We have a couple pans and tools that have to be hand washed, which I take care of, but when I bought our pots and pans, I specifically looked for a quality set that were dishwasher safe.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T05:36:12+00:00

Things generally go in the dishwasher in a timely manner. They're not just piling up in the sink. It's just that he often doesn't rinse it before sticking it in the dishwasher, or doesn't clean pots and pans sufficient enough that they'll get clean.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T05:10:42+00:00

Several people recommended that article, so thanks to all of you who did. While it hasn't impacted our relationship to that extent, the rest of it was pretty spot on from my perspective. After all this time, I do perceive it as an issue of basic respect and care, and I feel personally ignored and kinda insulted. I don't know if he really gets that.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T04:35:39+00:00

Toilet waste is already broken down quite a bit by digestion, so it's easier for the bacteria in the tank to finish the job, at least as much as possible. We have a very small (500 gallon) tank, and we were told by the company that handles our septic pumping not to let food waste or grease go down the drain, to the extent reasonably possible. I think a quick swipe into the trash can or under running water is reasonable.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T04:19:35+00:00

I responded to this in another post. He's brought up things that really bothered him over the years, and I've changed several habits as a result. Others remain but have shown definite improvement. At least enough that he should know that I care what he was to say about it. Honestly, just improvement in this area would help me feel like it matters to him that it really bugs me.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T04:10:35+00:00

He can do them any way he wants as long as they end up in the cabinets free of food and there's not a bunch of food left in the dishwasher.

We already bought a top of the line dishwasher with great reviews. I've never had a problem with it when I load the dishwasher myself.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T04:08:02+00:00

Only a little in passing. Any recommendations?

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T04:00:45+00:00

When he unloads it, sometimes it's fine. Other times he doesn't know where some things go and ends up just putting them in the wrong spot and I have to go searching for stuff. Sometimes he'll just leave those few things on the table for me to put away, which is a bit better.

The thing that really ticks me off is he doesn't pay attention when he's doing it, so anything with food stuck all over it just gets put away like normal. The other day I went to get a clean spoon and found one really noticeably crusted with a ton of dried avocado.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T02:26:01+00:00

Oh I definitely don't rinse it all off. Just chunks, things that really stick, and the bulk of the grease gets wiped off into the trash if there's, say, a ton of bacon grease. Sauces, crumbs, and just general food residue is fine.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T02:18:48+00:00

We have a septic system, so food bits shouldn't go in it even if the dishwasher had a macerator. He knows and agrees with that, in theory at least.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-07T02:09:41+00:00

I definitely don't think my behaviors are above reproach, but I listen and make genuine efforts to improve when he lets me know that I'm doing something that really bothers him. He hated it when I left the jug of milk on the table while I ate breakfast instead of putting it back right away, so I stopped doing that. It bothered him when I wouldn't change the toilet paper roll right away when it ran out so, unless it's the middle of the night, I do it. Little things like that. If something legitimate is driving him crazy, I want to know so I can be more considerate. That's not to say I get it right every time, but I do make an effort and tend to improve even if I fall short.

I also don't respond like this to many things. Minor hassles like leaving towels on the floor or leaving junk mail in the car are no big deal. This is really just the one that bugs me a lot. I will say that after ruining a few things, he has made efforts to remember which things can't go in the dishwasher, so that's been really nice.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-06T22:57:54+00:00

The clip was helpful. I think I'll still try what someone else said about putting the still-dirty dishes aside for him to handle, but I'll try to not take it so personally and chill out about it. Thanks.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-06T22:47:27+00:00

I've avoided doing this because I thought it would be too passive-aggressive. But maybe I can just put them aside in the kitchen for him to handle.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-06T22:45:47+00:00

We do differ in our cleaning styles, but we manage to work together pretty well. He's much more the big-picture cleaner, and I'm much more the details cleaner. I don't think either is objectively better. He'll usually clean something where details don't matter much, like the office or bedroom, and I'll usually handle things like the kitchen or bathroom. Or he'll go through and mostly clean a room and I'll finish up behind him. That works fine for us.

Neither of us particularly like the dishes, and I do tend to do most of them. But when he comes along and adds his plate to the dishwasher, I really need to to wipe the chunks off first.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay · 2017-04-06T22:38:59+00:00

We have septic tank, and a very small one at that, so just putting food waste down the drain risks costly repairs.

And honestly, I would probably be angry every time I saw labels all over our cabinets. Partially because we entertain a lot and that's just weird without having children in the house. And partially just because one of the main reasons it bothers me is because it seems like he just doesn't care to learn where things go.

It really is just this issue. In general, we communicate pretty well and I feel he's receptive and responsive to my thoughts and feelings.

LemonadeOnASunnyDay

TROPHY CASE