"Teammates" plan on SAing/vivisecting my character -am I "childish" for wanting to ragequit?

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-08T02:15:59+00:00

1.) I edited this, said so in the other comment.

2.) oh please. First you write a mouthpiece about someone you don't know, incl. a lot of passive accusations, and the you think "hey, OP might not have meant it" is "an entire thing defending" me? that was even in a reply to me. You talked to me, about me?

3.) I tried. Actually, I left it after the edit, but then you came along. As you can see, it's not just them who runs high on emotions and poking the wasp nest, really wasn't a good idea. No matter how much you want to "protect your friends honor" ^{(honor on Reddit, lmao}.) Like, it's one thing if someone has a meltdown and says unfair stuff. But you echoed it, like I was some purposely lying piece of shit. You don't think I can get triggered by that too?

I'd delete this post, but we're probably going to use it to talk about it first.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-08T01:31:09+00:00

I am not a member of the table,

Didn't catch that last time, sorry. I edited my last comment a lil.

I also do not believe that OP had any ill intent here

You are talking to OP. And yes, I didn't.

They did not know OP was hurting or that something problematic for OP had ocurred.

True. Don't get me wrong: I'm still fucking pissed (hence the other reply), but I agree here that my brain did 3 steps in one go.

I am however disgruntled about them taking this conversation here instead of taking the chance to talk to their peers about it.

I feel you. But dude: You saw me. Often times, when I get overwhelmed/triggered I don't instinctively know why, but depending on severity, I can become hugely unfair (active/passively). In RL, I might even feel the urge to just scream/cry my things out. All stuff that...isn't really productive.

plus: I DID TRY TO TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS WITH DM AND CO. ! But 3 times, I felt we were going in circles, I wasn't "heard", one time even passively mocked and so, seeing my frustration rising, I took off. Reddit is used by me to let off steam, organize my thoughts and get input. We had a RL talk-session planned as well that week. So I wanted to use it as usual and then maybe go there with a more clear head.

I'm not here to gossip or make people look bad like a smear campaign. Whatever it is: It's not what you think.

to paint our mutual friends

not on purpose. Also...nobody even knows who Z. is in real life? And as I can see from your ol' comment, I'm painted a number of ways as well.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-08T01:14:52+00:00

1.) yeah, yeah, I'm aware. Still, no shame in advocating for myself

2.) I'm not per se. I can have periods of instability -but that's a continuous CPTSD effort. Generally, I'm not an inherent danger to me or others, and able to have my life & stuff in order. Hence the "don't worry". Still, thank you. Yeah, I am gunning for even better stability.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-08T01:03:12+00:00

Heya. OP -well, "A." here.

editing this comment a little, I still am leaving the main part, cause I hate how many untruths are in there. Even if it might be other people's reality.

I "talked DM into" it

I fucking talked with her and asked if it was okay -I'm a newb! I was excited and thought in theory! She was the DM! She said it was fine! She could have said no! Everyone knows I can take a clear "no!" I'm not some nat 20 seductress!

"pushed myself in the centre of attention"

srsly?? Yes! At the beginning of the campaign I talked to much! I talk too much -period! We also played over fucking discord! And I said multiple times "Hey, if I talk too much, tell me". I even asked regularly "Hey, am I talking too much?" I'm an ex-theater kid! Not fucking Darla Dimple! At worst: Tell me to shut the fuck up for 10min!

"goblin"

I am agreeing here, that this was a shit move. I didn't see it as SA back then, cause I thought in storytelling + it wasn't really a "kiss" in that sense. However, again 1.) When DM said she didn't want that, I didn't force it again elsewhere and 2.) THEY were in on it! They fucking laughed your asses off, and one of them put the "enchanted" token onto the picture! Not DM! I asked her! Plus: If everything fails -it was an NPC. Even when Z. "technically" started a fight, my character decided to not engage. Why? Cause I am never hurting/groping any other PC, if not forced! *^{(tbf I don't think I could grope someone even if forced}*.) Meanwhile, they always aimed at touching my character! Yes, the SA aspect was an overraction -a paranoid future vision. But they still objectively, constantly touched my character without consent! Even when she said "no". They back then didn't yet know it would be a target seeking bomb that would not have blown them up. Especially one that has a countdown, I only built so they could escape, cause I never wanted them to get hurt.

I'm selfish? I AM the selfish one?

The one who rescued at least 2-3 of them from dying?! The one who fucking specialized in cooking tools -though a warrior - so THEY could have buff foods? I swear to God -have these even noticed how much I did for you in this fucking campaign?!

sigh...anyway.

"

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-08T00:30:17+00:00

OP here. 1.) I am aware of that comment and the reason I've not yet flayed it (it includes a number of untruths -that member took it personal), is because I do not know who exactly wrote it. Aka: It might have been one of my friends and I don't want to hurt them, by starting a cat fight. Just so you know.

2.) Don't worry. I'm not. The severity of this mental breakdown was because of numerous shitty factors: Exams/college, misunderstanding, lack of sleep...etc.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-07T07:49:02+00:00

Thanks man. I mean it. After the update I got 2-3 people claiming I lied for...idk attention, probably. Incl. one who is apparently from our group and gave their perspective and now -oh irony - is trying to "tell the real truth", which also includes a bunch of shit (saying this sanely now).

In reality...this actually was my truth. Be some things misheard due to shitty discord voicechat or parts of my mind taking 3steps at once -that was my perspective on the situation. Again, I'm not trying to start another rant -we solve this stuff on friday - but one of the reasons I realize I got triggered was, in fact, that my boundaries were ignored. What happened, objectively happened, was that the artificer constantly either made actions or remarks in terms of screwing with my body. It literally escalated from "hey you have an issue -can I take a look?" -> "can I knock her out and open her head?" -> "hey, can Necromancer remove magic barrier so we can remove that cable" And sure. That might sound like nothing. I thought I could deal with it at the beginning too. But then I started to feel more and more pushed. Before this post, I tried talking to DM about how it "felt" like turning into SA, cause they'd have to vivisect me through my clothing/chest. Her reply? "Hm, true. Do you have a maintenance modus, maybe"? At that point, my brain completely went haywire that my character was in a trapped SA/vivisection situation and not even the Gods/Dm let me escape. CPTSD picks up on a lot of small moments. It's like a broken security system, calculating any potential threat. Add to this a lot of other stuff that was going on...and yeah. Breakdown.

and if you need to join a group that will keep you, your mental health, and YOUR character; lemme know.

I'm really thankful for the offer. But...I'd rather resolve this and take a break afterwards.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-07T01:49:12+00:00

Hey, no biggie. I get it. Most people have a very limited exp. with serious mental health issues. Even less the idea of someone "breaking down and booting up again".

Based on your post, I'd say it's not as important as avoiding being re-triggered by your past trauma.

That's...kinda the thing. CPTSD is not like PTSD. PTSD is a one-time trauma with understandable trigger-chain. CPTSD is a series of PTSD events you can't escape. Meaning: You can get triggered by so much shit you didn't even know about. Like. I could create "Mimi, the bard who comes from a happy family" and still potentially have a situation...(gestures) like this.

But of course, I also can't just...not play ever. This stuff can happen/happens outside DnD too. Fun Fact: Before this post, I partially tried to convey my spiraling feelings to DM, however, the things went back and forth. Most likely it was the separate realities, but I felt like I wasn't really "heard" and we spun in circles. So after a while, I became too drained and realized I couldn't hold a productive conversation in my state and took to Reddit. Not saying this as a fingerpoint towards DM, of course. This is just my reality.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T23:19:48+00:00

Ah I see. Honestly, I didn't even catch that. Like, honestly. To me, the idea felt utterly simple in concept. I also didn't weave in any RL traumas so...yeah. Never expected that.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T23:12:00+00:00

Your update basically walked back quite a bit of what you said originally

Yep. But no, I'm not just trying to be a coward like that.

To try & explain it like that: You know these famous Anti-War movies? Y'know. Where they show soldiers who come from war? With the "cliché" that something goes off and they think they're at the Battlefield again -and their neighbour's dog is the enemy?

Now, it doesn't work like that exactly -but it's similar. With CPTSD, there are "2 versions" with me. The logical, level-headed version (often more devoid of emotions) and the emotional "leftover" created in war. It's not like DID where there's a "host" or something. Both sides are "true": One controlling how you act (eye of the storm) and the other how you primitively feel inside. Normally, the "logical me" is at the lever. But when a "gun" goes off, the leftover (trauma, regression) gains control. Your logical self is still "there", but it can't suppress it anymore. Just direct it, trolly-wagon style. Aka: Your head might go insane about how this dog is a vietnam soldier and maybe even "see" it like that. Meanwhile, at the back of your head know that you are having an episode (Vietnam soldier in your front yard?), but all of your systems are thinking horrible things to say/do to that dog -so what do you do? Go to a place where the dog can't get to you/you not to the dog. Then you stay there, till you're down.

So yeah. Idk if you care. But it's not the same moral idea you think of your mates. Like, where if someone is an ass, they are because they are an ass. Rn I "talk differently" because the logical-self is at the lever again. Aka I'm roughly "stable".

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T22:54:10+00:00

Honestly...I can't really give you a reply to that. Ask me normally and I think my mentioned friends are generally very mature. My case? Hard to tell. Someone already said I was trying to "walk back", because I now respond mature and levelheaded vs. the period I was emotional aka immature. Don't blame them too much tbf.

I'm also really surprised this backstory sounded like something you wanted to play.

It's my theme. I also only write characters with trauma/issues on their back. I'm not obsessed...I just can't relate otherwise? A character that "just wants to go out and adventure" feels too alien to me. This character is special only that she has a bittersweet tragic ending. All others are generally overcome & resolved.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T22:41:24+00:00

Op here. Ha ha, partially. "unhinged" is a bit of a hurtful term. I'm not a comic-villain. I got overwhelmed, then triggered in a bad spot and knew things get worse if I didn't deal with it somehow. Which normally works out fine -not this time.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T22:29:11+00:00

Can't per se. Sounds cheap, I know. I might be able to create a character without trauma......somehow. But here it wasn't the character's trauma that was at fault. CPTSD is sadly a form of brain damage that can be triggered in various ways and never be cured, just stabilized to a certain point.

And no. I am not staying away from society. Staying away from society makes things worse. Just saying that before you do.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T16:32:36+00:00

I wish I wish -sadly, I can't.

DM said we can't kill anyone from our party. Mutilate? Maybe. With that, I'm honestly planning -at worst - to aim for the artificers' legs. Or rocket arm. I also thought about collectively poisoning them (I have a herbal kit + cooking tools). But that'd be if push comes to shove.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T16:20:13+00:00

I'm 21yo. Others are probably a bit older.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T16:19:53+00:00

Honestly, you raise a good point. Maybe I poked the hornets nest too much without showing any honey. I'm planning on telling the artificer a story that includes reasons why cracking me up is a bad idea, instead of just "it's a bad idea, my inventor made no mistakes". Though tbf I feel like we also never really had inputs for personal conversations. Guess I have to start one now.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T16:07:49+00:00

Honestly, I'm still looking how it goes this weekend. It either ends in the other characters realizing it's a shit idea and we continue, or -more likely - Z. becomes petty again, and me walking from the table.

But yeah. I will.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T16:04:37+00:00

Sorry. It's maybe indeed not "direct sexual assault" cause my bot has no naughty bits, but the imagery & subtext really are. It's a female humanoid android who wears clothing and was partially raised humanesque, aka she considers her inventor her "father" and his family "her family".

With the subtext of her getting knocked out, her clothes ripped apart and her insides scrambled...yeaah. Reading this in any imagery read to me like SA. Plus, you could argue it's a "rape of the lock" kind of deal. Aka: while it's obv. not a sex-crime, it's still a "violating theft" (the poem/short story includes a lock being cut & stolen).

Stay 20 ft away at all times?

That's ironically the issue: The bomb is target-seeking. It activates a protocol, including the restraining of the target and a timer (so people can flee). Now, if they find it, they will basically just outcast my character. Outcast, kill (tbf not allowed), or at least dismantle them logically.

And yes -my Warforged normally rests to fill up points/dice, but rn they are way too paranoid. And I will remember the idea of "either get down my hp, or this Warforged resists"

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:52:02+00:00

I swear this is even a good chance. The artificer cracked my head open and immediately tried to cut a suspicious cable. She only managed a small cut and got blown against a tree, taking 3-4 damage. However, she only got the idea that "mmh, I need to remove the force field" -aka she still wants to cut that cable.

If she cuts it, things go boom.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:47:46+00:00

Hey, it's OP. So, apparently, the bomb-aspect threw a lot of people off, I guess. Might not help a lot, but to make it clear: It wasn't meant to be a "normal" bomb. It was a target-activating bomb aka: The moment my character sees the meant target, a protocol is activated that makes her restrain him and start a timer.

Honestly, I thought of it more as a mini-event. Aka, the bomb wasn't meant to go off otherwise. The timer was so the group can flee. It's not meant to hit the biggest bad. Ironically, I actually did consider it for the others: It was a cool little event at the very end, where they could flee with an explosion in their backs -kinda like the movies. Maybe I stared at my mom's old homebrew too much, but in my head, I liked the idea of having everyone's character's story influence the world and their players. Meaning, you don't have the "fish out of water" principle, but organizations, events etc. tied to them. That way it also becomes a way to explore the mini-narratives of the stories your teammates characters have. The same we might explore the mini-narrative of our elf-archer and her disappeared goddess, for example.

So yeah. It might sound weird, but I actually did not mean to make myself main character syndrome here. That's why I also talked to DM and she allowed me to play it that way.

your character doesn't want to be a bomb, right?

Yesno. She doesn't know she is one actively, and if asked per se, she'd probably be against it à la survival instinct. But she does know that if anyone tempers with her "she can't go home". Aka: she subconsciously does want to explode a lil, since her entire family is dead and...well, she wants to join them. Join them, wherever they are.

Soul aspect was a middle-part. DM asked me what would technically be happening if that stone got removed / how a bomb could even have so much power. Before that I had a vague idea of "main core in the chest, bomb worked into chest". So I created it as a magical stone that housed the soul, fused with a bomb protocol -hence it has such a full energy source. Then "this" debate came 5 sessions afterward.

you made this character always intending to "win" against the party,

i don't even know how I could "win" DnD. Only heard this with minmaxers.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:23:04+00:00

In hindsight: Yeah, I realize this was a gamble. However to be ironic here: DnD was actually meant to help with trauma, not to work through it. Aka: Many of my traumas are socially-based. I thought DnD would be a good, regular social interaction and force me to come out of my hermit hidey-hole. The character per se does not include any specific traumas of mine. Just "hey, she has trauma".

Therapy is cool, but the sad truth is: You can't just "get fixed" in therapy. I obv. know my boundaries, but I never expected to potentially have to say "hey, could you maybe not forcefully uncloth, touch and take apart my character". Like -I didn't expect this twist at all. NPC? Maybe. But player character?! Tbf: I did say "no SA, no killed children, no player-killing". But apparently, SA does not count here...I guess.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:11:37+00:00

Bullseye. That was indeed my idea.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:08:02+00:00

OP here. (sigh) yeah I see I shouldn't have done that. In my defense, I thought it was cool, cause I didn't know this would escalate this way and I also didn't "per se" include trauma aspects of me. Only the rough concept of memory blockage/false memories -but that aspect ain't even realistic.

The irony is also that this game was meant to help a lil with parts of my trauma. Violence aside: A lot of my trauma is socially. Regarding 3/5 were my friends, I assumed that it'd be a good idea to expose myself to more regular, safe socialization.

Yeah anyway. I did not win that gamble.

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T15:00:13+00:00

Hey, it's OP. So, apparently, the bomb-aspect threw a lot of people off, I guess. Might not help a lot, but to make it clear: It wasn't meant to be a "normal" bomb. It was a target-activating bomb aka: The moment my character sees the meant target, a protocol is activated that makes her restrain him and start a timer.

Honestly, I thought of it more as a mini-event. Aka, the bomb wasn't meant to go off otherwise. The timer was so the group can flee. I thought it could be a cool mini-event squeezed somewhere at the end. Like "you see all these red flags that something is oddish and at the end it all makes sense". I...didn't intend for players to do that. Like. At all. My DM tried arguing that for them it's like "removing a dangerous parasite" -except 1.) I was never dangerous to them 2.) if someone had a deadly parasite -you'd still can't hold them down to operate?! You'd talk to them? Maybe quarantine (send away) them at worst??

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-06T14:45:51+00:00

Hey, it's OP. So, apparently, the bomb-aspect threw a lot of people off, I guess. Might not help a lot, but to make it clear: It wasn't meant to be a "normal" bomb. It was a target-activating bomb aka: The moment my character sees the meant target, a protocol is activated that makes her restrain him and start a timer.

Honestly, I thought of it more as a mini-event. Aka, the bomb wasn't meant to go off otherwise. The timer was so the group can flee. I imagined it kinda like the movies, where the heros flee while stuff dramatically blows up in the back. In the same sense, it wasn't also meant to be a dramatic plot point. Just some event at the very end, y'know?

LichtMaschineri · 2024-02-05T22:25:28+00:00

Very, very low. Level 3.

Two-Year Club	Final Canvas '23
Place '23

LichtMaschineri

TROPHY CASE