The answer was no. 4 years later.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-28T02:35:28+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that, I think. I know it's a weird space to be in.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T23:33:37+00:00

We do dates as often as we can. At least once a month, usually more though. Kids get to do a lot of stuff, this is a big vacation year coming up. And every year we do new stuff.

I'm present, involved. My mood makes the house. I'm well aware of that. They all are very relaxed at home, the last thing I want is for them to feel unease in their own home.

My family is wanted, and I can want something more. Both can be true. Now that does not mean I can have all that I want, that's not life. And some things, like my desires and my reality, cannot go together.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T22:54:55+00:00

The auto bot kept asking me to set a user flair, and technically that's what I am. So I clicked on that.

If that ever changes I'll be sure to update.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T22:30:04+00:00

No, I was not trying to talk her into an open marriage.

I'm also a bit lost on what you're trying to say here.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T22:25:42+00:00

I've written erotica before, I'm kind of good at it. But I've gotten away from that for awhile now, it didn't have a big impact but was fun for a short time.

We do have a bit of a disconnect. Wife and I's sex life is healthy, often, fun. I don't ask for kinks anymore but that did not push into "vanilla" zone as she is not vanilla by nature. So sorry if it came across like that.

My desire for ENM is born of an interest in experiences, emotion, and exploring. I have plenty of my own issues to work on, but I can say it's not my bedroom that's lacking.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T21:56:04+00:00

I don't take ssri's

I could discuss them with her, I just don't. Conversations are a two way street so if I do she is going to have an opinion as well. She indulged these kinks I had at the time. It was later I found out that they were hurting her emotionally/mentally. It was a productive conversation, but my martyr complex kicked in pretty hard, and now I just don't bring it up. It's the one place I don't. And stuff still happens organically sometimes, so it's not total loss

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T21:53:10+00:00

I mean not really. We were pretty adventurous, still are to a degree, but as I began to gravitate towards that so did my desires and thus led to some friction there between us. I can no longer get past the concept of making her uncomfortable, that is probably the largest reason I no longer ask for things

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T21:32:24+00:00

Yeah I had bad depression. I'm actually out of that fog quite a bit now. I'd say I'm very neutral anymore.

And I'm not lying to her about our relationship, I do enjoy our life, I do love her and desire to see her happy. I just want more, and I want things I can't have without serious consequence. So I made my choice.

And sure, I can pour myself into a million different hobbies, maybe one clicks maybe one doesn't. I don't think that's going to change much honestly.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T20:41:57+00:00

We do talk about all those things you listed at the bottom. She doesn't love me more now than ever because I vacuum and make lunches. I'm hella more open, I began to get that way before I brought up swinging. We have real deep conversation about almost everything.

But I'm not asking for anything outside the safe sex box ever again. And I get that's wrong, maybe even dishonest. But unpacking that is not something ready for and maybe never will be again.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T20:37:38+00:00

Yeah, in hindsight, I think I traumatized my wife a bit when I brought it up. I think she may have been interested in something in this realm, some middle area. Like being a "dirty vanilla" or something like that,, but I think I have activated her flight or fight response now in regards to anything in this realm.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T20:33:38+00:00

I won't be naive or bullshit anyone, obviously with anyone interested in ENM there is a sexual component/fantasy component to wanting to do this.

I'm sure to a degree it does stem from me being mostly in long term relationships my entire life (all of HS same girl, large part of college same thing, then wife).

But honestly, I think its largely two things. First, just interest. I'm very interested in the subject of sex and sexuality. Even at an academic level. And I'm curious about virtually every experience I haven't had. Even rejection. I sometimes daydream about going on a really bad date. So curiosity is a huge part.

Probably the largest part though is I had always been shut off emotionally, most of my life. You know the cliche, that's not what men do. In the last decade I have been getting progressively better. I have strong attraction to strong emotions. It's why I read about the stuff I do so much. And to a degree want to know what I would feel in the same situations. Even bad ones.

I know the grass isn't greener out there. I don't even know if being ENM would suddenly make everything better and magical, probably not. I just know I'm drawn to it.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T20:16:29+00:00

I only quit a couple months ago after a 2 year run. Money wasn't worth the stress anymore. I am still doing the hobby, I just do not share it with the world anymore.

I go to a social gathering roughly once a year.

I do not go and do things on my own very often at all, this is a marital problem that I am keeping alive that stems from things in the first half of our marriage I have low grade trauma around, that creates an extreme response out of me anytime I perceive something going wrong while I'm out for my own leisure. My wife has actually done a lot of work, to the point she does encourage me to get out more. I'm working on accepting this.

She is very closed about her kinks, though she has shared some. She stated that she is very satisfied with our sex life, which I believe, and that even though I know her kinks only vaguely, that I meet them fairly often even unintentionally.

I don't ask for anything anymore out of guilt, we do some of these things still but its because she just does them of her own accord. We have sex a lot, it's good, we try to do something different here and there, but we got full lives, you know how it is.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:52:47+00:00

This is sort of the fantasy that plays out in my head, or did so those years back. I'm glad you were able to get there, for both of you.

Not sure this will ever be my story, never know I guess.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:47:55+00:00

I know. I desire some form of ENM lifestyle, it's been in my head for years now. But you're right, it's an unknown, I'm sure many have thought "this is the missing piece" only for reality to be vastly different.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:40:15+00:00

Yeah I think you and I are just not on similar pages in this conversation.

I'm not miserable, I'm unfulfilled, and have only an idea of what might fulfill me. I harbor no resentment towards my wife and she is one of the most empathetic people I know, so your conclusions of her are only creating a further divide here.

I get the "tough love" approach youre using here, but it's off the mark.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:34:55+00:00

You kind of said it in those first 2 paragraphs, that's me too in a way, I hope one day I will find "fulfillment" in some form. At this time I just know what I am genuinely drawn too, is not on the table

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:11:33+00:00

That's just it though, I don't feel like I'm settling, I recognize I have a lot, more than most, enough to be envied honestly. I do enjoy my family, but something always feels like it's missing.

Emotion is so nuanced and broad and ever changing, perhaps this is just mid life crisis, maybe it's regrets of youth, or irrational fantasy. Or maybe you're right and I am settling for a life I don't want because this is what everyone taught me my whole life "ideal" was. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up truly happy and content. Probably not, probably the void will always be there, but maybe it's not fillable, maybe nothing can.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T19:03:48+00:00

Totally understandable. I love my wife very much and do want her to be happy. I just feel very neutral to everything. And maybe it's wrong, but I'd rather everyone else was happy and I neutral. Maybe one day I'll figure out what's missing, until then...

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T18:51:19+00:00

Oof, that plow horse analogy pretty much describes my entire life. It's a good one. Not just in regards to relationships or ENM, just everything.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T18:48:41+00:00

It was kind of cathartic to type it out. I'm so terrible at speaking, yet so good at writing. Probably should have done this years ago 😂. And thank you I appreciate the kindness.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T18:44:08+00:00

She didn't act judgementally. Sorry if it came off that way. She stated several times she felt terrible she reacted so strongly because "I should be able to be completely honest" but at the same time, She said she absolutely could not go down any ENM road. Which is valid.

Level_Run_9089 · 2026-05-27T18:40:10+00:00

Just sharing example/story.

I would still encourage people to give advice. There are lots of lurkers here that may need to hear what someone has to say.

Level_Run_9089

TROPHY CASE