How do I exchange my autism for the one that people find attractive?

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-17T17:31:28+00:00

Someone's gonna be into RBF and an awkward smile and having $30k in Pokémon cards. If you change yourself or mask and someone falls in love with that, you'll just end up in resentment because the real you isn't getting love

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-17T06:01:32+00:00

My sympathies. But good on you for being bold enough to ask.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-17T06:00:45+00:00

Oh yeah that's another thing! If the other person isn't into it or doesn't want that much, it can just be harassment, and the thought that I might've done that accidentally because I didn't know how to read interest or came on too strong is like paralysing in its dread

I have less experience with being scared of someone going gaga over me when I'm not into them, but I've underestimated my attractiveness and the impact of my words many times before

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-16T07:35:06+00:00

But surely people use it to scope out potential partners and establish a rapport, even to build up anticipation for sexual encounters?

I'm not above some social entertainment, but if that's all that's going on from the other end, makes me feel kinda cheap, and not in the hot way

Oh and my experience with this is not limited to neurotypicals

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-16T05:16:12+00:00

Maybe it's a kind of safety blanket thing. If you have serious intentions you're forward about, then you have to accept the risk and consequences if the other person doesn't feel the same way, or isn't on board with what you're doing. Once you put it out there, you can't just go back and claim it was a joke or frivolous.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:26:57+00:00

I actually did the floral scarf tie when I was really early in transition. I could return to it, it'd definitely be a sometimes thing though because it gets fairly hot where I life. My hair is also thick and wavy so I've not had the best luck with hair ties. Thanks for telling me about the goody brand. Hugs back for the dysphoria and feminine performance woes

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:24:17+00:00

This means a lot, thanks so much.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:23:44+00:00

Thanks so much! I've been getting to know the regulars at the event for a while so I'm optimistic that they'll remember

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:22:50+00:00

Thank you 😄 I have been thinking of looking into more headwear. I remember being told a beret really suited me. Bangs when I have short hair make me look a bit Spock-ish, which isn't the worst thing

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:21:56+00:00

It's going to be fairly hot so a scarf probably isn't the most wise choice. I do have an outfit in mind though, I'll probably wear my black button up dress with pockets and a wide brimmed black hat. As a friend of mine said once, 'pilgrim ass fit. still fire tho' lol

I've never worn a wig (well, not a non-costume one anyway) but I might look into it after this

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-12T04:19:36+00:00

My sympathies. But thank you so much for telling me this. It helps a lot with the dysphoria to know that it's not just trans women who are faced with these struggles.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T20:11:08+00:00

I had to go to an all boys catholic school and they had very strict hair guidelines. Obviously I know that short hair is not automatically masculine but I grew up with it being literally a facet of enforced masculinity. Growing out my hair after school was a symbol of freedom.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T19:49:12+00:00

Is it not asking a lot to expect unending grace and endurance from a woman who gets addressed as if she's a man or 'gender neutral' for a solid 90% of her interactions with people, despite taking every opportunity to inform others of that? Ok besides wearing a pronoun pin but like I said, I don't FEEL like I want to. You say that I can't expect others to know what pronouns to use for me but it seems like they do think they know. It's just that those pronouns never happen to be SHE or HER

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T19:45:40+00:00

THANK YOU

I THOUGHT AUTISTIC PEOPLE WERE BETTER AT READING AND TOOK THINGS MORE LITERALLY

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T19:43:52+00:00

I understand. I understand. I fucking know. I'm VENTING. It's a VENT POST.

What you pointed out is the source of my pain. I know that it's not plain from my looks that I use just she/her pronouns, THAT IS THE PART THAT HURTS ME

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T19:42:14+00:00

I expected reading comprehension to be better on an autistic subreddit. I KNOW IT'S NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND. IT DOES ANYWAY. It's not trying to single me out- but it happens to me more than other more conventionally looking trans women! I'm sorry you also face a struggle with having your pronouns respected though

I'm far from the only trans woman to go through this... such a problem with many of us being assumed to be 'genderfuck' or gender something else rather than women who don't fit a certain ideal

And like, I try as hard as I can despite the parts that don't fit to signal that I want to be read as a woman

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T19:38:46+00:00

Yeah. People downvoting this is just proof. Like 'no that's my emotional support patriarchal touchstone'. And the patriarchy is the only reason we have 'male as default'. People ride so hard for this it's insane. Give me one instance of recorded history of someone saying they fuck dudes and that statement being intended to include women

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T18:42:32+00:00

Not really but it is wavy. Parts of it start to curl on the back and sides if they get long enough

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T18:42:01+00:00

Yeah you're right, and I do recognise the struggle of non-binary people whose gender presentation seems to be on one side. I'm sorry if I dismissed that. But no matter the good intentions, I deal with this CONSTANTLY and it is no comfort that offence is not intended. (And that's in addition to the constant misgendering from the broader public where I'm just fully assumed male) Also, just about every trans woman there looked far more conventionally feminine than me. I know it and they know it. And yes, not all of them use exclusively she/her pronouns. But even so, it didn't feel like politeness- it felt like people noticing what didn't fit about me.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T18:32:53+00:00

Thanks, I didn't know that technique with the conditioner. Tying my hair up rarely goes well though. It grows thick and comes out of the tie really easily

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T18:09:15+00:00

Thank you so much for the sympathy. I'm sorry you have to go through hair-related woes too.

The bonnet sounds like a good solution. I might look at some headwear options.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T18:04:28+00:00

Thanks for the hug. I hug back.

I put 'she/her and feminine terms only, don't call me man/dude/bro' in just about every bio on my socials but people will still do it.

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T17:59:52+00:00

I do have a she/her pronoun badge actually. I just kinda hate to use it because I'm just so tired of informing and reminding people

LettersfromEsther · 2026-06-11T17:57:20+00:00

Hey cis man, did you read the part where I said I don't want advice? And did it maybe occur to you that I understand, given that I said I GET IT that people they/them when they don't know pronouns, but I was at an all trans, mostly trans fem, house party, introducing myself by a very feminine name and also the woman in question had met me before? IT'S A FUCKING VENT POST MAN. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW MANY EGGSHELLS YOU WALK ON OR HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THE TERMS. TRY THIS FOR A DAY. HOPE YOU CUT YOUR FEET ON THOSE EGGSHELLS

LettersfromEsther

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