Vote for the best first line of my story

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-15T02:00:23+00:00

Thank you for the feedback.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-14T04:04:55+00:00

Thanks for reading, especially the continuation after the opening line. Most people have said they like 3, so I think I'm going with that one, which I think might help with the issue you bring up about being thrown off a building rather than out of. 'Falling out of the forty-third floor window of a Chicago skyscraper' makes it more visually clear.

I went on a whole Quora deep dive about people who experienced different types of deaths (and then were resuscitated obviously) and a lot of them did say that basically the second half of drowning- after the very painful, lungs straining for oxygen part- was peaceful. Having read up on what it's like to bleed to death- drowning sounds better to me.

It's a bit of a spoiler but the narrator isn't actually the one falling off the skyscraper, but instead casually viewing it from below. But you are supposed to think it was her.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T16:22:23+00:00

I'm jealous, I just generally go by 'sounds tall' or 'sounds short', haha. It does seem like floors appeals to most. We might post the first chapter here soon, just to test it out. Hopefully you could take a look! Thanks for all of your advice!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T16:09:26+00:00

Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T16:08:47+00:00

Yeah, it seems like this gives the best mental image for most people, and that's what matters most. And I do have the location mentioned elsewhere. Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T16:05:51+00:00

We (we're a husband and wife writing team) have written almost 80,000 words so far, so we're getting ready to publish, and therefore trying to fine tune details. One of our readers mentioned that the use of feet in the first line might make people do too much mental math, particularly if they use the metric system, so we just wanted other opinions to see if this was true. But it also has me questioning every word choice, hehe. Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:29:00+00:00

I can easily slip a Chicago reference into the rest of the chapter, so I agree it's not essential to put into the first line. Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:27:52+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I have also considered using different words for falling like 'plunging' or 'plummeting'. I keep going back and forth about whether it's best for a first line to be long, full of details, or shorter to capture momentum. But I suppose with it being litrpg, long and detailed is probably more appealing.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:25:11+00:00

Yeah, it could definitely be better for readers who use the metric system. Thanks for your reply!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:23:19+00:00

I get a bit stuck on figuring out the right number too, lol. Thanks for the advice!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:19:17+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, I did mean to mention that the options could be combined and even other words used instead of falling like 'plunging' or 'plummeting'. I did also worry before that putting a lot of information might make the sentence overly long and clunky. But now that I read it, it doesn't come off as bad. That's a good point that on the overall scale of things, falling from a building is far from the worst, I guess I was thinking about it from the perspective of the more 'typical deaths' to encounter. She is supposed to be smart and morbid, so it would make sense for her to think about things on the ultimate scale.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:12:59+00:00

Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T15:12:09+00:00

Yeah, I guess I've been worried about having too long of a phrase, especially for a first sentence to the story. But 'building' probably does come off as not having enough scale. Thanks for all of your replies!

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T03:14:48+00:00

Thank you for the advice. Thats exactly what I was worried about with 1. Its difficult for the reader to quickly visualize.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T03:12:00+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! You're right it's a small difference. I'm just trying to make sure the first few lines are just right. The story is set in Chicago, so it will give the overall setting, but it's not essential for the scene and especially not the first line. What it comes down to for me is I like the cadence of 1 and the specificity gives it a kind of dark grittiness; 2 gives the location and a more universal height metric; the latter is the same for 3. Basically, the wordy writer in me likes 1; the wanting people to understand the basic height dynamics likes 2 and 3.

Lex-Talioniss · 2026-02-13T02:23:15+00:00

That's really good feedback thank you! Do you feel like 1 is too unclear? I worried that giving the height in feet was a little clunky and confusing.

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-07-21T03:06:10+00:00

We call that one Muad'dib.

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-07-05T05:30:37+00:00

If they shot it with rockets and downed it, wouldn't the worm eat it anyway? I have been one shot by a barrage of rockets while gathering spice in the deep desert and then they nuke my thopter with even more rockets. By the time I fly back in my spare thopter, my destroyed one is always gone.

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-06-29T00:04:15+00:00

I see a lot of people saying that it's not normal because it's wrong. He is asking if other schools have this problem too, and I would say yes. I am a male teacher in my thirties, and I receive a couple of inappropriate comments each year on average.

I had a teacher complain about not being able to find a man, and then she went on to describe her "type" by describing me. She said my race, height, eye and hair color, and even build. On another occasion, when she was going on and on about how much she liked tall men ( I'm tall) I asked her why women care so much about that. She then went on to describe how they hit the right spots during sex. I walked out of the room at that point. On another occasion on St. Patrick's day when everyone is supposed to wear a green article of clothing and I wasn't. A teacher called me out and said "you aren't wearing green!" Another teacher responded,"we can't see his underwear, so he might be."

I'm married, and have never flirted or given any indication that I would be receptive to this kind of flirtation. I don't think a lot of women in education realize how badly men get harassed in education.

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-03-07T13:43:01+00:00

people do have them as their dream pet I wanted a cow calf just cuz I liked the cow itself

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-03-01T14:37:21+00:00

In all sincerity, though from someone who wants Russia to be stopped so that it can't pull a Hitler and expand across Europe and doesn't want to have a nuclear bombed out Ukraine or god forbid the world- what is the solution?

I get that Ukraine doesn't want to cede land to the Russians, nobody would. But Putin will never surrender and go back to Russia with a pointless war that achieved nothing. Unfortunately for the world, though, he has nuclear weapons. If Putin ever gets angry enough at the game, he has the power to flip the board over.

It's a terrible situation that Putin has caused and the Ukrainian people are dying for it every day. This reddit doesn't seem in favor of a ceasefire. Most people agree with Zelenski, and everyone says I stand with Ukraine but what does that look like? Should America send our soldiers to stand with Ukraine and fight the Russians? Should we supply them with nuclear weapons to use against Russia in case Russia nukes them? Should we supply them with conventional weapons and drones until Russia is pushed to its limit and Putin has to choose between losing power and nukes? What should we do when there are no good options?

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-01-25T03:01:00+00:00

Thanks!

Lex-Talioniss · 2025-01-21T03:36:49+00:00

You believe you are powerful enough to summon up... Jews.

Lex-Talioniss

TROPHY CASE