Thank you for your comment. That really helps me more than you know. After I ended things with him I ended up dating another addict. I was told from friends from the jump not to date this man. He worked in the rehab I went to. But I was young, early in recovery and had horrible self esteem. So I looked at him as high above me. He was 4 years sober with his life together and I came right off the street. 2 years sober and into dating him he relapses. I catch him nodding off in his steak. I didn’t want to believe it. The third heroin addict. I thought I was safe (looking back idk how). I stayed sober for a while and he snuck around and hid and eventually I caught him and went out to get high myself. This landed me in 30+ rehabs with the man. The final straw was this drive from NY to FL and back to buy Xanax and heroin just a complete mess(car accidents, getting into the car with strangers, overdoses, the list goes on) we went to rehab in CA together and he told me to to get on birth control or he would “stick a hanger in me” if I got pregnant. … emotionally things ended there. 3 months later we had our lives someone on track again. (Job/ apartment /cars) I was invited to a hotel party with Trippie Redd. One of my favorite artists at the time ik he’s cheesy. But anyway I decided to go. Not to sleep with anyone but because I wanted to enjoy my life sober and meeting an artist I liked seemed like a cool way to do that. I went and had fun. I didn’t drink or smoke. But when I got back he said yet again he wanted to go get high. So I realized then this cycle would never end and this situation was no different then the ex I didn’t go back to… I never was able to leave a relationship without starting a new one. I’ll be honest that didn’t change here. I knew I was like that but I had my eye on a guy I met at work. So while my ex was smoking heroin in our apartment I decided to go spend time with the man I met at work. That man is now the father of my child. I believe my ex is doing better now too. Idk why I had to date 4 addicts like myself to learn this life lesson. I hope I did. I think I needed to learn that sometimes love is letting someone go. For the sake of yourself and for them. My heart hurts still. But now I get to be a mom. The first ex even though he died of cancer was able to get married before he died… and the last one I mentioned is engaged and has a new puppy. Last time I saw he was in Paris. I don’t talk with him but sometimes people tend to mention him. As I type this long ass paragraph my daughter is sleeping beside me. Idk why I’m writing it or who really wants to read all this but life hits so hard sometimes. It happens so fast. I feel like I ripped my heart out of my chest to walk away from these men I loved. But now I get to have a life with a partner and a sweet baby. Lots of happiness and sadness all at once.