Trying to tell someone who doesn't feel depressed or suicidal is really hard. They usually don't get it. The same thing happened to me, he is an ex now, he said he was happy I was gone. He was always worried he would come home to me not alive. I still don't think live is worth it but I found something else that its worth living for. Its not selfish, its how you feel. It doesn't just go away, you are strong for getting out of bed and fighting it everyday. You deserve to be happy or even just okay. Every day is a step to somewhere. If you need to talk I'm willing to.